My breathing is heavy. I feel out of sorts, and I hate that. I don’t want to panic. I want to be the sure, confident Claire.
But I don’t know what to do with this confession. I’m unprepared for it. No one has ever offered their love to me. No one has asked me to be theirs. No one has pretended to be my fiancé and then fallen in love with me.
And I’m scared this might just be the magic of the vacation, the drama of the bankruptcy and the secret we’ve been keeping, that makes him feel like he could change his entire life for me.
I can’t give my heart to a man who might have second thoughts the moment he meets my daughter. The moment he’s back in Vegas with the single women and the sex and the casino. I can’t compete with that.
I don’t want to compete for anything. I just want to be loved and let that be enough.
“I can’t say those words back to you, Landon.”
“That’s okay.”
“Is it?”
“Yes. Claire, look, I know you deserve a better man than me. I’m not going to trick you into loving me. And I want you to want me. Does it fuck with my ego to know the woman I’ve fallen for has reservations? Of course, it seriously does ... but that doesn’t change anything. I still want you.”
The phone is still in my hand. I don’t know what to text Emmy. Do I want to be silly and stay in this make-believe relationship? Knowing Landon’s heart is all in? Knowing I don’t know if I can get there?
And even if I can ... I know there are some major things I’m gonna need to deal with before I can fully give myself to anyone, ever.
And I don’t know if I’m ready to open that can of worms. I haven’t been ready for five years.
“We should get dressed,” I tell him, knowing it isn’t what he wants, what he deserves.
“Just like that?” he asks, his face solemn.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him, knowing I’m hurting him by pulling away. “But, listen, I promised you the night, and it isn’t over. We just need to eat dinner and appease the people downstairs. Then I’ll come back up here with you.”
“We’ll see,” he says, swallowing hard, then turning from me.”
“We’ll see?” I know my voice is stretched thin, but seriously? I know I’m not everything Landon wants, but I don’t want him to get cold with me just because I can’t say those three all-important words back to him.
“No, you’re right, let’s just get dressed. I kinda feel worn out.” He turns to the closet and begins rooting for something to wear.
“Don’t be mad,” I tell him, watching him pull on pants and a button-down shirt. I’m still in the towel.
He snorts.
“Don’t, Landon. Don’t be mad at me because I can’t tell you I love you. That’s not fair.”
“I’m not mad. I’m just scared.”
“Scared of what?”
He turns to me, his face raw with the emotion of the day. “Scared I’m going to lose something I never had. Scared it took too fucking long to figure out what that was.”
He walks to the bathroom, and shuts the door on me.
I type a quick message for Emmy. Sorry. We’re just running late. Feeling a little overwhelmed with this whole thing. I think we’re having our first fight. Xo
It’s the most honest I’ve maybe ever been with her.
And the thing is, it isn’t Emmy I want to tell my whole heart to.
I want to tell Landon. I want Landon.
But I’m scared, too. Scared in ways he isn’t. I’ve been rejected before.
Been hurt.
Been ruined.
And it’s taken me five years to become normal again.
I can’t let that happen a second time.
Landon
Dinner is a long, drawn-out English affair. Ace, Emmy, and Tess have joined us, and their presence helps lighten the mood considerably.
Geoffrey has seemingly spent the afternoon coming around to his own double wedding in a week. He says, over the salad course, that one positive of a quick wedding is that it will happen before the company announces bankruptcy, so at least the event won’t be marred with the impending disaster.
“When do you plan on announcing it?” Ace asks.
“We want to wait as long as possible,’ Dad says. “I want to give everyone the severance they deserve. Or at least plenty of time to find other work before the stores close for good.”
Geoffrey huffs. “Dad, you can’t give severance when there’s a bankruptcy. I’ve explained this. Everyone just gets what we can salvage in a final paycheck, and we cut our losses.”
Mum and Dad look at one another across the table, as the realization of what losing this company means seems to sweep over them.