Her eyes were watering again. “Are you going to stay married to her?”
“I never planned to divorce her because I never planned to fall in love with someone. I don’t know what would happen to her if we weren’t legally married, what rights I’d have when it came to her care. I still have to do a lot of research before I cut those ties legally. I would never be able to abandon her, Nina. She’s always going to be a part of my life. But if divorcing her is a condition of being with you, then I am telling you right here and now that I will do it.”
“I would never expect you to abandon her, Jake. That’s horrible. I hope you didn’t think that’s what I meant when I asked if you were going to stay married.”
Thank God.
“I didn’t think that. I am glad you understand.”
She continued. “But I just can’t be with you if you are married. I can’t sleep with a married man.”
Fuck. Where was this going?
“I don’t consider myself committed to her in that way anymore. There would be no marriage if it weren’t for my wanting to be able to make sure she is cared for. I can understand your point, though. I am still legally married to someone else.”
Just be with me, Nina.
She let out a deep sigh. “Daria asked me to move in with her. This is an extra room, and she had been looking for a roommate anyway. I think it’s best if we live apart while we try to figure things out.”
No. I can’t fucking live without you.
“Okay. If that’s what you need.”
It felt like I was losing her.
“I am still in shock, okay? I need some time to let this set in.”
You said you’d never leave me.
I put my hand on her knee as my chest tightened in agony. “Anything you need.”
CHAPTER 24
I fell into a deep depression over the next couple of weeks. Nina moved the rest of her stuff out, and the new semester had just started, so I hadn’t seen her much.
We met in a park to talk one afternoon. She seemed disconnected and wasn’t making much eye contact when I answered some questions she had. She asked me again exactly how long it had been since I had been intimate with Ivy and how many women I had slept with since. She was fidgety and seemed distressed. I was honest with her about everything, but it felt like we had taken a step backwards.
I went home that night pissed at life and ended up punching a hole through the wall in my room. The clincher was, after seeing her, I felt more in love with her than ever. That desperate need to take away the darkness that had returned to her eyes was overwhelming me. I had been dying to touch her as she sat across from me on that bench. She was wearing a white wool coat and looked like a snow angel, her nose and cheeks rosy from the cold air.
That was over a week ago. Now, I couldn’t even walk by her empty room without getting angry. One night, I lay down on her stripped mattress, staring at the ceiling and wallowing in the memories of our first and last night together in this room. I opened her bedside drawer and slammed it shut out of frustration after finding every single paper bat I ever made her.
Mostly, I was mad at myself because I hadn’t grown the balls to confront Ivy about a divorce. The timing was bad because she had just started that new risky medication. I was hoping that if it gave her some clarity, it would make it easier to explain everything to her. So, I was waiting, but it hadn’t kicked in yet. We had no guarantees that it ever would, especially when nothing had ever worked for her.
The more days that passed, the more afraid I was that Nina was going to move on and realize that she was too good for me and all of my baggage. I had asked her to wait for me, but how realistic was that when I had no idea how long a divorce would take? That asshole Ryan was probably planning another blind date for her as we speak. I knew in my gut he was working against me. I needed to keep an eye on him.
One Thursday afternoon, I told my boss I was going home sick, but really, I was sick over Nina. I walked around the city aimlessly until I decided I just needed to go to her. I hopped the next train back to Brooklyn, unsure of what I was going to say or do. I needed to know where things stood. And I just wanted to see her, bury my nose in her hair and tell her that I loved her. It was her day off from school, so I was counting on her being there.
After buzzing the doorbell several times, there was no answer at her apartment. Desperate, I even climbed up the fire escape on the off chance she was in her room and didn’t hear me ringing. Her window shade was down. I knocked on the window, but she wasn’t there. I sent her a text.
I really need to see you.
I got no response after five minutes of waiting outside her doorstep.