Still, if Louisa was telling the truth, then he was gone. I was left alone in this room.
I was totally free. And suddenly, without Brooks, freedom seemed absolutely terrifying. I wanted him to come back, and I wanted to join Louisa, and I wanted it all to make sense.
Freedom wasn’t easy. It was up to me to decide what was right, and nobody else could do that for me.
27
Brooks
My anger ebbed and faded as I slowly walked the hallways, thinking over the massive choice I had hovering before me.
The more I thought about it, the more I was sure that if it weren’t for Emma, I wouldn’t even hesitate to take this promotion. It was true that I disliked the mafia’s involvement in human trafficking and felt like that whole aspect of their business was actually very wrong and disgusting, but it was possible to love a thing without loving every single part of it. The fucking mafia was strength and power and wealth, and that was what I wanted. Plus, they’d taken me in and brought me up, and that shit counted for a lot.
I was a loyal man. I wanted money and power, but I also took my oaths seriously. When I joined the mafia, I made a promise never to fucking betray them. I wasn’t a rat and I wasn’t a coward.
But Emma made me see that there was more to the world than just the mafia. I never saw much more than that for me, and I was happy killing and stalking my victims. I was good at what I did, and the power the mafia gave me was enough.
Maybe not anymore, though. The more I thought about it, the more I felt like there had to be more important things than just fucking murdering men for the mafia.
I headed back toward the apartment, wanting to tell her that. I wanted to tell her everything, every single word. I wanted her to understand that I couldn’t decide what I wanted because I was torn between the life I knew and the life that was possible. She was the only reason I was even thinking about this, even considering turning down this promotion. I didn’t know if I’d stay with the mafia or what, but I did know that I couldn’t be with Emma and become a captain in this organization that did things she despised.
I’d never felt like this about someone before. Normally I fucked a girl and then left her the next morning, never bothering to get her number again. I was a killer and didn’t have time to get involved with someone. But Emma was different for some reason. She attracted me toward her, pulled me into her orbit. It was the sort of feeling that rose up, quiet and wave-like, until one day it broke across your body and you were nothing without it.
That sort of feeling defined you, became who you were. I was a killer, but I was also a man who wanted Emma more than I could actually explain. It was fucking maddening.
I got back to the apartment and unlocked the door.
“Emma?” I called out as I got inside.
The place was empty. I didn’t know what I expected, but I was disappointed. I wanted her to understand where I was and what I was thinking, but she was gone.
And there was still one problem hanging above all of this.
Dante was still out there, and he knew all about Emma. Gian wanted him taken care of, but that didn’t mean he still couldn’t be a problem for me right now. Dante commanded the loyalty and respect of many men, most of who would follow him into war if needed.
Standing in that room, the memory of Emma’s body still fresh in my mind, I couldn’t help but know what my next move had to be.
I couldn’t hesitate and I couldn’t hold back, not if I wanted all of this to be over, truly fucking over. Not if I wanted Emma to be safe.
In the end, all this bullshit aside, all this stress and anger forgotten, in the end my only goal was to keep Emma safe. Shit had gotten so out of bounds, so far beyond what I had ever imagined was going to happen, that maybe I’d lost sight of what I wanted.
What I wanted was for Emma to survive. The world needed more of her.
I felt like I finally knew what I really needed to do. Looking around the room one last time, I made my decision. I turned and left the room, walking quickly away, and not looking back.
* * *
Hours later, the sun long set, the city was quiet. Chicago never really slept, not exactly. There were always people out on the streets, always noise somewhere. But it slowed down when the sun set, and life seemed almost calm in the middle of the night.
I was wearing all black, my combat vest strapped on underneath a black sweatshirt and black pants. I even had a black knit mask pulled up on my head, ready if I needed it.
I had my body pressed against a wall, sticking to the shadows of the building across the street from Dante’s deli. I knew he’d be working late tonight, since this was the night when most of his bookies and collectors brought their payments in. Dante would be up with a couple other guys, making sure none of their boys were short.