I didn’t know if I could fit into that group. I didn’t know if I could do the hard things, if I could pull that trigger, if I could risk my life. I thought I had it within me, but I was a normal, regular person before all of this. I’d never shot a gun in my life, let alone shot to kill someone.
I didn’t know if I could stomach it. I didn’t know if I could live up to what Louisa wanted from me.
I began walking again, trying to empty my mind but finding it completely impossible. I kept coming back to Brooks and Louisa, Brooks and Louisa. Neither of them were lying to me, or maybe they both were, or maybe I just didn’t understand a single thing about this world.
Eventually I ended up outside and walked along the green grass. I took my shoes and socks off and felt the grass between my toes. I felt all alone out in the open fields around the mansion, although I was probably being watched by someone. Still, it was peaceful and it felt nice.
I sat down next to a tree eventually, leaning against the trunk, my feet in the soft dirt. I shut my eyes, trying to get a better feel for what I wanted, and slowly I drifted off to sleep.
* * *
When I woke up, the sun was already setting.
I couldn’t believe I’d slept for so long. It must have been hours, just sitting out in the beautiful shade underneath a large tree. I couldn’t believe nobody had bothered me, but apparently the Barone mansion was a paradise or something like that. I’d never slept outdoors like that before, all alone underneath a large tree, but I felt better as I stood up.
I felt like I could figure out what I wanted. I had the urge to talk to Brooks, to understand him. Maybe if he could explain to me what was happening, if he could explain why he didn’t trust Louisa and why he was thinking about taking the promotion, maybe then I could understand.
I headed back into the compound. It took me a few minutes to finally find our hallway, but I felt good and strong as I walked toward our door. I swiped my card, unlocked the door, and pushed it open.
“Brooks?” I called out.
But I got only silence in return.
He wasn’t here. I didn’t know where he was, but maybe he hadn’t come back. I went into the bedroom, but there was no sign of him at all. It wasn’t like we had much stuff anyway, but the bed was made and things were straightened up.
It was almost like he had never been in there at all.
I went back out into the main room, frowning. Maybe I could call the front desk and someone could find him for me. Maybe he was just still out walking around, getting himself together.
Instead, as I went to grab the receiver, the phone started ringing.
Hesitantly, I picked it up. “Hello?”
“Have you thought about what I said?”
It was Louisa. I was thoroughly taken off guard. “I have,” I said.
“And?”
“I still don’t know. I don’t know if I’m strong enough.”
There was a short silence. “When I started this, I was nothing,” Louisa said. “When I tell you that I want to give power to the powerless, I don’t just mean the women I save from slavery. I also mean the women I recruit to work with me.”
“Is this how you do it? How you recruit your fighters?”
“You don’t have to be a fighter, Emma,” she said, laughing. “Is that what you thought?”
“It was,” I admitted. “I’m not sure I’d be good at it.”
“Emma, I work with the strengths of the people in my organization. If you’re not a fighter, we’ll find somewhere else for you. Besides, that was never what I wanted from you.”
“What did you want?”
“I want you to work with the girls, talk to them, make them understand where they are and what they’re doing. Transitioning from their old life to their new life can be difficult, and I think you can help with that.”
I found myself nodding along. Maybe that was what I needed to do. It sounded right, like something important.
“I wouldn’t have to kill?”
“You wouldn’t have to do anything you didn’t want to do.”
“I need to consider this more, Louisa.”
“Okay. One more thing. Brooks is gone.”
“What?”
“He left about an hour ago. I don’t know where he’s going, and I’m not tracking him. As far as I’m concerned, we’re going separate ways.”
I bit my lip, so confused and angry. “He left the mansion?”
“He did. Think about it, Emma.”
Louisa hung up.
I put my receiver down slowly.
Where the hell was he going and why had he left me here without even a note? We’d had a fight, or something like a fight, but I didn’t feel like he and I were totally finished yet. Maybe at the time it had seemed that way, but it didn’t have to be.