Why the sudden turn of events? I was really enjoying myself with Drake the other night, but there’s something about him that makes me know he’s not good for me. He almost felt dangerous. Sex is a problem for me. I enjoy it, a lot, but I can’t just let myself go like I did the other night. I’m like a heroin addict when it comes to sex. If heroin addicts could just do a little bit of heroin and walk away from it for a week, they wouldn’t be heroin addicts. I’m the same way with sex. I need to have it a lot or else I go crazy when I haven’t had it in a while. Drake doing all of the things he did to me was like satisfying a long craving I’d had. What he did to me in the restaurant still makes me flutter below the waist when I think about it.
I look at Justin and think “this guy is good for me”. He’s calm and seems to be understanding of my craziness, so far. He’s trying to help Devin and me and he’s been really good to us. Am I attracted to him? He’s definitely attractive, I think, but can he give me what I need and crave?
“Kate was with someone last night,” I explain. “Someone that I….” I wonder how much he’ll like me if I tell him everything, I think, but I hate lying. I never lie. “I can’t really say I’ve been seeing him, because we were together once.” I don’t have to say what I mean by “together”, Justin clearly gets the idea. He doesn’t say or do anything but I watch his face. His jaw clenches up a couple of times the way Devin’s does when he’s angry and is trying not to say something. I probably just ruined everything. “I’m going there tonight because Kate was there with him last night, and I need to find out what happened.” He is silent for a minute and it’s getting awkward. “I’m not going to fuck him,” I decide to say, and feel myself turn beet red. Shit, I can’t believe I actually said that. But I also think Justin wants to hear it.
“Why do you care?” Justin finally asks. “Why not just stay away?”
I sigh. It’s the fifty thousand dollar question. “Because everything Kate does affects me,” I tell him. “My entire life is lived with her in mind. I’ve woken up to find that I’ve been with guys I’ve never met, in their bed. Do you know how awkward it is to wake up next to someone whose name you don’t know? Wearing clothes you don’t remember you own? I’ve woken up to groceries in my fridge I don’t even eat, like carrots. I hate carrots. Those leftovers your mom sent us home with? She ate everything except one sandwich worth of food. That probably pissed me off more than the wild rampage she was on last night.” Justin doesn’t smile at my attempt at humor. “Okay, maybe not.”
“I hope you know what you’re doing,” he tells me, sounding angry as he talks with his jaw clenched tight. He sighs and finally glances at me. “In all seriousness, I’m glad you told me all of this, Jenna, I really am.” A huge rush of relief fills me up at those words.
“I understand if it puts you off,” I say. “I wouldn’t want to be involved with someone who is bat shit insane like I am. There’s too much drama.”
“Jenna,” Justin begins. He pushes a hand through his hair which is falling forward a bit, and I notice how long his fingers are. Artist’s hands. “I will always be your friend.” He reaches over with those long fingers to take my hand and holds it. I can’t resist giving his a squeeze. “I still want to be more.”
My heart is beating hard in my chest and I can’t say anything. I can’t tell if I’m going to cry or burst with joy. Thankfully I stay controlled and intact.
“Go clean up your mess tonight,” he tells me. “You can talk to me when you don’t have any loose ends to tie up about how you feel about me,” he visibly blushes, and it’s cute. “I mean, I’m not assuming you feel anything about me or want to be with me.” He stops talking and shakes his head. “I’ll shut up now.”
I smile slightly and put my hand on the nape of his neck and put my fingers in his hair. Soft, I think. “I’m glad you kissed me and I’m glad you told me that,” I say. “But let me do this tonight.”
“Let me take you to lunch this week,” he says quickly. “Maybe when Devin goes back to work.”
“Oh, so we’re sneaking around?” I ask, smiling.
Justin shrugs. “I’m not the one who drugged my brother to go out on a booty call.”
“I didn’t drug him!” I gasp, pretending to be appalled at his suggestion. I totally drugged him in the nicest way I know how. “And it’s not a booty call.” Well, it was turning out not to be after this strange turn of events with Justin. Before he’d kissed me, it might have been just that. Why do things happen in such a way to change my intentions so quickly? “I just happen to know that a large dinner plus Fiddler on the Roof plus beer equals sleepy Devin.”