“She tried to kick my door down,” said Jimmy, bless his helpful little heart. I’m sure there wasn’t a trace of smugness to his voice at all, that would just be my imagination.
Dean wandered toward the studio. “Better get to work.”
The door quietly closed.
“What was that?” I asked, voice deceptively calm.
“What?” he asked, shoulders already rising to protest his innocence.
“You did that on purpose just to get to Dean.”
“Hang on, you do or you don’t want me touching you?”
“Did you think I wouldn’t tell him I couldn’t see him anymore?”
He rolled his eyes, giving me his bored look. “I was just messing with him.”
“No, you were being a jealous dickhead.” I advised him as calmly as possible. “And it was insulting to me and assholish to Dean. The guy’s worked with you for years. He deserves better.”
He caught my hand. “You mad at me again?”
“Oh, you picked up on that did you?”
“Lena, c’mon.”
I tugged my hand from his grip. “Fix it.”
“What? How?”
“I’ll give you a hint. Not by buying anything. You figure it out.”
# # #
My private email account had suddenly been bombarded by all sorts of messages. Mostly consisting of “oh hey, you know someone famous. Wanna hang out some time?” type sentiments. I guess people were easy come easy go on the twenty-something social scene. Most of my friends didn’t appear to have greatly noted my absence when I bolted from home following my sister and my ex’s engagement announcement. This renewed sudden interest on account of my being associated with a Ferris brother, I could do without.
“Hey.”
I looked up from the laptop to find David Ferris hovering in the office doorway. Not someone I’d expect to come calling.
“Hi, David.”
“Can we talk for a sec?” he asked, face serious.
“Sure.”
He took two steps in, scanned the room. There was just the desk and a couple of chairs, some shelves holding various music awards and such like. It was probably the simplest room in all of the house, the most utilitarian. He’d probably never even been in it before.
“Jim’s busy in the booth, but we’ll be finishing up soon,” he said, lips drawn into an awkward sort of smile.
“Right. Is there something I can help you with?”
“I wanted to talk to you about him.”
My guard rose a little higher. Again with the all of them being over involved in each other’s lives. I kept my mouth shut.
“Glad you two made up. But, Lena, he’ll keep fucking up. He can’t help it.”
“I don’t think we should be—”
“At high school he could have any girl he wanted with a look. I swear, that’s all it took, and they’d come running.”
I bet they did.
“It’s been the same ever since. He’s never been the type to go back for seconds. None of them ever interested him that much.”
I buried my hands in my lap, looked away. Wherever he was going with this, I didn’t like it. Also, no matter how mixed up things were with Jimmy and me, I wasn’t going to talk about him to his brother behind his back. “I’ve heard. David, I’m not comfortable with this.”
“He’s really into you. You walk into a room and he’s all over it, Lena. Watching you on the sly, listening in to everything you say. I don’t know if you realize …”
I blinked. “Um, no. I didn’t.”
“Jimmy’s always been a hard case, closed off.”
“He’s not. He’s just complicated.” I leapt to his defense without thought. Those were the same damn things my idiot ex had accused me of being. Anything along those lines was still a big angry red button sitting inside of me, waiting to go off.
“Lena,” David said. “Just let me explain. Please.”
I nodded.
His gaze ran over the glittering trophies. He really was a very attractive man, but all I saw were the pieces of Jimmy in him, the shared genetics. Or maybe that was love, searching for traces of what your heart longed for everywhere you went. Perhaps I’d always be trying to see him from now on.
“Did you know it was his idea to start the band?” David asked.
“No, I didn’t.”
David nodded, half smiled. “Yeah, he likes to make out it was me, but it wasn’t. Jim said if we were spending so much time fucking around with guitars and shit, we might as well try to make some money out of it. But that wasn’t what it was about for him, not really.”
Despite myself I edged forward in my chair, eager to know. “So why then?”
“Family, Lena. He wanted us all to stick together. I think … well, I know, even back then, he was starting to unravel. He was already drinking and smoking pot. Not just casually, but to excess. Then as the band got bigger, so did his troubles.” His jaw shifted from side to side. “It was like, he didn’t feel like he deserved success, so the more it came his way, the faster he ran.”
”Why are you telling me this?”
“Because right now he’s running from you. He’s terrified of you, Lena.”
I blinked.
“He’s always keeping an eye out for you, and then the minute you’re in his space he gets all agitated and wound up. It’s like you’re his new drug of choice. Only you’re actually good for him.” He squinted, forehead wrinkling. “Problem is, he just doesn’t know how to deal with you. Doesn’t feel worthy of the kind of love I have with Ev, or Mal has with Anne.”
“I’m not sure what to do with that,” I said, shifting my aching booted leg into a more comfortable position. My mind twirled in weary circles. It’d been a long day. “What are you saying here, David? What do you want from me?”
“Ah, I dunno.” He laughed. “I guess I’m asking you to have patience, to not give up on him.”
I just stared.
“Don’t break his heart, Lena. Fuck, he barely even knows he has one, but he does. And it’s actually a really good one. Just give him a chance to figure out what to do with it, please?”
“David …”
He held up his hand, forestalling my words, if I’d had any. “Just think about it.”
“There’s something I need you to think about too,” I said. “Please.”
“What’s that?”
I breathed in deep, choosing my words with care. “After Idaho, when your mom showed up and you said those things. That hurt him. Badly.”
His gaze darkened. “Lena.”
“He protected you from her, much more than you know. I can’t say …” I shrugged, my hands clasped in my lap. “It’s not right for me to say more. But he needs you to be on his side when it comes to her. And what’s more, he deserves it.”
David gazed at the ground, then slowly nodded his head. “I know. And I will.”
“Thank you.”
He gave me a thoughtful look from beneath his brows. “I think we both love him, don’t we?”
My lips parted to confirm it but I just couldn’t say it. The words disappeared.
He smiled and walked out.
I sat there a long time, staring after him, thinking.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
It was around midnight when he tiptoed on in. I almost smiled, the mental image of Jimmy sneaking into my room after lights out being so amusing. It was a lot like being sixteen again.
“Lena?” he whispered, crawling onto the bed. “You awake?”
After the fighting, making-up, fighting again, and then talking with David, I was wrung out. Over it. Emotionally, I just needed to be hung up to dry for a while, so I decided to fake sleep. I kind of also wanted to know what he’d do if I didn’t answer.
He’d gone jogging with Ben after they’d finished up in the studio for the day. I’d fixed a plate of food and retreated to my room. Let me tell you, hauling my ass up the steps with a plate was no easy thing. Perhaps not the best idea I’d ever had. But there’d still been people around downstairs and honestly, I’d needed some quiet time, just me, fine food, and the new camera.
It was nice to slow down. Things had been intense lately.
Jimmy slid beneath the blanket, the mattress moving under his weight. I lay on my back my foot propped on a pillow. For a while, he seemed content just to lie near me. My ears strained, listening for every breath he took, every rustle of the sheets. What was he doing here? It had to be a booty call, surely. I frowned into the darkness awaiting revelation and getting absolutely nothing for my trouble. Never understanding seemed to be the theme of the year.
“I apologized to Dean,” he said quietly.
“You did?”
“Yeah.”
“Good. I’m glad.” Then some fingers came seeking. They crept over my hip, stopped, and tugged at the material of my nightshirt, fingering one of the many small holes in the hem.
“That’s my old shirt, isn’t it?” He shifted closer. The mattress moved again as he reached across me and switched on the lamp on the bedside table. Little lights danced before my eyes. When they cleared, he hovered over me, a bit blurry on account of no glasses. “I fucking knew you took it.”