Do what you will but I can’t take this anymore.
You miss the woman who was loyal, I miss the man who was kind.
Good-bye,
Kasie
Robert expelled the fog from my mind. I felt it seep from my pores, mingle with the sweat of our lovemaking, and then it just evaporated. Robert thinks I’m going to trust him to save me. Dave will think I’m throwing caution to the wind.
They’re both wrong. I’m still at war. But now I’m ready to fight like a warrior.
But even wars have moments of quiet—moments when the gunfire’s so faint, it could be the popping of balloons. I feel that ephemeral peace as we drive away in Robert’s Alfa Romeo, a car that resembles art and smells of power. We don’t speak. Instead I enjoy the movement of his hand over the gearshift, cherish the way he caresses the leather-covered steering wheel. I’m almost jealous that the car should be the beneficiary of such firm and loving handling, but it’ll be my turn soon.
I’ve been to Robert’s home before but when we finally walk through that front gate . . . when I see the entire city sparkling back at me with excitement and anticipation, I can’t help but feel a little alarmed by the grandeur of the view. He leads me inside and I find that I feel awkward and a little shy. Last time I had been here we had made love in his massive bed over and over again, but afterward we had talked. It had been so comfortable. I had been at ease. I wonder if he expects that I’ll be able to go back to that place. I can’t of course. Not yet.
He seems to understand, or maybe he just sees the blush on my cheeks and senses that delicacy is needed. He almost formally ushers me to the deep brown leather sofa in the living room and then disappears to get me something to drink.
I sit rigidly, wondering if he’ll be bring me a scotch, the dangerous cocktail that had started it all.
But I need a clear head tonight. The battle is too close for that kind of indulgence.
When Robert comes back with a large green mug, I catch the sent of hot chocolate and I eagerly take the mug into my hands, sipping the bittersweet flavor with relish. It’s such an innocent drink, I wonder if I deserve it. But I hope I do. I hope to absorb some of the sweet, childlike qualities. I want to feel just a tiny bit of that innocence.
Robert sits by my side. “I’ll talk to Dave tomorrow.”
“No,” I say simply. “That’s my fight.”
“Love tells me that Dave might use our affair to get you fired.”
For a moment I’m puzzled, and then I realize he’s talking about Tom. That’s the only Love that can tell him anything practical.
“I’ll stop that from happening,” Robert goes on. “Even Freeland won’t throw away my business out of loyalty to his maggot of a godson.”
“Asha knows, too,” I say.
“Asha?”
“You’ve met her. She’s on my team.”
Robert shrugs, not understanding her significance. “It won’t matter what she knows. The world can know. It won’t effect your position. I’ll—”
“You’ll see to that?” I say, finishing his sentence, my tone harsher than I had intended it to be. It’s no use. I can’t internalize the sweetness of the chocolate, only the bitterness. I stare into the darkened fireplace. “She thinks I only got this job because I was sleeping with Dave, the maggot of a godson you’re so eager to confront.”
“So?” Robert says, still not grasping the problem.
“So now she’ll think that I’m only keeping my job because I’m sleeping with you.”
Fresh comprehension sparkles in his eyes. “Who the hell cares what people think, Kasie? They don’t matter. Only you and I do.”
“If that was true, the world would be other than it is. If that was true,” I say, each word growing a little more testy, “we’d be gods. Osiris and Isis. Zeus and Hera . . . but that’s not quite right, either, is it? After all, even they had to give the other deities some consideration.”
“Are you angry with me?”
I almost say yes but then realize it’s not true. Not exactly. “I’m angry because I want everything to be as simple as you say it is, and I’m angry because it can’t be. It’s my fault. I can’t be seen as the office slut. I need respect to do my job. I need respect to be able to breathe.”
“They’ll respect you when you excel. All anyone needs to do is watch you work to know that you deserve your position.”
“But they won’t see me. They’ll see what I’ve done and they’ll train their eyes to see the whore Dave and Asha believe me to be.”