Just The Way You Are(49)

A flash of guilt ran through him. "I'm taking her out on the boat tomorrow," he answered, because there couldn't be any more lies between them.

She turned her head, her brown eyes pained. "On the boat?"

"We need to talk."

"Why can't you just have coffee like everyone else?"

"Tessa can't blink without someone reporting it to the newspaper."

"Well, you'll have all the privacy you want on the boat." Her expression was pure hurt.

"Someday you might have to learn to trust me, Alli."

"It doesn't matter if I trust you or not. I told you I wanted to set you free, and I meant it. If that means you go to Tessa, then that's what it means."

He tapped his fingers against the steering wheel, feeling more restless with each word. He saw a view point directly ahead and pulled into a parking spot overlooking the Pacific Ocean, because with the way he felt right now he was afraid he would drive them off a cliff if he didn't stop.

"What are you doing?" Alli asked in surprise. "We have a soccer game to get to."

"Oh, we'll get there, all right. But first you and I are going to have a very long-overdue conversation."

Alli turned to face him. "What do you want to talk about?"

"The box of photographs you found in my office."

"Why do you want to talk about that now?"#p#分页标题#e#

"Because I do. Because we didn't really discuss it before."

"There's nothing to discuss."

"Of course there is. I didn't collect those clippings, Alli. Your grandmother did. And last year she brought them to me and asked me to keep them for Megan."

Alli looked both surprised and hurt. "Grams wouldn't have done that. She never would have…" Alli's words faded away as he held her gaze and refused to let go. "Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"Because I didn't want to break the bond between you and Phoebe. I knew you would see it as a betrayal, Phoebe choosing Tessa over you. So I kept the box. I suppose I could have insisted that Phoebe keep them at her house, but I guess there was a small part of me that enjoyed seeing what Tessa was up to."

"So you were interested in the clippings after all?"

He hated the shimmer of pain in her eyes, the trembling quality of her voice. "Was it so wrong to be interested in someone I grew up with, someone I once cared about?"

"Yes. Yes, it was," she said passionately. "Do you know how I felt when I found that box? It was like seeing you in the arms of another woman. And the woman was Tessa."

"Alli—"

"You can't imagine how awful I felt," she continued, the words pouring out in a rush. "It wasn't just the box itself, it was the secret you were keeping. You knew those photographs would hurt me. That's why you hid them away. Isn't it? Otherwise, you would have just set them on the table."

He forced himself to swallow back an automatic denial. Maybe, just maybe, there was a shred of truth in what she was saying. "I never thought I was cheating on you by looking at photographs of Tessa. Half the world looks at photographs of Tessa."

"Half the world isn't married to her sister." She took a deep breath. "You hurt me, Sam. I thought you were better than that."

"Better than what? I'm a man, Alli. I'm human. I make mistakes. So do you. We're supposed to be able to forgive each other when we screw up."

"I know that," she said wearily. "I told you before it wasn't just the box. That was the last straw, not the first. You've looked at our marriage as a jail sentence—a sentence that won't end until Megan grows up. That's what I can't live with anymore, Sam. I can't stay with someone who is never going to love me the way I deserve to be loved. I don't want to mark time for the next ten years. I want to live my life, and I think you want the same thing."

"I've done everything I can to make you happy. If you want to call that marking time—"

"You haven't done everything," she said, her voice rising again with the force of her emotions. "You haven't let go of Tessa, not deep in your heart where it counts."

He shook his head, feeling frustrated and angry. "Maybe you're the one who won't let go of Tessa. Have you ever thought of that?"

"I'm trying to let go. That's why I asked for the divorce. Because one person in love in a marriage isn't enough. We can't pretend anymore. We have to be honest with each other."

"I haven't been pretending to care about you the last nine years. Hell, I've always cared about you, even when you made me nuts." He took a deep breath, knowing he had to tell her something he had only recently been able to admit to himself. "Do you really think I would have made love to you all those years ago if I hadn't felt something?"