I raised my neck to peek into the bags. “What did you buy?”
He shooed me away. “Just some supplies we’ll need.”
“Great,” I said sarcastically.
Jake took the bags to his room while I waited on the couch. He reemerged with a large black backpack.
“Let’s go, Nina. You ready?”
I got up and swallowed. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”
Another wave of nausea came when we hit the pavement of the sidewalk, and I knew there was no turning back.
To make matters worse, Mrs. Ballsworthy was at the window watching us, and when I looked up at her, she gave me the dirtiest look before shutting it. That was all I needed right now. Jake hadn’t noticed, so I didn’t mention it.
I could feel him looking at me as I stared down at the ground while we walked together, our steps in synch. At one point, he stopped walking, and I turned around to face him.
“Why did you stop? I asked.
He approached me and put both of his hands on my shoulders. I shivered at the unexpected contact, and as we stood on the street corner, he looked into my eyes intently.
“Nina, I can tell you’re going through all these little scenarios in your head right now. It’s not helping. The only thing that is ever happening to you is what is happening in the moment, not all of the disastrous possibilities in your mind. So, cut the shit, okay? I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”
While I didn’t like the tone of his voice, the last part gave me some comfort.
We continued walking until we came across what I believed was our destination: DeKalb Avenue subway station. I was honestly relieved that he had chosen the subway as my exercise, since it was the lesser of the evils. Nevertheless, I wanted to stall.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
He lifted his arms and smiled. “Manhattan, baby!”
“That’s it? How long is the ride?”
“Not long, but I didn’t calculate it.” Jake walked a few steps down into the station as I stood on the sidewalk above. He turned around and stared up at me.
My pulse quickened, and I closed my eyes unsure of what to do next. My mind flashed images of being stuck like a sardine in that tin can. When I opened my eyes, he was still standing in the same spot. His large green eyes lit up from the darkness of the stairwell.
He was so beautiful. I just couldn’t move, though.
He stood there patiently on the steps waiting for me to come down. I was frozen. Finally, he lifted his hand toward me and silently urged me with his steady gaze to walk down and take it.
“Nina, come on. I’ve got you,” he finally said.
At that moment, something clicked, and I moved toward him. His warm hand enveloped mine, and our fingers intertwined. His thumb ring pressed against my skin as he held my hand tightly and led me down the stairwell, which smelled of urine.
If I weren’t so terrified of acting like a complete lunatic on the train, this moment would have been epic. It was a mixed bag of emotions with fear and lust shining above all. My body was trembling in confusion.
I felt a sudden coldness as Jake let go of my hand to pay for our subway cards.
He thanked the subway worker and surprised me when he grabbed my hand again. The butterflies in my stomach were now doing somersaults as he led me through the turnstiles.
We sat down on a bench as we waited for the train to arrive. Disappointingly, he let go of my hand.
Then, he patted my back. “You’re doing okay so far.”
“Yeah,” I managed to say as I continued to breathe heavily. I kept nodding for no reason and wished the train would just hurry up and get there.
The B train finally approached and grinded to a screeching halt. He took my hand again and led me onto the crowded train car, which was bustling with evening commuters.
There were no seats, which didn’t matter to me. I preferred to stand, since that made for an easier exit if I ever had to leap out at the next stop.
When the train doors closed, the panic really began to set in. I felt completely trapped and began to shake uncontrollably.
Jake put both of his hands on my trembling arms causing my conflicting emotions to assault one another. Lust was winning by a thread. “It’s okay to feel nervous, Nina. You’re not supposed to be comfortable. Stop trying to fight it and just let those feelings be there.”
When he let go of me, my body craved the return of his touch. I just wanted him to hold me until this disastrous feeling passed or until we got out of that train car. Trying to calm myself, I focused on a baby who was sitting on her mother. If she could do this, I could. She smiled at me, and I smiled back.
He was looking at me, but my shame kept me from making eye contact. I was still shivering while holding onto a pole. It was difficult to accept the uncomfortable feelings instead of fighting them. The train swayed, and I couldn’t tell if it was the normal movement of the vessel or my skewed perception due to nerves.