Jake Undone(109)

Every single day of those two months, I felt like I was losing her more. We were supposed to be happy because we finally had everything we wanted, right? The baby was healthy. The divorce was final. But that was when everything started to crumble. I wanted the old Nina back, and these past few days were the first in weeks that I started to believe she was slowly returning to me.

On the car ride from Jersey to the hotel, I started thinking about maybe proposing to her again tonight. I knew she could tell something was off with me from the way she was looking at me in the hotel elevator. My doubts had gotten the best of me. I had myself convinced she’d only say no again and couldn’t bear to hear it one more time. Not to mention, I vowed never to ask her again. So, I made a decision to hold off, and that put me in a shitty mood because I wanted nothing more than to hear Nina say she’d be my wife. I wanted it for A.J., but mostly on a selfish level, I needed to know that she belonged to me in every way.

Just when my mind had calmed down a bit from overthinking everything, she came out of that shower gripping her towel closed so tightly you would have thought I was a grizzly bear. That was when I cracked because it felt like a major step back, like any minute she was going to be telling me not to touch her again.

That would have killed me.

When I saw how badly she seemed to want me, I knew I had overreacted. But by that time, my desperation for her was so strong, I had to just take a step backwards and cool down. If I gave in to that kind of sexual energy, fueled by anger and frustration, I knew I would have been too aggressive. Given how vulnerable she was lately, I needed to get a grip before I scared her away for good.

When I got out of the shower, she was still in the other room feeding A.J., and I was sitting on the bed, staring at the closed door, thinking that I wouldn’t have blamed her if she never came back out. I could only imagine what she was thinking now that she had time to ponder my fucked up behavior.

When the door opened about ten minutes later, it had felt like I had been waiting forever. I sat up straighter on the bed as she walked toward me, and without hesitation, she unbuttoned her pajama top throwing it on the ground. She then slipped out of her underwear and threw them behind her. She was now standing before me completely naked. It took all of my willpower not to touch her, but something told me to wait, that she was in the driver’s seat.

Her chest was rising, and I could tell she was still uncomfortable with her body being exposed, but she was going with it…for me.

I caressed her milky skin with the back of my hand. “I just got scared, baby. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize for something I created. I did that to you, Jake. I lost my way because of my crazy hormones, and in the midst of it, I forgot the most important thing: that I belong to you and that nothing is more important than making sure you know you’re loved by me. I will never treat you that way again.”

“I was being insecure and impatient. You couldn’t help it. You were sick. I—”

“I handled it wrong. I ran away from you instead of toward you. I made you insecure about us. Your reaction to my covering myself tonight…it didn’t upset me; it’s proof of how much you love me.” She looked away almost hesitant to continue, then said, “You know what? I have insecurities, too. Since, we’re being honest…I hate that I have to give you up to Ivy on Saturdays. I get jealous. I never tell you that, because you’re doing the right thing, and it’s hard enough for you. Even though I know you don’t love her the same way, it still makes me uneasy because I don’t want to share you. I know how desperate my love for you can make me feel sometimes. So, that’s how I know that your reaction today was just because of how much you love me.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I was bursting at the seams in more ways than one. She was still standing over me when I pulled her naked body toward me. She straddled me as I continued to sit up on the edge of the bed. I had already been hard from just looking at her, but now that she was on top of me, I was about to explode.

My head was down, buried in her golden hair that smelled like the coconut hotel shampoo. I spoke over her skin. “Of all the times I thought I had lost you, nothing has been scarier than the past couple of months. I am still fucking terrified you’re gonna tell me any minute not to touch you again.”

“That wasn’t really me, Jake. Look at me.” She put both of her hands on my head and lifted my face to hers. Her eyes were watery. “I am feeling better. This…is me. Coming out of a depression in some ways is like being born again into a better life. If you can make it through the worst, you appreciate everything you hold dear, so much more. It’s like the sun after a rainstorm. I can’t promise that the darkness won’t ever strike again, but I know how to identify it now and learned how to handle it. One thing I am sure of, is that I will never push you away like that again…ever. You and A.J. are my world. I am sorry if I made you suffer along with me.”