Luckily she hadn’t called any authorities.
I missed Noah and Ellie leaving, but when I came upstairs Mom was there. She sat on a barstool at the island counter in the kitchen. She had her coffee and her protein shake. “Where have you been?” she asked. Usually she kept a calm air about her, but she wasn’t quite as calm now. I knew she worried about me constantly these days, but I wished she wouldn’t. I still wasn’t sure I regretted my suicide attempt, but I wasn’t about to try to do it again.
“I went for a morning walk on the beach,” I answered, feeling the need to lie about my shared time with Noah.
Mom nodded. “That’s good. The beach is always good for the soul.” She glanced down at my pajamas. “You didn’t want to change before you went out?”
Sighing, I moved for the pantry. I opened the door and hung on it, nothing inside looking very appealing. “Most of my clothes no longer fit.” And that was the honest to God truth.
During my stay at The Cove I’d gained about fifteen pounds. My roommate, Patty, had been anorexic. That was the reason she was there. And the crazy part was, when I’d first moved in with her, I’d been the thinner one! What a wakeup call—I’d never noticed I had an eating problem. Actually, I didn’t think my weight loss was necessarily an eating problem but a result of other things—like stress and depression. But on that first day, when I saw Patty’s eyes take in my figure with envy, I knew I needed to make a change. If not for my own sake, then at least as an example for her.
So that very evening I’d gorged on The Cove’s cafeteria food. And for the entire time I was there, I ate the way I wanted. Part of Patty’s treatment meant we didn’t have a mirror in our room. I hadn’t realized my body had changed as much as it had until yesterday. Because when I tried on the clothes I wanted to wear home, they no longer fit. Talk about a mini panic attack—especially when I’d had to borrow some of what Patty referred to as her ‘fat clothes’ to wear home.
But I wasn’t fat. Last night, after showering in the basement bathroom, I’d studied my naked form in front of the mirror for the first time in four months. My body had changed…but in a good way. I no longer fit into all my size two clothing, but now I had something I’d never had before—breasts! And even if my overly-healthy, slightly diet-crazed Mom was about to tell me otherwise, I think I liked this new me.
Mom stood, heading for the microwave to reheat her coffee. “I guess we’re going to have to go shopping today then. Those pajamas and the outfit you wore yesterday are hideous. You need some different clothes. And a change in wardrobe is always good.”
What? I’d expected her to comment on my weight, but instead she was going to buy me new clothes. I was so relieved, I walked over and gave her a hug. And then, after shocking the heck out of her, I changed for a fun-filled day of shopping. Truthfully, I loved shopping. Almost as much as Rose loved to shop. So the three of us set out for the nearest mall…and it was a really good day.
Rose was still being very cold and strange around me, but at least her ear buds stayed out for the mall trip. When we arrived back at the house, a little after lunchtime, I debated on what to do with the rest of my day. Mom worked from home, doing most of the behind-the-scenes stuff for Dad’s real-estate job. So even on Sundays both my parents were always working. Rose watched her TV shows. And that left me by my lonesome.
On a normal summer day, I might have taken a towel down to the waterfront, dug my feet into the hot sand, and worked diligently on bronzing my skin. But I wasn’t ready to face the ocean head-on yet. It reminded me too much of Ben and too much of the way he’d died. I’d had lots of time to think these past four months. Ben had sacrificed his life trying to rescue someone else. After learning about my brother’s death, I’d been so distraught that my immediate reaction had been to join him—wherever he might be. But with time to think…I knew he’d be disappointed in that rash decision. And so now, I was scared to death to face the ocean and step in the sand we’d spent countless hours as kids playing in.
My other option was Sonya Fletcher. My bestie. My partner in crime since kindergarten. Her father owned an all-you-can-eat crab place in Nags Head, another beach town a few miles away. I’d worked as a server at his restaurant the past two summers. Now that I was home, I assumed he’d be eager for me to start work with the rest of the summer hires. But just like Logan, I hadn’t heard from Sonya once in the past four months. Why were all my friends from high school avoiding me? Maybe their avoidance was for the best. I felt pressure around them and having that pressure lifted while at The Cove had been pretty freaking nice.