Being there in the middle of the night when they had a bad dream and taking care of them when they come home sick from school? That's what he wanted. Who knew what he'd miss? Not just the little stuff, but the big stuff, too. The first steps, his first word...the first time he smiled.
A tightness gripped his throat and he forced it down again. He'd have to find a way to make it bearable, that was all.
Without the baby in his life on a daily basis.
Without Tawny.
That was the part he’d been avoiding in his mind while he focused on his anger.
It wasn’t just about the baby. He loved Tawny. If there was no baby, he’d still want to marry her. Even now, his chest ached at the thought of life without her. The last thing he wanted was to let her go.
But it was no longer his choice.
Tawny had walked out and she wasn’t coming back.
Chapter 21
She'd wanted to walk from Luke's--partially to clear her head and partially to try to reposition the baby from where it felt like he was hanging from her ribs like she was a jungle gym.
People talked all the time about the pain of pregnancy--about the torment of those last few weeks, with the baby's head pressing down on her and the pressure of the impending big day, but what nobody mentioned was the constant weird aches. Her back was close to breaking from the effort of carrying her tummy around and her stomach itself--which used to just be something of a less-than-convenient shelf--now felt like a live human was inside her, readying his way to come into the world.
Halfway to her apartment, she stopped to sit on a bench, then blew a little breath out her nose as tears threatened. God, that had been awful. He’d looked so stunned. So hurt. She’d wanted nothing more than to go back and tell him she’d changed her mind. That she’d made a horrible mistake.
But right on the heels of that thought, an image of Luke grinning from ear to ear as he stood outside the glowing sign of his brand new bike shop popped into her head and she clenched her jaw.
She’d done the right thing. Luke himself had told her how his parents had sacrificed everything for all of their foster kids and adopted children, and there was no way she was going to corner him into sacrificing for her. She hated hurting him and would mourn his loss in her life daily but that was better than seeing bitterness and resentment grow inside him, especially if it was aimed at her or the baby.
She could handle anything but that.
She glanced at the street sign and decided to waddle to Suzette's house. She knew better than to expect support on her decision, but at least she'd have a comfortable seat and a friendly ear.
When she'd finally made her way to the front door, she knocked, then placed her hand on her lower back for support. Suzette's mother opened the door, glanced at Tawny, then her tummy, and offered her a warm smile.
"One second, honey."
She jogged up the stairs then disappeared down the other side of the upstairs hallway just as Suzette appeared at the top of the steps.
"You did it, huh?" she asked.
She nodded. After all, what was there to say? She couldn't tell her about everything Luke had said--about the crushed, defeated look in his eyes when she'd lied to him.
He looked exactly how I feel, she thought, but there was nothing to be done about that either.
Not anymore.
"Come in." Suzette rushed down the steps, then curled her arm around Tawny's and led her toward the nearest sofa. It was the most uncomfortable piece of furniture in the house, but it had a sturdy back, and in the days since her tummy had overreached her ability to see her toes, she was beginning to realize the importance of proper lumbar support.
"How are you doing?" Suzette asked.
"I'm fine," Tawny said automatically.
"And how are you really?" Suzette challenged.
Tawny eyed her, wondering if she dare tell her friend exactly how awful she was feeling about this whole thing.
Suzette must’ve seen the hesitation in her face because she sighed. “Look, I don't agree with what you did, but I still know why you did it. I want to take care of you. Tell me, how are you?"
Luke’s eyes, so blue and clear, swam through her memory and she thought of the way he'd crumpled as she'd spoken--the shock and the alarm behind that cool blueness. The hurt.
Tears pricked at the back of her throat and she shook her head.
"It was terrible. Truly, truly terrible." She sniffed.
"You can cry if you want to cry," Suzette soothed.
"I know I did the right thing. Nobody can convince me otherwise but I had a dream too, you know? I wanted a family. A real family with Christmas and baseball practice and pot roast on Sunday nights. Sure, it happened earlier than I wanted, but I was starting to think I could have all of it with him and..." A tear finally slid down her cheek, scalding and shameful. "I never had that, you know? He has brothers and parents. All I have is me. What if it’s not enough?”