Kon (Trassato Crime Family Book 2)(64)
“Wow.” I dipped my head, my heart banging like a pogo stick against my chest. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t get it. Why’d it take you thirteen months to come after me? And then when you did you acted like you didn’t want anything to do with me.”
“Fuck, Carmela. What was I supposed to say?”
“The truth.”
“I couldn’t explain what I felt. I was attracted to you. I had been for a long time, although I had no interest in a relationship. I suck at ’em. The one woman I let in ripped apart my life. By the time I’d had enough, she was addicted to drugs and pregnant.” He pressed a finger to my lips when I opened my mouth to respond. “The baby wasn’t mine.”
“God, Kon. That must’ve hurt. I’m sorry.”
“I’m over it. I’m better without her. I thought I loved her, but looking back, I didn’t. She was addicted to drugs, and I was addicted to saving her. It was a toxic, co-dependent disaster. I focused so much of my energy into making her happy, fixing the holes in her life, that I overlooked how miserable I was the entire time.”
I turned his words around in my head, analyzing them, dissecting them. Then it hit me. Kon wanted to save me from myself exactly like he wanted to save that girl. I was his new project, and I didn’t know if I was redeemable. I only felt like my old self when I was with him. She used him as a crutch to fix her problems. I couldn’t do the same thing to him.
I needed to be strong. Fuck being the pathetic woman who was waiting for my life to end and blowing whatever direction the wind sent me. I was a Trassato, and we fought hard for what we wanted. Somehow over the past three years, I’d forgotten who I was. Not anymore.
I believed in myself. I believed in Kon. I believed in us. The enormity of what I felt for this man made me so damn happy. Even supposing we fell apart someday, I wouldn’t regret him. Being with him helped me find myself, and that was worth any future heartache. Never loving anyone again was a far worse fate than losing love again. I had this one life, and I intended to make the most of it, which meant taking a chance on Kon.
“You’re right.”
“I am? About what?”
“I’m fed up with being pushed around. I won’t marry Nico.”
He eyed me skeptically. “Your engagement party is in two days. We need to do something fast.”
“No, I need to do something. I need to fight my own battles.” I snagged my purse from his dresser and tucked it under my arm. “I’ll call you in the morning.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m not entirely sure, but don’t give up on me yet.”
“I’m never giving up on you. Come here. I have something for you.” He opened his nightstand drawer and pulled out a light brown box.
“What’s that?”
He flipped open the box. “Take a look.”
A thick black lace band was tucked into the box. “A garter?”
“Kind of.” Kon grinned. “It’s a gun holster and a Smith & Wesson M&P Model 340 revolver. You can slide it up your leg and wear it under your dress or you can tuck it into your purse.” He popped open the gunmetal gray cylinder. “It’s already loaded with five rounds of .357 Magnum and the safety is engaged. Do you know how to shoot?”
“Yeah.” I nodded, my throat suddenly dry. “Gian taught me.”
Kon’s light blue eyes burned into mine, studying me for some unknown reason. “Good. This gun is small and light, which means you’ll get a lot of recoil. And unlike other guns with a short barrel, it doesn’t have big shot deviations.”
“Can I put it on now?” I asked.
He kissed the corner of my mouth. “I didn’t plan on letting my solnyshka walk around without any way to defend herself.”
“Thanks, Kon. I love it.” I always carried a can of mace, but I’d been skittish since the whole incident outside the restaurant. This would go a long way toward giving me back some of my self-assurance that I could take care of myself. “By the way, are you ever going to tell me what solnyshka means?”
Lips twitching and his blue eyes vibrant with laughter, he said, “Sunshine.”
“Huh? I don’t get it.”
“It’s a Russian term of affection. When I first saw you, I noticed your eyes. They’re gold like the sun.”
“My eyes?” I said dumbly, my stomach fluttering.
“Not only your eyes, but everything. You’re like a ball of sunshine, making life a little brighter, and I’m not living without you. Okay? So go fight for yourself, and I’ll keep fighting for us.”