“Devin,” I say, ignoring Kate for a little bit longer. “I can’t move in with you. First of all, you have a life, and what the hell is some girl going to say when you bring her home to your little one bedroom apartment and your psychotic sister is sitting on your couch?”
Devin smiles. “I never bring girls home. With my job I don’t really have time for socializing.” Devin works on the railroad as a conductor and is on call constantly.
“You’re socializing with me now,” I point out.
“I’m on bereavement,” he explains. “I get three days off.”
“Are you gay?” I ask. I’m slightly sincere as he’s hit on a major point. Devin never brings girls home. He had a girlfriend in high school that he was pretty crazy about, and I mean nuts. Like they used to shoot up and cut each other and drink their blood or something far out like that. He gives me a LOOK. “It’s a valid question, Devin.”
“No, I’m not gay, Jenna,” he tells me. “I do meet women, but I’m more concerned about your well-being right now than I am about getting laid. Living with you wouldn’t really cramp my love life since I don’t have time for one anyway.”
“Oh,” is all I can come up with. “Devin, I’m fine. It’s just…Jack.”
Devin nods. We sit silently for a bit until the waiter comes back with the check. Devin pays the bill and we walk outside. Kate is standing against the building with her arms crossed, looking coolly at Devin and me. I light a cigarette and give it to Devin and light one for myself. It’s still warm and muggy out, but it was beginning to feel stuffy inside the restaurant. We walk slowly to where Devin’s bike is parked. “Want a ride?” he asks me. I’m about to say no because of Kate, but the way Devin is looking at me - he can tell I’m struggling with Kate. He knows she’s here, and he’s testing me. I need to let him know I’m okay.
“Sure,” I say. He gives me his helmet and gets on first. I adjust the helmet and I am glad I wore jeans to sit on the bike with. He turns on the engine and I feel the vibration of the Harley reverberate all through my body, and the leather seat has soaked up the warmth of the outside. Devin gets on and I shift closer to him and put my arms around his waist. He walks the bike out of the space and takes off. In his side mirror I see Kate standing behind us, glaring with a look that makes me realize that I am going to feel her wrath. Later.
For now, I just want to ride.
*
“How the fuck could you just leave me there to fend for myself?”
“Go away, Kate,” I say, closing my eyes. I want to win this, I really do. Being with Devin makes me want to be better, just to make him happy with me. I don’t want him to worry. I don’t want to go back to the hospital. I just want to be free.
“Fuck you,” she says, getting in my face. We are sitting face to face on my mattress. I know she will hurt me tonight. Let her hurt me, I think. Feeling pain is at least feeling something. “I’m always here when you need me, Jenna. You need me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t even exist. So how can you fucking leave me? You love Devin more than me? Where was he when everything happened? Did he step in when things were bad?”
“I…can’t think,” I say. “I want to leave you, but you always find me.”
“And why do you suppose that is?” she asks me. “Why do you think you can’t get rid of me, even though you seem to want to so fucking badly?”
“I don’t know!” I say. “I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.”
“Do you even love me?” she asks me.
“Yes, Kate, I love you,” I sigh.
“Show me,” she demands. She is wild and beautiful right now, her hair a rage of strands in her lovely flushed face and her eyes glowing like hot coals with hatred toward me. I feel her pain now, and I know how much she loves me and wants to be in my life. I take her hand and press her fingers in between my legs and I hear my own lips make a moaning sound. “We haven’t done this in a long time,” she whispers.
“I don’t like it without you,” I tell her. Pleasuring myself is a ritual, but one where the pleasure is forced without Kate. The tips of her fingers feel good and warm against me. She begins to move them around without me guiding her, tracing the edge of my panties, gently touching me through them, pressing slightly, and then skimming the sensitive spot that joins my thighs to my sex. I can tell I’m already wet, and I need Kate to make me come the way I haven’t in far too long. I feel like I might explode.