Lady Friday(5)

Two


ARTHUR HUNG UP the phone and looked at Dame Primus.

‘No Piper’s children are going to be executed,’ he said firmly. ‘Here or anywhere else. The only time the Piper controlled any of them is when he was close enough for his pipe-playing to be heard. Even then, all that happened was they just stopped moving.’

‘He could undoubtedly do much more,’ Dame Primus argued. ‘Perhaps even from outside the House. We do not know the extent of his powers. It would be best to simply get rid of the Piper’s children.’

‘No!’ shouted Arthur. ‘What’s wrong with you? They’re people! You can’t just kill hundreds or thousands of Piper’s children because the Piper might … just might … make some of them do something.’

‘Can’t we?’ asked Dame Primus. She sounded genuinely puzzled.

‘No,’ said Arthur. His voice grew deeper and stronger. ‘All Piper’s children are to be released unharmed and restored to their normal jobs and positions. They should be watched, and if … if they do something against us, that’s when they should be locked up – and only locked up, nothing worse!’

There was a moment’s silence, even the background buzz of talking soldiers absent. Dame Primus inclined her head a fraction of an inch.

‘Very well, Lord Arthur. You are the Rightful Heir. It shall be as you wish.’

‘Good,’ said Arthur. ‘Now I’m going to call Sneezer and get him to find out what is happening back home.’

He took the phone again from Captain Drury, who resumed his cranking. The earpiece crackled and hummed, and in the far distance Arthur could hear a stern male voice saying, ‘All telephones are to be cut off by order,’ but that faded as another, softer voice that might be either male or female said, ‘Shut up.’

‘I beg your pardon?’ asked Arthur.

‘Not you, sorry,’ said the voice. ‘Can I help you?’

‘I’d like to speak to Sneezer in Monday’s Dayroom, please.’

‘Ooh, you’re Lord Arthur, aren’t you? I could tell because you said ‘please’ again. Everyone’s saying how nice you are.’

‘Uh, thanks,’ said Arthur. ‘Could I speak to Sneezer? It really is urgent.’

‘Putting you through, Lord Arthur,’ said the operator. ‘Even if old grizzleguts says we’re …

’ The operator’s voice faded and Arthur heard a multitude of other, distant voices all speaking at once, overlaid with the stern voice once again ordering that all telephones be cut off. Then there was silence for several seconds. Arthur was about to ask Captain Drury what was going on when the familiar voice of Sneezer sounded out in the air, not out of the phone.

‘Monday’s Dayroom, Sneezer here.’

‘It does that sometimes, sir,’ whispered Drury.

‘It’s Arthur, Sneezer.’

‘Good day to you, Lord Arthur.’

‘Sneezer, I want you to look through the Seven Dials. I need to find out what’s happened to Leaf and my family, and the general situation back at my home. Can you do that, please?’

‘I can, sir. Indeed, at the behest of Dr Scamandros I have already looked through, the doctor being desirous of finding out if any Nothing residue of the Skinless Boy remained.’

‘What did you see?’ asked Arthur. ‘It’s still Thursday there, right?’

‘No, Lord Arthur. It is Friday.’

‘Friday! If the Skinless Boy was destroyed on Thursday … I’ll have been missing overnight. My parents must be freaking out!’

‘To be exact, Friday a week from the Thursday on which Miss Leaf embarked on her action against the Skinless Boy.’

‘A week! You mean I’ve been missing on Earth for a week?!’

‘I believe that is so, sir. Dr Scamandros has suggested that the destruction of the Skinless Boy created a minor fracture of the temporal relationship between you and the Secondary Realm in which you normally reside.’

‘My parents must think … What’s happened to my mum and dad?’

‘I regret to inform you, Lord Arthur, that while your father is safe – though reluctantly engaged in being driven very long distances in a bus and stopping at night to play music with an ensemble named after rodents – it appears that your mother is not currently in your own Secondary Realm—’

‘What?’ croaked Arthur. His throat felt suddenly choked and dry. ‘Where is she? Who … how …’ ‘There is great disturbance in your world, Lord Arthur,’ said Sneezer. His voice was getting fainter. ‘A number of mortals have been taken elsewhere within the Secondary Realms. I think your mother is among that group, though it is possible that not all the disappearances have been effectuated by the same agency. It is not at all clear who is responsible, though the natural assumption would be Lady Friday, since the disappearances appear to have occurred on that day.’