He stands up and grabs the rest of the beer bottles, including the one Devin’s hand is still clutching. “Can I help you with any of it? Where are you going off to?”
I sigh and push my hand through my hair. “I know you’ve been playing chauffeur for Devin and I a lot so I hate to ask, but I will anyway. Do you feel like driving me someplace and hearing a long story?”
*
We are in Justin’s car heading downtown, back down Cicero. I have the windows open and my hair is blowing around me. It’s cooler out tonight now that the sun went down. “So I’m not sure how I can say all of this without freaking you out,” I begin. “So can you listen and not say anything for a bit and then you can decide if you want to be a part of this craziness?”
Justin nods, looking at the road. “I can do that for you,” he replies.
I take a deep breath. “First I have to ask you something. How much do you know about what happened when Devin and I lived with Jack?” I swallow, hard. “Your mom indicated that she knows something about it.”
“It was hard not to know something was wrong when we were kids,” Justin tells me. “I know what I’ve observed and a few things Devin has told me.” A quick glance at me tells Justin I’m uncomfortable, which I am. “I’m sorry,” he says. “Devin hasn’t told me much, but I know enough to know that you weren’t in the best living situation.”
I nod and decide to fill in the gaps. There’s no gentle way to put it, so I just blurt it out. “Jack used to take money from men who wanted to have sex with me,” I say, hearing the words coming out of my mouth but not really feeling them. “I was probably six or seven the first time. Some of it’s a blur. Jack did what he could for money, but I was probably his biggest source of income.” I feel like Kate is trying to push her way out of me as I say this, but I am holding her back. I don’t want her around at all tonight. I need to do some things on my own. “You can say something if you need to.”
“I’m sorry,” is all he can say. There’s really nothing else he can say. “I really am. If I had known I would have helped you. It makes me mad as hell to hear it, and if your dad were alive, I’d probably turn this car around and kill him.”
“You couldn’t have helped,” I say. “And we’re all glad Jack is dead, believe me. I know Devin blames himself, but he couldn’t have helped either.” I take another deep breath and lean my head against the window of the car and look at the lights flashing by. “What I’m about to tell you is actually harder for me to say than what I just told you.”
“Jesus,” Justin says. “What could be worse?”
“Have you ever heard of dissociative identity disorder? Or D.I.D?” I ask.
Justin nods. “The one where you have alternate personalities in order to cope with painful things that happened in your past?”
“You must read a lot,” I say. “You’re dead on.”
“Or watch a lot of TV,” Justin admits. “It’s not unheard of.”
“True,” I agree. “So when bad things would happen to me when I was a kid, ‘Kate’ would take over and endure them.”
“Kate?” Justin says. He glances at me. “You don’t look like a Kate.”
“Ha ha,” I say. “My first doll was named Kate. She was one of those fancy dolls that looked like a little girl dressed like the Queen of England, complete with a fake fur muff and plaid coat and red pleather purse. It was one of the few things my mother actually bought me as a kid, and she got it because it sort of reminded her of me. I used to tell her all of the bad things that Jack did. It took years of therapy to remember that doll, actually, because Child Services didn’t let me take her with when Jack went to jail. One day she appeared in the way that I know her now. We grew up together. Sometimes she’s there when I’m not. Sometimes she’s with me at the same time and I can see her and hear her and talk to her. I’ve had long periods of time where I haven’t seen her, and there have been entire weeks where I was her.”
“And she’s still in your life?” he asks me.
“Yeah,” I say. “I can’t seem to get rid of her. She comes and goes depending on when I need her and don’t. Sometimes she shows up when I don’t want her to, like after something happens that I don’t like to think about. Hence why you are driving me downtown. She was out last night and I need to find out what she was doing.”
“How do you know she was out last night?” Justin asks me. He stares ahead at the road. His face is smooth and is no indication of what he’s thinking, which I’d really like to know. Does he think I’m crazy? He wouldn’t be wrong if he does, of course, but his opinion matters a little bit. I realize I like him enough to care and wonder if I hadn’t gotten up so quickly where that kiss might have taken us. I’d be home right now, and maybe filled with less dread about what might happen at Drake’s.