Sniffing quietly and trying to focus on what she’s telling me, I ask, “And what’s that?”
“I’m surprised you have to ask,” she remarks, sitting back in her chair. When I don’t respond, she tells me, “You’re living your happily ever after.”
Rolling my eyes again and letting out a puff of air, I feel my cheeks swell.
“I’m serious, Lucy.”
“Right,” I clip. “Because in all the fairy tales I’ve seen, at least half of them include the ex-wife coming back from the dead.”
She laughs. I don’t.
“Maybe not, but even if she did, the hero always wins,” she tells me.
I shrug. “Sometimes, the hero’s an idiot bastard who has no business doing what he’s done.”
Shannan’s eyes narrow. She’s giving up. “These are just my thoughts, Lucy. You called me over here to get them. I’m being honest. You’re sad. I get it. You feel like you didn’t do enough for you and Dillon, but you did. You’re here, and you’re a great mom to a happy, healthy little boy. You’d have found a way to make your life what you wanted after Gabe, whether Michael Holden interfered or not. Don’t forget that.”
“I haven’t,” I return. “It’s just…”
“Just?” she questions once I stop my thought.
“I loved him and he lied to me. About so much.”
“Did he?” she asks as her eyebrows lift in wonder. “I mean, yes, he did, but he lost a lot, too.”
I think about this. To be fair, Michael lost everything. He found out the truth on his own, and it must have broken him, but his reaction was to what? Atone? Grieve?
“He called your cell phone again while you were at Stella’s earlier,” she informs.
“You answered my phone?”
She bites her lip to keep from smiling. “If it helps, he sounds shattered. His voice was shaking as he tried to get me to put you on the phone.”
“He hasn’t tried to get a hold of me since the night I found out,” I whisper half-heartedly.
Michael called and I didn’t answer. I was drowning in a sea of frustration and knew better than to hear his voice. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel once hearing it, and I wanted the chance to get my thoughts in order before letting him explain.
Has he tried to forget what we had already?
“What Michael did was wrong but, sooner or later, you’ll have to deal with this. He’s your boss.” She nearly snickers the last point out and I scowl.
“I told Amber to tell Corbin I wasn’t coming in today. I wanted time to think. I may call the diner and see if I can get my old job back.”
Shannan doesn’t come back right away. Instead, she thinks a few seconds before saying, “Going backward isn’t an option for you anymore. You’ve grown. Loving a man like Michael has changed you.”
She obviously sees the confusion on my face, but I ask, “Loving a man like Michael?”
She casually shrugs. “He’s older than you–”
“By some, not a lot,” I clip in defense.
She doesn’t waver. “He’s more experienced–”
“Because he’s gotten around since his wife had supposedly died,” I snap again.
And again, she doesn’t relent. “He’s also very reserved. Yet from all you’ve told me about the two of you when you were together, he talked to you. He let you in.”
“Right.” Part of what she says is true. However, Michael hasn’t let me in completely or I’d have known all there was to know from the beginning.
“Be mad, friend. Be pissed. But don’t dwell on the life you had or didn’t have with Gabe. Sitting here trying to reason with a dead man will drive you crazy.”
Nodding, I somewhat agree. “I’m so mad at Gabe, Shannan,” I stress, my voice cracking as I do. “I’m pissed he’s not here so I can be angry at him, not the memory of him.”
“No, Lucy. Gabe’s not here,” she answers slowly. “But Michael is.”
Then she smiles.
Michael
SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK to you.
You should’ve been the one to tell her.
Give her time.
Give her space.
Wait for her…
Until this morning, I hadn’t had the opportunity to meet Lucy’s best friend. The timing in meeting Shannan, although it was over the phone when I thought it was Lucy who answered, couldn’t have been more inopportune.
After I tried to leave a message for Lucy and the conversation took an odd turn, I was relieved I didn’t have to explain what happened. Once she started doling out her advice, it was clear Lucy already explained everything.
She doesn’t want to talk to you.
