The entire ride home I feel euphoric, as though I’m floating on air. Everything around me seems different, like nothing is actually happening. One of the many reasons I hate being medicated is because I don’t get to experience moments like these where everything is beautiful and wonderful in the world. Instead, everything is just the same, and I just carry out actions to survive. It’s no way to live. This is living. I look at the man next to me and smile, feeling content. I don’t know if he’s my boyfriend now and I don’t care, but I’m happy. Devin and I will work things out, Justin will be around, maybe I’ll get my shit together and go to school. Life is good. Not to mention, I don’t have to go to the Laundromat to do my laundry anymore. Seriously, how could life get any better? That feeling ends as soon as I get out of the car with Justin and approach the house. I can tell something has happened. The front door is wide open. Devin’s bike isn’t parked in front, and I know he’s not supposed to be home. The front porch light is out. “Justin,” I say. “Someone’s broken in to the house.” I just know it.
“Get back in the car and lock the door,” he tells me. He hands me the keys and I walk quickly back to the car and close and lock the doors, thankful for Louisa’s lecture to Justin on how to treat a lady. My heart is pounding in my chest as I watch Justin assess the broken porch light and see from what he’s inspecting that the window is broken as well. He walks through the open front door. Lights turn on and I wait a few minutes, breathing hard. I turn the car on and decide it won’t kill me to roll down the window and smoke while I wait. At least it won’t kill me instantly. I’m so tense, I shake as I put my cigarette in my mouth with one hand and attempt to flick my lighter several times with my other hand.
Justin comes out of the front door and motions to me to come inside. I step out of his car, put my cigarette out and lock the doors. “I checked the house,” he says to me as I walk up the front path and hand him his car keys. “Whoever got in is gone. I don’t know what’s been taken but it’s a mess.”
“Shit, really?” I say, nervous to see inside the house. I’m not worried about anything valuable being gone. Devin and I don’t actually have anything that’s worth much. At least to my knowledge we don’t. Devin could be keeping something else from me, but neither one of us could really afford anything of major value.
“Take a look,” Justin says, letting me go inside first. “I’ll be right behind you.” I can see what he means by a mess. Drawers are open. A bookcase is knocked over. Cabinets have been ransacked in the kitchen. The couch cushions are strewn around the floor in the front room. I peek into Devin’s room and see that the box of canvases he stashed away is out and pictures are all over. A few are ripped, which makes my heart pound even faster. I’m sure Devin will shed a few tears over them. Then I go to my room and see that it’s definitely the worst.
“Holy hell,” I say. “I might have mentioned I’m a bad housekeeper, but this is unusual even for me.”
“Jenna, I’m so sorry,” Justin says. “Do you want me to call the police?”
I nod reluctantly. I hate the police and getting them involved in any way just makes my heart sink, but it seems necessary. “That’s probably a good idea.” Why didn’t I just beg Justin to let me stay the night as his place? Then I wouldn’t be dealing with this nightmare until tomorrow morning. “Stay in here with me,” I say to Justin. It’s meant to be a question but it comes out as a demand. Justin nods and leans against the wall and pulls out his phone from his pocket. I begin to look around my room and I drop to my knees on the floor, rummaging through everything. Oh fuck, I think, as I pick something up. A DVD case. A movie that I’d rather Justin not know I have. And another one. And a bunch of my “toys”. My entire box of shame is all over the place, I realize. I look over at Justin and see he is watching me, but he doesn’t say anything as he waits on the phone to speak to the police. All of the DVD cases are opened and empty. I feel a bit sick to think someone else knows what’s been stashed in the privacy of my room. So apparently the only thing I can tell that was stolen was my porn. Why the hell would someone take my porn? “This is weird,” I hear myself saying. I’m embarrassed and confused. I hear Justin report the break in and give out our address. When he hangs up the phone he looks at me silently for a minute.
“So, what are you noticing?” he asks me. “Were those movies here before?”