Just a Little Crush(27)

“You didn’t steal her youth. Her decisions did.”

I brushed a strand of hair off my face and tucked it behind my ear, slipped my hands in my sleeves and wrapped my arms around my knees. “I think that’s why I’m scared to make the same decisions she did.”

He glanced at me then stared straight ahead and nodded. “Makes sense. I’m scared to make my parents’ mistakes too.”

“Is that why you don’t do girlfriend?”

He grinned and stared down at his hands. “You have a good memory.” He cleared his throat. “Yeah. That’s part of it.”

“What’s the rest of it?”

He sighed. “It’s a lot of things.”

“Oh.” I hugged my knees closer to my chest.

“We aren’t that different, you know?”

I rotated my head from where it rested on my knees, and smiled. “I think you and I are very different. Complete opposites actually.”

“Why have you never had sex?”

I sat upright. “What? You don’t know I haven’t, not that it’s any of your business.”

“So you have?” He quirked up an eyebrow.

The darkness thankfully hid my cheeks, which probably flamed red. “Really none of your business.”

“I’m not asking to be an ass, I’m making a point. Look, for the sake of argument, I’m presuming you haven’t. And I’m guessing there are probably a lot of reasons why, but the main two: You’re scared to make your mom’s mistakes and you haven’t found the right person.”

I didn’t respond but he was right.

“Well, there you go. My reasons for not having girlfriends are the same. My parents haven’t left me with much faith in relationships but maybe the right girl would change that.”

Hope sparked in my chest, though I quickly smothered it. For me to be the right girl, he’d have to be the right guy. I wanted him. Like, bad. But having sex with him terrified me. I’d waited long enough to want it to be special and not just a quick devirginzation like Mason had offered. But Ryder wasn’t the kind of guy a girl like me should get attached to. He was a little too seasoned. I’d be terrified to make an inexperienced fool out of myself. Last night’s campus make-out session already made me uncomfortable to think about. Even though I’d denied it at the time, alcohol had been a factor. Well, and all that dancing. It was like sex standing up. Who wouldn’t get turned on doing that with him? But now that he’d essentially confirmed my virgin status, my personal insecurities were insurmountable.

“Is it that obvious?” I asked.

“What? That you’re a virgin?”

I buried my head in my hands, tucked into the space between my knees and chest.

“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, and no.”

The sound of sirens whistled in the distance then faded into the night.

I peeked at him then focused back on the streaming lights below. “So what gave it away?” If he said the way I kissed, I’d die of embarrassment.

“To be honest, I think lots of guys try to get in your pants.”

I scoffed and shook my head. “Not really.”

“You’re oblivious to the way they look at you. That’s when I assumed you were.”

“You make me sound naïve and stupid.”

“Not naïve. Innocent, maybe. Which isn’t a bad thing, but it scares me. I’m worried some guy’s going to take advantage of that.”

“Some people think you’re that guy.”

“I know.” He pulled up one leg and rested his arm on his knee. “That worries me too.” He stood and wandered to the edge of the overlook.

“I’m not as innocent as you think, you know,” I said.

He grinned at me over his shoulder. “I gathered as much.” He turned and leaned against the guardrail. “That day, when you walked into the coffee shop, I couldn’t resist talking with you, but once I did, I knew it had been a bad idea. I figured the odds of running into you again were slim, but then you showed up at my place. And everything about you was just so different than the other girls who are usually interested in guys like me, which is also why I knew you’d get hurt.” He shook his head and looked away. “So, I decided to just get to know you. I thought if you became a person to me, I’d never be able to hurt you. Because that’s what I do. When I see a girl I want, I go after her. I sleep with her. Then I’m done. That’s the truth. That’s me.”

He stared at me like he wanted a reaction, but what did he expect? Was I supposed to tell him he disgusted me? Because he didn’t. In fact, it only intrigued me. He’d said he wanted me but then he took me back to my dorm. “So is that why you don’t want to sleep with me? Because you know me now?”