“We have our instincts,” Mace said. He turned to Qui-Gon. “Is there a place we can speak alone, Qui-Gon?”
Reluctantly, Qui-Gon nodded. He turned and led the way down the hall.
As soon as they were alone, Obi-Wan turned to Bant. “I’m so sorry about Tahl,” he said in a rush. “I know how you must feel - “
“I don’t think so.” Bent’s tone was flat. She looked at him steadily with her large silver eyes. Mon Calamari had extraordinarily clear eyes, and Obi-Wan had always been able to read Bant’s emotions. Now he was confused by the anger he saw there.
“Your sympathy comes too late,” Bant continued. “How could you keep the fact that Tahl had been kidnapped from me, Obi-Wan? You know that you and Qui-Gon should have contacted the Temple immediately.”
“I know,” Obi-Wan said. “But so much happened so fast. Qui-Gon thought that more Jedi might endanger Tahl’s life. We decided that if we couldn’t rescue her in twenty-four hours, we would contact the Temple.” Actually, it had been Qui-Gon’s decision to wait. But Obi-Wan would take responsibility for it, too. He could have argued with Qui-Gon. He had not.
“That wasn’t your decision to make,” Bant interrupted. Her normally gentle voice was crisp with anger. “How would you feel if another Jedi team had done that to you, Obi-Wan? What if Qui-Gon had been kidnapped?”
Obi-Wan felt shame wash over him. Qui-Gon had been kidnapped once, by the scientist Jenna Zan Arbor. If he hadn’t been involved in Qui-Gon’s rescue, he would have gone crazy.
“We didn’t think it through,” he admitted.
“I’ll say,” Bant said bitterly. She had never taken such a harsh tone with him. “Did you think of me at all, Obi-Wan?”
“Of course,” Obi-Wan said. “I thought I would save you a day of worry. If we couldn’t rescue Tahl, we would have called in a Jedi team.”
“But you didn’t rescue Tahl,” Bant said evenly. “At least, not in time. Did you?”
Obi-Wan was stung. Bant had said nothing more than the terrible truth, but it wasn’t like her to hurt him that way.
She seemed to realize how severely her words had wounded him. “She was my Master, Obi-Wan,” she said in a slightly softer tone. “She needed me. I wasn’t there. You can’t imagine how that feels.”
“No,” he said quietly. “And I never would want to. I am truly sorry, Bant. You are right. We should have contacted you.”
Bant nodded stiffly. Obi-Wan’s actions had caused a rift in their friendship. He didn’t know how deep that rift was, or how long it would last.
Tahl was dead. Qui-Gon was like a stranger. And now Obi-Wan’s best friend had turned away from him.
He had never felt so alone.
CHAPTER 3
The last thing Qui-Gon wanted was a private talk with Mace Windu. He felt such a heaviness of spirit that it was all he could do to be courteous to the Jedi Master. The pain inside him ebbed and flowed like an unpredictable tide. Sometimes it reared up so fiercely that it tore at his insides like a beast.
Out of all the Jedi, why did Mace have to take this mission? There was a great deal of respect between the two Jedi, but Qui-Gon had never felt particularly close to his formidable colleague.
The door slid shut behind them. Even here in his private reception room, Manex had turned the lights to pale blue. It gave an eerie cast to the gleaming black stone that covered the walls and floors, and turned the bright vivid greens of the seating areas and lush pillows into a sickly hue.
“Do you wish to accompany Tahl’s body back to the Temple?” Mace asked. “Bant, Obi-Wan, and I can remain here and conduct the mission.”
Qui-Gon saw that Mace was trying to be kind. There was deep sympathy in his sober gaze. He felt a rush of relief that Mace did not inquire into his feelings, or ask if there had been something deeper than friendship between Qui-Gon and Tahl. Qui-Gon suspected that Mace already knew these things without words.
Qui-Gon did not intend to give up the search for Tahl’s killer. But he needed to be careful. He could not tell Mace that his need to find Balog was burning inside him. His anger might show in his voice or his face. Mace might think that the anger was not under control. He would not understand that despite his grief, Qui-Gon’s control was complete.
It is because it has to be. It’s the only way I can go on.
“Thank you for the offer,” he said. “But I must continue the mission in order to honor Tahl’s memory.”
To Qui-Gon’s relief, Mace nodded. He was not going to argue with him. Tahl would have. She always knew when he was trying to sidestep his own feelings. A fresh spurt of agony caused him to clench his hands together into fists by his side. If Mace noticed, he did not comment.