Kinky(41)

He puts down the paper and grins the wolfish grin. ‘Hey, baby,’ he says, then his mouth slides to a mock-sad droop. ‘You are OK? Not looking so happy.’

My lips do an annoying wobbling thing as I try to get the words out. Not the calm, firm effect I had hoped for at all.

‘I just want you to know,’ I open, everything pouring out in an uneven rush, ‘that I don’t expect anything from you.’

‘What? I thought you expect me to whip you today?’

‘That’s not what I mean. I mean, I know what you’re like. You don’t have to pretend you like me as more than … than what you … I mean, if you don’t really want me, that’s fine. I think you’ll make a wonderful dom. Thank you and goodbye.’

I rise on unsteady feet and stare desperately at the door. It looks miles away. My first attempt to hurl myself at it fails miserably, foiled by Dimitri lunging after me and catching hold of an upper arm. He spins me round to face him. I want to die. What a scene we’re making!

‘What?’ he demands in a stunned whisper. ‘What you are talking about? Come here. Sit down.’

‘Very convincing. Just like a real dom.’ So like a real dom, in fact, that I do exactly as I’m told.

‘What is wrong? Rosie, you are shaking. Look, I get you a drink. Stay there.’

I contemplate making a break for it, but I can’t bear to sneak away from him. The thought of his mild shock and consternation when he returns to the table and finds me gone makes my heart weep. I think he does care for me on some level, even if it isn’t the one I was hoping for.

He comes back with the richest possible hot chocolate, well, more a cream and marshmallow concoction with some hot chocolate included by the looks of things, and sets it down in front of me.

‘Sugar,’ he says, as if I’m supposed to grasp his meaning. ‘You drink it. And you tell me what is the problem here. I did something to make you sad?’

‘No. But you did something that showed me how things really are.’

‘How things really are? How is that?’

‘I got carried away. The S&M stuff is really intense – I suppose that made me think our relationship was also really intense.’

‘Intense?’

‘Full-on. Heavy. Um, very emotional. I don’t know. Too much.’

‘I scare you with what I do to you?’

‘No, no. I’m not explaining myself very well. To do what we do, I had to trust you. And like you. A lot. And I suppose I thought you felt the same.’

‘Stop, you think I don’t like you a lot? Because that is not true. I like you a lot. A very lot.’

‘That’s nice. But it’s not just me you like a lot, is it?’

He blinks at me, utterly bamboozled, or so he wants me to think. ‘I am not understanding you.’

‘I saw you with Trixietots. In the pub. All over her – your arms around her. And I don’t mind! I really don’t. You can shag who you like. But maybe it’s time you went pro. Maybe you’re ready now. Thanks for the experience, it was amazing, but –’

‘Shut up!’

I am too shocked to speak. He sounds quite angry. Eyes from the other tables swivel in our direction.

He breathes in, stills himself, exhales. When he speaks again, his voice is low.

‘You see me with Trixietots in the pub, right?’

I nod.

‘So why you don’t come and say hello?’

‘I was … I thought you wouldn’t want to see me, while you and she …’

‘You mean you think me and Trixietots, we are lovers? Outside your back?’

‘Behind my back. Well, yes. But you don’t have any obligation to me.’

‘Shush. You make a wrong … I don’t know the word.’

‘Decision? Conclusion?’

‘Conclusion, I think. You decide I am lovers with Trixietots. But I am not.’

His voice is still controlled, but his hand gestures aren’t. His rattling bangles can be heard on the other side of the Thames, probably.

‘Aren’t you?’

‘No.’

‘But you will be? You want to be?’

An even more emphatic, ‘No!’

‘So?’

‘Trixietots – her name is Louise actually – she is an agent. Agent for theatre.’

‘Theatrical agent?’

‘Yes. And she sign me. She find me work in a movie about economic immigrants. It start to film next month.’

I don’t know what to say. ‘Oh.’

He sniffs at me, mortally wounded. I feel like the jerkiest jerk since jerkdom was invented.

‘I mean, congratulations. Wow. That’s awesome news. I’m so pleased for you.’