Nina’s face was turning white.
I shook my head. “What does that mean?”
“It means that the placenta is covering the cervix. The majority of these cases correct themselves in time. However, if it does not, it becomes very serious and can cause excessive bleeding during delivery, putting the mother and baby at risk. In your case, I’m a little concerned because of the amount of bleeding you’ve already experienced so early on in conjunction with this condition. I think the best course of action is going to be bed rest until we can see an improvement.”
Once again, life as I knew it changed in an instant. The doctor continued talking to Nina about the precautions she would need to take. It felt like my heart was pounding through my head. The conversation was muffled because I couldn’t focus on anything but the image of our baby still on the screen, unable to take my eyes off of it. Everything else faded into the distance. When the monitor went to black, I wasn’t able to let it go.
“Can I listen to the heartbeat one more time?”
The technician repositioned the instrument, and the swooshing sound returned. It was pure music to my ears. There was no doubt that I would give my own life if it meant this baby would survive. I never understood how people could say stuff like that and honestly mean it…until this very moment. It was instant, unbridled love, along with a helpless fear that shook me to my core, because I had absolutely no control.
I can’t lose you.
I closed my eyes and listened to the heartbeat one last time before they took the machine away. I never wanted to forget the sound that would replay in my mind over and over, from this day forward, becoming the soundtrack of my life.
CHAPTER 30
NINA
ONE YEAR LATER
I dreaded Saturday because that was the day he always went to see her. I tried really hard not to feel bitter and always smiled when he left, but some days were harder than others. He was only doing what was right, and he shouldn’t have had to feel bad about it. I knew what I was getting into when I made the decision to be with him; she was always going to be part of the deal.
It helped a little that I knew in my heart that he would have much rather stayed home. It was written all over his face and I could feel it in the intensity of the last kiss he’d give me before he’d walk out the door. But it was impossible to love him like crazy and not feel some jealousy over his spending time with his ex-wife. It wasn’t like he was visiting a sister. This was someone he had loved and made love to, even if it was a long time ago. She had experienced some of the same things I had with him and that made me uneasy.
At the same time, I felt sorry for her, because I couldn’t imagine being in her shoes, having to see Jake week after week, knowing that his heart belonged to someone else. She couldn’t have possibly loved him as much as I did, because I could never handle that. Maybe her mind was so far gone sometimes, that it didn’t bother her as much as it should have. I had never met her, probably never would…but I did feel for her.
This arrangement was a little easier, now that we lived in Boston. We have been temporarily staying in the guest room at his sister’s house until we could find an apartment. Jake was finally able to find a job worth leaving New York for. Being here certainly made Saturdays less painful because it meant I would never have to go twenty-four hours without him again. I knew that when he went to see her, he would be back with me by early evening and in my bed at night.
The ironic thing was, as much as his going to her bothered me…it made me love him even more. It showed me how deeply devoted he was to the people he cared about, and it was proof he would treat me the same. Some of the stories he had told me—what Ivy had said and done to him over the years when she wasn’t in her right mind—were horrifying, which made his unwavering dedication even more remarkable.
Lately, the routine was the same every Saturday. He would get up, shower, we’d have breakfast together, and then he would leave for the day to go see her. Today, that pattern was going to be broken, because I wasn’t ready to share him.
Jake was sitting up at the edge of our bed, about to get up. His hair was getting longer and was sticking out in all directions. He hadn’t shaved in a few days and was sporting a five o’clock shadow. Some might call it messy, but to me, he looked hot as hell, better than ever. I had the perfect view of the tribal tattoo on the side of his torso, the one that always teased me. His skin was more tan than usual from working out in the yard, payment to his sister for letting us live here for the time being. My attraction to him had only grown stronger over time, but lately I had been depressed, stuck inside my own head, self-conscious and had stopped giving him what he needed. Right now, though, I was seeing things very clearly, almost too much so, feeling possessive and wanting him to make love to me more than anything. It felt like my mind was coming out of a fog. It had been a while since I had really showed him how much I wanted him. I was not going to let him leave here with any shred of doubt about that.