I haven’t seen or talked to Lucy at all since leaving the auditorium Saturday night. Marcus was silent as he drove me to my empty house. I wanted to go to her, force her to hear my reasons for doing all I’ve done, but knowing her the way I do, anything I had to say would fall on deaf ears. When she does give me time to explain, I need her to be completely ready to listen.
You should’ve been the one to tell her.
Shannan was right. It should’ve been me, but the thought of tearing Lucy’s world apart and having her live even one day with the same anger I’ve been holding onto over the years was what kept me from it. I didn’t want her past to affect our future.
Give her time.
Time is all I have, and I’ve been spending that alone. I’ve been mentally correcting every mistake I’ve made during the last six weeks. Not one mistake starts with me kissing Lucy the first time in my office. It was a move to shut her down, keep her quiet, but I now realize it was our beginning.
Give her space.
Being away from Lucy is comparable to trying to take a breath underwater. I’m drowning in my own self-loathing, wading in an ocean of regret so deep, I can no longer see the surface. I can’t talk. I can’t breathe. I can’t see my hand in front of my face without picturing hers holding it.
Wait for her…
“Are you sure this will work for what you need? I mean, I’m not sure how Lucy does all this, so if it doesn’t make sense, maybe you can ask her when she comes back.”
Amber seems nervous standing in front of my desk. If I had to describe the way she looks, I’d say she appears worse off than a scared puppy facing a lion at lunchtime.
This has always been the effect I’ve had on the employees here.
Giving her the out she’s searching for, I grab the file, then close it. She’s made less technical errors than Lucy, but there’s truly no comparing the two. Lucy doesn’t shake like a puppy. She growls and bites like one.
Fuck, I miss you, Lucy.
“This will be fine, Amber. Thank you,” I tell her.
Momentarily, she visibly relaxes and begins to back away. I still feel her tension, but say nothing to comfort her.
“Is Lucy coming back tomorrow?” she questions. “I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon, but I can cancel if you think you’ll need me.”
“Don’t cancel anything,” I instruct. “I’ll make do with or without Lucy.”
God, if those words were only true.
Sensing I’m ready to return to work, Amber turns around and walks out the door.
Corbin and I haven’t spoken. When he knocked on my office door this morning, I had just gotten off the phone with Shannan. Maybe he recognized my agitated state and decided to back away. However, this type of agitation will not soon pass.
He had no right to tell Lucy any more than she already knew. There has to be some unsaid, unwritten rule between men. Damage control was his best option, but instead, he went with what he thought was best. I’ll get over it, I’m sure, but not until I see her again.
Amber’s been gone mere minutes before my desk phone rings once, then her voice comes through the speaker. “Mr. Holden, Jane Gilroy is here. Do you want to see her or…”
Again, Amber’s so nervous, she’s not finishing her sentences. I rest my head on the back of my chair. “Send her in, Amber. Hold my calls.”
“Will do,” she replies quickly.
Moments pass before I hear Jane outside my door, speaking to Corbin. Her tone is crisp and matter-of-fact as she denies him entrance into my office.
Quietly, her eyes on me, Jane closes the door behind her and comes forward.
“I wasn’t sure you’d be in today,” she states, taking a seat in the chair across from me and setting her bag aside.
I put in a lame effort to amuse and stretch my arms out to my sides. “Here I am.”
Her lips purse while her eyes pin me in place. “You know what I’m talking about. I thought maybe you’d have fallen into a hole and weren’t coming out until all was well in your world again.”
Jane’s an incredibly intelligent woman who was also there Saturday night. No doubt she saw Lucy taking off like a shot, then me following behind soon after. As pissed as I was, she noted it and didn’t stop me on the way out. However, I’m unsure if Corbin took shit into his own hands again and filled her in on what exactly happened. That’s yet to be determined.
“I’m meeting with Lucy tomorrow. She called this afternoon and said she’d be in my office at three.”
This is good. No matter the state of our relationship, I’m glad Lucy is moving forward with her plan in dealing with Margret Hollings.