I looked at the time: 9:45. I had overslept and had already missed my first class.
Of course, Jake had left for work and would be gone for the weekend again. This time, though, I was relieved to not see him for a few days.
Tarah was in the kitchen making coffee, and the percolating sound was magnified due to my hangover.
“Sup, girly,” she said when I walked out into the living area.
“Hey,” I said hoarsely. My head was killing me, and I felt nauseous.
“You look like death, sweetie. Is everything okay?”
I wasn’t sure if I should confide in her about what happened with Jake. I didn’t even know how to sum up last night properly.
We had a scorpion bowl, he told me I had a big ass, the fortune cookie talked, then he got an erection and kicked me out of his room.
“Everything is okay. It was just a late night.”
“You were with Jake. I know. He told me.”
“He told you what?” I snapped.
“Take it easy…just that you guys went out late last night. Before he left for work, he told me to keep an eye on you today, that you might be hurting because you drank too much or something.”
Or something.
He knew I’d be hurting, because he was the one that hurt me.
“Yeah…we went to that Kung Pao Karaoke place.”
“So, was it like a date?”
“No. Nothing like a date.”
“Nina, are you okay? Because you don’t look okay.”
Damn it. My eyes were starting to water.
“I am not, T. I am not okay at all.”
“Are you gonna tell me what’s going on? What did he do?”
“It’s not what he did. It’s what he didn’t do. It’s what he wouldn’t say. It’s what won’t be happening between us. Let’s just say, I needed to know whether we would be more than friends, and I basically got my answer last night.”
“I am sorry, sweetie.”
“Don’t say anything to Ryan, okay?”
Tarah pulled me in for a hug. “I’ve seen the way Jake looks at you when you don’t even realize it. I don’t know what he did or said or didn’t say last night, but that dude does have feelings for you.”
“I guess it’s just…complicated,” I said rolling my eyes.
***
As I was leaving English class that afternoon, I made an impulsive decision to take the building elevator instead of the stairs. I no longer had the same fear of them that existed before meeting Jake and before our elevator picnic, but I found that I still avoided them everyday.
Maybe I just needed to prove to myself that I didn’t need him anymore.
Thankfully, the elevator was empty. I was extremely jittery but felt in control when I pushed the button and closed the doors.
I shut my eyes and worked through the anxiety and building panic, counting to myself as the elevator descended down six floors.
When the doors opened, I felt immense relief because I knew now that I could do it on my own. It was only six floors, but this meant everything to me. I became extremely emotional as I made my way out to the sidewalk.
On the way home, my thoughts turned to Jake and that day in the elevator when he played the song that moved me deeply, Stuck in the Elevator. I had downloaded it to my iPod and scrolled down to play it while resting on a park bench.
The song brought me right back to that moment with him where I had been so filled with hope and excitement about the way he made me feel. It was painful to accept that I would have to stop those kinds of feelings in their tracks moving forward. They weren’t going to go away. I just needed a way to bottle them up because that was the only way I could survive living with him.
A teardrop fell down my cheek as the song continued to play. My phone then vibrated on my leg, and I looked down to see that it was a text from Jake.
Please tell me I didn’t lose you as a friend last night.
My emotions went into overload with the song still playing as the text came in. I had no idea how to respond, but regardless of the exact wording, the answer would have been the same.
Nina: Of course not.
Jake: I know I was acting all sorts of fucked up. I am sorry.
Nina: It’s okay. We were both probably still drunk, right?
There was a long pause, and I didn’t think he was going to write back, but then my phone vibrated again.
Jake: I care about you. I am sorry if I hurt you.
Nina: You didn’t.
Liar.
Jake: I’ll see you Monday.
Nina: See you then.
Jake: We’re still friends?
Nina: Yes. Still friends.
Jake: Just checking.
And with that, still feeling hurt beyond belief, I resigned myself to the fact that friends were all we would ever be.