“I want that, sis. I do. You know how much I love the twins. I would love to have kids of my own. But I pretty much wrote that off when Ivy got sick. I never thought about those kinds of things again until Nina. But divorcing Ivy…I just don’t know how I would live with myself if I did that and something happened to her.”
Cedric put his coffee down and looked at me. That dude has some intense blue eyes. “Let me tell you something I learned a long time ago, Jake. Love has no conscience. It doesn’t know right or wrong. It’s a feeling you can’t shake that penetrates your soul, and it cannot be broken. If you’re truly in love with this girl, that’s not going to change no matter what your life circumstances are. Time will tell whether it’s true love or not. If it is, you won’t be able to live without her. End of story.” He looked at my sister.
I knew he was right.
Allison got up from the table and hugged me. “We just want to see you happy. We’ll help in any way we can. Divorcing Ivy doesn’t have to mean deserting her. I’ll look into alternative insurance plans and state aid. We’ll help, even if Cedric and I have to pay for some of the expenses. We’ve already discussed it.”
I would never let them do that, but damn, I truly had the best family in the world.
“I am not ready to think about divorce, Al. Just let me tell Nina what’s going on first, and then we’ll see how she reacts.”
***
“Hi, baby girl.”
Ivy was looking out the hospital window when I arrived. She turned around, smiled and ran to me, giving me the biggest hug I had gotten from her in a while.
“There’s my handsome man,” she said.
My stomach was in knots with guilt. She and I hadn’t had an intimate relationship in years, but sometimes, it was like her mind would revert back to the past for a fleeting moment. It came in waves and never lasted. It freaked me out when it happened.
“How are you feeling?”
“So good…so good,” she said leaning her head on my chest.
“I want to spend the whole day with you before I have to go back to New York, but I’ll be back again this weekend.”
She pulled back abruptly. “Where were you last night?”
“I was here the whole time until you nodded off. Then, I went to Allison and Cedric’s to sleep.”
“Why did you leave?”
“I just told you.”
“What were you really doing?”
“Sleeping, Ivy.”
“I don’t believe you.”
Here we go. It was always like a light switch.
“Where do you think I was?”
“I think you were with them.”
“With who?”
“With the police.”
“No, baby girl. No police.”
“You’re trying to get me out of the country again, aren’t you?”
It was pointless to defend myself in any great detail when Ivy’s paranoia started up like this. I learned over time, it was better to just simply deny what she was accusing me of with one or two word answers. If she became overly upset at me, I would just leave until she calmed down.
“No, Ivy.”
“I can’t believe you’re doing this again. Why are you trying to get rid of me?”
“I’m not.”
“Don’t you love me?”
“I love you very much.”
“Then, why are you trying to hurt me?”
“Ivy—”
“Get out! Get out of here before I scream!”
I looked up at the ceiling, focusing on a crack in the paint as she continued to yell. I really didn’t want to leave her since I had to go back to New York tonight. When she started to push me, I left the room to see if I could talk to the doctor. After a fifteen- minute wait, Dr. Greally came out to the sitting area and asked me to go back to her office.
“Have you made any decisions about trying the Clozapine?”
“I am still on the fence. I am not around during the week because I work out of state, and I am worried about the side-effects. I don’t know if I can trust the workers at the group home to keep tabs on her.”
“We’ll have the social worker make sure she gets to the lab safely each week for the blood work. I can also do daily check-ins with the supervisor over there. If there is any indication that she’s experiencing anything abnormal, we can always stop it.”
“Okay…I’ll let you know in a couple of more days, if that’s okay?”
“Take your time.”
When I returned to Ivy’s room, she had the television on and was watching an episode of House Hunters, that real estate show where the people have to pick between three houses to buy. I sat down next to her and searched her face to see if I was welcome again.