Kiss an Angel(128)
He finally rose from the bed, and for several moments the trailer was filled with the familiar sounds he always made when he changed from his costume into his work clothes: the thud of his boots hitting the floor, the faint rustle of sequins as he removed his red sash, the rasp of the zipper on his jeans. An eternity passed before she heard the door close behind him.
The growl of a tiger met Alex as he left the trailer. He stood outside and gulped the air. The colored lights shone and the pennants snapped, but he was unable to see anything except the obscene red welt that marred her fragile skin. Tears stung his eyes and his lungs burned. What had he done?
He moved blindly across the grass to the tiger’s cage. The performance was still going on inside the top, and the backyard was deserted except for a few of the clowns, who gave him wide berth.
His timing had been off all night. Why hadn’t he ended the act right away? He should have signaled Digger to send in Misha and brought the whole thing to a close. But he’d been too caught up in rage. Instead, his pride had demanded he do one more trick to try to redeem the performance. One more trick, as if that would make everything all right again.
He blinked his eyes hard. Her skin was so pale and fragile. The welt marred her breast and passed over the sweet, flat belly that held her child. Their child. The child he’d told her they were getting rid of. As if Daisy would ever be able to do anything like that.
As if he would ever have let her do it.
The ugly, hateful words he’d spoken rang in his ears. Words she’d never forget or forgive. Not even Daisy had a heart big enough to forgive him for what he’d said.
As he reached the cage, Sinjun regarded him with unblinking eyes that seemed to peer into the deepest recesses of his soul. What did the tiger see? He stepped over the rope and curled his hands around the bars. The cold, empty place inside him was gone—he knew that now—but what had taken its place?
His gaze locked with the tiger’s, and the hair on the back of his neck prickled. For a moment everything stood still, and then he heard a voice—his own voice—telling him exactly what the tiger saw.
Love.
His heart slammed against his ribs. Love. That’s what this feeling was he hadn’t understood, the feeling that had begun with a melting inside him. He’d been learning how to love. Daisy had seen it. She’d known what was happening to him, but he had denied it.
He loved her. Blindly. Absolutely. How could he not have known? She was more precious to him than all the ancient icons and priceless artifacts that had consumed his life for so long. Living with her, he’d learned how to be happy. He’d learned joy, passion, and an awe-inspiring sense of humility. And what had he given her in return?
I don’t love you, Daisy. I never will.
He squeezed his eyes shut as he remember how, time and again, he’d rejected the precious gift she’d offered. But with a courage that took his breath away, she’d continued to hold it out to him. No matter how many times he rejected her love, she kept on extending it.
Now that love was embodied in the child growing inside her. The child he didn’t want. The child he craved with every beat of his heart.
What had he done? How was he going to win her back? He twisted his head toward the trailer, praying the light calling him back to her would be on, but the window remained dark.
He had to win her back and make her forgive the ugly words he’d spoken. He had been blind and arrogant, so enmeshed in the past that he had turned away from the future. He had betrayed her in a manner no ordinary person would ever forgive.
But Daisy wasn’t ordinary. Loving was as natural to her as breathing. She was no more capable of withholding her love than she was of deliberately hurting someone. He’d throw himself on the mercy of her sweetness and generosity. He’d take advantage of her tender, loving heart. There would be no more secrets from her. He’d tell her everything he felt, and if that didn’t soften her to him, he’d remind her of those sacred vows they’d spoken. He’d play upon her sympathies, bully her, make love to her until she no longer remembered that he’d betrayed her. He’d remind her that she was a Markov now, and Markov women stuck by their men, even when those men didn’t deserve it.
The window of the trailer was still dark. He decided he’d better let her sleep for now and give her time to recover, but when morning came, he’d do whatever was necessary to win her back.
The crowd left the big top, and he set to work. As the top came down, he wanted to prove his love to her, give her some tangible sign that everything would be different between them. He glanced at the darkened trailer window, then raced for his truck. Ten minutes later, he found an all-night convenience store.