“I think that’s awesome that you’re there for her every week like that.”
“Believe me…I’m the lucky one. If you met this girl, you’d know what I mean.”
“Maybe I could go with you and meet her some Wednesday.”
She laughed. “She’d love that more than you know.”
“Why do you say that?”
“She’s a sex-crazed teenager, and she saw a picture of you. She’s been asking me to bring you around. She calls you ‘Jake the beefcake.’”
I laughed. “She’s a hot ticket, huh?”
“You have no idea.”
Nina ended up falling asleep on me. I carried her into her room and tucked her in then went into the kitchen to heat up some Chinese food. Her roommate was away visiting her boyfriend in D.C., so we were alone in the apartment. As I ate in the quiet of her kitchen, I thought about how this night was nothing like I had hoped it would be after such as long absence. I wasn’t sure whether to wake her to say goodbye, leave a note, or just slip into her bed.
I opted to stay the night. It was just too tempting to lie next to her. She was still fast asleep when I took off my shirt and pants, leaving my boxer briefs on. I lifted the covers and lay down behind her, placing my hand on her waist. She didn’t even flinch. I listened to her steady breathing until I fell asleep.
At some point in the middle of the night, she sat up in bed and it woke me up. She seemed to be anxious and her breathing reminded me of how she acted during our plane ride to Chicago.
“Nina?”
She was shaking a little. “I just had a bad dream, that’s all. I’m fine.”
I began to cradle her. “You don’t sound fine.”
“Just hold me, okay?”
“Of course. I’ll hold you until the morning if you need me to.”
After a long silence, I thought she was about to fall back asleep when she asked me, “Are you going back to Boston again this weekend?”
She knew I went to Boston every weekend, so it was a strange question. “I was planning on it, yeah.”
“So, even after the divorce, you still plan to go every single weekend?”
She caught me off guard. “Yes. I mean…she’s alone all week with no family looking in. Does it bother you that I plan to go back every weekend?”
The fact that she didn’t say anything right away told me that it did.
It was dark, so I couldn’t tell whether she was crying when her voice shook. “It’s just going to be hard.”
I held her close to me, feeling suddenly petrified. “I know, Nina. Believe me, I know. This is why I didn’t want to get involved with anyone. But shit, I am in deep with you, and there is no going back. We’ll figure it out. We have to. Maybe you can come with me some weekends. I know my sister is dying to meet you.”
“Come with you to visit Ivy?”
“No, not to visit Ivy, but you and I will spend the mornings and nights together in Boston.”
“So, you’ll be with Ivy all day while I roam the city alone?”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“Nina…”
“It’s okay, like you said, we’ll work it out,” she said abruptly.
A sinking feeling came over me as we sat in silence. Suddenly, the seeds of doubt had been planted. Had I really thought this through? Was it realistic for me to expect her to accept my putting Ivy before her for the rest of our lives? It wasn’t fair. My sense of obligation to Ivy was strong, but it wasn’t stronger than my love for Nina. I had some serious thinking to do about how I was going to handle things. One thing was for certain: I wasn’t going to figure it all out tonight.
***
For the rest of that week, Nina made up an excuse every night not to see me. Tuesday, she claimed she was still sick. Wednesday, it was that she had returned late from visiting Skylar and needed to study. Then, it was more studying on Thursday. I knew better. If you want to see someone, you always make time, even if its just five minutes.
So, we never got together before I had to go back to Boston the following weekend. Ivy was having a tough stretch and had to be hospitalized again briefly while I was there. I had gotten very little sleep.
The entire weekend was a blur. Before I knew it, I was home in Brooklyn again. It was a never-ending cycle, and I was tired of it.
So fucking tired.
To make matters worse, Nina had not responded to me at all the Monday after I got back. It was the first day she had completely ignored my texts. The more time that passed without a response, the more hopeless I became. Add to that, the fact that Ivy was a mess when I left Boston, and I was in a bad place.
I had let down the person who needed me most, for the person I needed more than anything and managed to fuck up all of our lives in the process. The future was just one black hole now.