“No,” I say. “I can’t believe you even asked me that. Goodbye Devin.” I hit the End Call button on the screen of my iPhone, the one luxury I allow myself in place of furniture, a nice place to live, a car and human contact. He won’t call back. I stay sitting up in bed. I feel like I’m slowly being strangled, and kick away the blanket.
When was the last time I talked to Jack? I wonder this, trying to think of the moment when I last saw my dad. He was always Jack to Devin and me. I reach for my pack of cigarettes, never very far, and take a long drink of warm whiskey. It’s hot in my apartment. I can’t breathe. Maybe I should trade my iPhone in for an air conditioner, I think, but then I remind myself that summer in Chicago isn’t really very long. I stand up and start to pace slowly, and then my steps become faster and faster. I am smoking furiously, if it can even be done that way. I tug on my hair and my Saigon top which all seems to be sticking to me everywhere as the sweat pours off of my skin.
I hear a knock on my front door and know exactly who it will be. I stop what I’m doing and feel a warm relief shroud me.
It’s a few short steps from my bedroom to the door, and I stare out through the peephole and see her. She is distorted, rounded out by the glass hole between her and me. I open my door and she comes in with a rush of cold, welcome air through the hallway.
Kate is composed with a mischievous grin on her face. She is simply dressed in a short white sundress that flutters as she walks in immediately. I notice her feet are bare, and her skin is already tanned from the short amount of time it’s been warm outside. I wonder if she’s been out of town, it’s been so long since I’ve seen her, but here she is when I need her most. “I hear the bastard died,” she tells me. I don’t say anything. I stand in complete awe of her. She is here, and I needed her. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”
“You’re here,” I practically whisper.
“Yeah, I’m here. Joy of joys. Give me one of those,” she says, indicating my cigarette. “You have booze?” I nod and walk to my bedroom and present her with the mostly finished bottle and my pack. “We’ll need more booze,” she declares, throwing herself down on my sofa. “I swear you bring out the worst in me.”
“I have more,” I tell her. “How long will you stay this time?”
“As long as I can,” she says. “Maybe this time you won’t kick me out with the help of Dr. Collins and Devin?” I nod. It’s such a relief to see her here that I can’t imagine wanting her to leave or letting anyone make her go.
“I won’t let them chase you away, I need you.” I tell her. “It’s been hell.”
“I know.” I wonder if it’s as hard for her to not be with me as it is for me not to see her. I don’t want to know, in case the answer isn’t what I want to hear. We sit and drink and smoke and I take her in. Kate is beautiful where I am ugly. She is proud where I am ashamed. She speaks for me when I don’t have words. Her hair got long like mine, I think, and she’s got freckles across her nose. I want to reach out and touch her, but I wait and don’t want to seem too eager. “We’re going to Jack’s funeral,” she tells me.
“I don’t want to,” I say, eyes widening and shaking my head. I feel myself shrinking back into the sofa where I am sitting next to her, attempting to be absorbed by sticky pleather. It hits me and I realize how exhausted I am. Yet I stay awake because I can’t believe she is here with me and I am afraid that if I close my eyes, she’ll be gone.
“You have to,” she says. “Closure and shit. Dr. Collins would say something stupid like that. Have you seen her lately?”
“No,” I tell her. “Not for a while.” Not since you left, I think.
Kate nods. “You’re better off. You’re an adult - you get to decide your own fate.” She looks over at me. “Go back to bed. I’ll be here when you wake up, I promise.” She knows exactly how I feel, I think. “Then let’s get some food. I’m fucking starving.”
Like a zombie I shuffle off to my bedroom, trusting and praying she will be here when I wake up. I look back at her sitting on my couch, in disbelief that she is actually here. She beams me a smile that is uncharacteristically Kate in every way and I wonder if she’s changed. “Go,” she says. “I promise I’ll be here.”
Chapter 2
It’s my day off, and so I sleep for a long time. When I wake up its dark outside and I don’t know what time it is. I can’t remember where I put my phone after I hung up with Devin. Likely in a pile of clothes that surround me. I get up and see Kate is still here with me, and I feel safe. She is resting on the couch but her eyes are open.