I wondered what Romeo would say if he knew what T and I spent the majority of our time the past two days doing together. I wondered what they all would say.
That was the thing about living in Fantasyland.
Eventually, reality always took over.
Trent
He wanted me to remember, but no one else to see.
I couldn’t even be mad, because I understood. I felt the same.
Before this weekend, I was worried I’d lose my family if they found out the way I felt about Drew. Yes, because I thought he didn’t feel the same and it would drive a wedge between us. But also because I was “suddenly” gay.
Granted, I wasn’t really suddenly gay, but that’s how it was going to look. I might have taken a lot of hits during football, a lot of them to my head, but I wasn’t stupid. It might be a new age, and I might live in a world of intense political correctness, yet…
Facts were facts.
Not everyone was so accepting of a person’s choice to love someone of the same sex. By some, it was considered a sin. It made others uncomfortable, and to the real assholes of the world, it made us perverts.
I didn’t want to be judged for a choice… a choice my heart made out of love.
I didn’t want that for Drew either.
With Romeo’s and Braeden’s high-profile careers as football players, the last thing they needed was me announcing I wanted to be with Drew. They wouldn’t understand.
How could they? I could barely wrap my head around it.
The way we jumped apart when the family got home Sunday was like a bucket of ice water to the balls. Who was I kidding? A relationship between Drew and me couldn’t work. Especially if we both acted like we were doing something wrong whenever another person was around.
Reality blew chunks.
Even though I was nauseous from life, I still couldn’t stay away. Drew had his first big interview today. It was literally the first day of the rest of his life in racing. I was going to be there come hell or high water.
Oh yeah, and someone had to drag his ass out of bed.
How the guy managed to get himself to his day job on time every day (At the early hour of eight a.m. Yeah, he’d never survive football practices at five.) I honestly would like to know.
I went over earlier than I needed to for two reasons:
1) I didn’t want anyone to see me sneaking up to his room.
and
2) I missed him.
I lay awake a long time, trying to fall asleep the night before, thinking about him. About how good it was to be with him the way we were over the weekend. About how I loved him and kinda wished I didn’t. I thought about how we went back to just “friends” as soon as the family walked in and how hard it was to not be able to reach out and touch him if I wanted. I spent a lot of time the last few years trying to love someone. Every girl I met, I wondered if she’d be the one, even though I always sort of knew she wouldn’t.
I loved Drew without trying, in spite of trying not to.
I found it incredibly ironic that now, when we stood in a room full of other people, I had to be careful how I looked at him. I had to be careful the love I always tried to have for someone didn’t show in my eyes.
It shouldn’t feel like a punishment or a crime to love someone. Anyone. People stepped out in the world today with guns and bombs. They killed one another without any thought of an actual human life.
But I lay there in bed and worried what people might do when they found out I loved someone.
I woke up reaching for him, but he wasn’t there.
Drew might be the cause of the debate inside me, but he was also the solution. I didn’t know anything else, but I did know that.
This morning, it was enough.
I used the key Romeo gave me months ago; it was the first time I’d ever actually used it. I remembered thinking at the time it was unnecessary I had a key because someone was always home when I came over, but Romeo said even though I didn’t live here, this was still my place.
I was grateful for that key right now. It kinda made me wonder if he’d known I’d need it someday.
It wasn’t super early, but early enough that no one was up and moving around yet, but I knew they would be soon. Nova didn’t let anyone sleep late in this house. Because of that, I moved fast, as soundless as I could up the stairs and down the hall.
Prada barked from inside B and Ivy’s room, and I winced but kept moving and stealthily let myself into Drew’s room, closing the door behind me quickly and quietly.
The room was very dim, but I could still see him on the bed. Instead of taking up the middle of the mattress, he was lying on his side. The one he slept on when I was here. It was like he, too, in such a short time, got used to sharing the bed with me.
Or maybe I just wanted to believe that.