“I won’t ever be ready. Don’t you understand? I won’t ever be ready for that door to close.”
“Then you need to let me decide when, okay? You trust me, Nina?”
I looked at his pleading eyes and squeezed his hand tighter.
Why did he care? Why did he want to do this for me?
“I probably shouldn’t trust you, Jake, but the truth is, I do. I am just scared.”
I knew I had to do this. If I couldn’t do this today, with this crazy guy who was willing to help me through it, I would never be able to do it myself. It was only getting worse over time. Even if it killed me, I knew I had to let him close that door.
“Nina, I’m going to let the doors close now, okay?”
I nodded silently and watched as he took his finger off of the button. When the doors closed completely, I began to shake uncontrollably. Memories of the last time I was in an elevator flashed through my mind.
He pushed a button, and as the elevator began to rise up, I instinctively leaned into him, holding on for dear life. I could feel his chest tighten as my nails dug into him, and I closed my eyes, breathing in his scent to calm my nerves. I was terrified and didn’t care how foolish I looked. I needed him to hold onto me, because it felt like I was going pass out.
“You’re doing good,” he whispered into my ear, which was right under his mouth. “Look. We’re on fifty now.”
I shook my head, which was buried in his armpit. “Don’t tell me! I don’t want to know how high we are.”
My heart was pounding against him for at least a minute.
Jake tapped me. “Nina, you did it. We reached the eightieth floor.” He released me from his grip, and I was still breathing heavily as the doors opened. “You want to walk around up here for a bit or do you wanna go right back down?”
“Go back down. Please,” I urged. I just wanted to get this over with.
“You got it,” he said as he pressed the down button, and the doors closed.
I started to calm down a bit. I just had to keep myself from hyperventilating or fainting on the way down, and I could make it out of this box alive. I clutched his shirt again, using him for support. I could feel his breath and smell the mint gum he was chewing.
I peeked at the numbers and saw sixty-five, sixty-four, sixty-three, sixty-two, and then it happened: a massive jolt as the elevator came to an abrupt halt.
The rush of panic that swept through me in that second was the most overpowering I had ever experienced, and my body burned up like a fire had started inside.
I screamed.
“Jake! Jake? We’re stuck! What’s happening? What’s happening?”
“Shh.” He was hushing me to calm me down, and it took me a few seconds to notice his relaxed expression…and that his hand was on the stop button.
“Please tell me…you…did not just stop this elevator?”
“Calm down, Nina. Calm dow—”
I smacked him in the chest with all of my might.
“The fuck, Nina. Stop!” he yelled as he grabbed my hands and locked them together in his palms. He was strong, and I stood no chance of freeing them. He blocked access to the buttons as he held my hands together.
I was panting. “You told me you wouldn’t force me to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with. I am begging you…to move this elevator…now!”
He squeezed my hands, securing them even more firmly in his grasp. “Nina, calm down. It’s okay. Don’t you see you have to stick this out? You have to pass through the moment of panic. If you can get past that and see that nothing happens, you can do anything.”
“I don’t want to. It’s not worth it!”
“What’s not worth it?”
“Experiencing this…these horrible feelings!” I felt like I was starting to hyperventilate as my breath became impossible to catch.
“Nothing is actually happening to you right now. It’s you and me standing here. That’s it. It’s all in your mind.” He let go of my hands and cupped my face. “Look at me.” He looked into my eyes and I could only imagine the freak he saw looking back at him. He inched closer and despite my nerves, my legs tingled when I felt his breath on my mouth as he said, “If you make me push that button, the deal’s off.”
“Fine…deal’s off…do it. Now!”
He released his hands from my face then stood in front of the buttons, crossing his arms. He shook his head vehemently. “No.”
“Jake…push the button.”
“No. You’d be back at square one. You have to get over this, and the only way is to experience it. I’m not letting you give up that easily.”