I knew with absolute certainty that if I made him choose between us, he’d choose me. He’d even admitted that. But making such a demand wouldn’t really remove the situation. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I had to watch him suffer the guilt of abandoning her. He’d beat himself up over it. You just don’t put someone you love in a position like that. The situation with Ivy existed before I ever came into the picture, and it was essentially a part of him. I loved him and had to accept all parts of him—good, bad and ugly.
Most of the time, I was confident enough in his love for me to not let the existence of Ivy get to me. But occasionally, when in a certain mood, I would become angry and resentful that we couldn’t just be a normal family without having to live in the shadow of an ex-wife with mental issues.
I never wanted to meet her.
I was terrified she’d be prettier than me or that I’d find out she really wasn’t that incapacitated. Most of the time, I was able to compartmentalize all of that insecurity.
Most of the time.
Tonight was not one of those times. My whacky hormones were making me particularly insecure and out of sorts. After dumping the remainder of my tea into the sink, I grabbed the paper CVS bag and took it to the bathroom located off of our bedroom.
It wasn’t necessary to read the directions because I’d done this far too many times to count. I took the first test out and peed on it before repositioning the clear cover over the stick as directed.
Five minutes.
The snow was blowing around outside in horizontal bands. Cars that were uncovered on my way inside were now coated in white. Jake was supposed to be home in an hour. I hoped he didn’t get stuck on the highway in storm traffic.
Returning to the living room, I covered myself with a knitted throw and tried to focus on the parenting magazine while the early evening weather forecast played in the background.
The phone rang, and Jake’s name flashed on the caller i.d.
I picked up. “Please tell me you’re not stuck in traffic.”
“Hey, baby. I’m off of the highway now, but listen…I have to go to Ivy’s tonight.”
That news rattled me. “What?”
“I got a call from the group home, and she had some kind of an episode. I told them I’d go check on things tonight. But this means I won’t have to go tomorrow, okay? We’ll have tomorrow free. A.J. will still be at my mother’s. The weather will be better, and we can go out.”
I sulked. I was really missing him today. “Alright, I guess.”
“Are you okay? I know this sucks ass.”
“What time will you be home tonight?”
“As soon as I can. I promise.”
“Okay.”
“Nina. Be ready for me tonight. I’m horny as hell.”
“You’re always horny.”
“Seriously…you know what I’ve been thinking about all day? I’ve had this fantasy running through my head. I almost got hard in the middle of a fucking meeting today.”
“Tell me about your fantasy.”
“I want to move the couch cushions onto the ground and put them right in front of the electric fireplace. I want you naked and down on all fours in front of the fire with your ass sticking up in the air. Then, I want to fuck you from behind like that with the heat blazing on us while it snows outside. What do you think?”
“I think I want you to come home right now. Just get here as soon as you can after Ivy’s.”
“I love you, baby. Thank you for understanding.”
“I love you, too.”
I kept the phone at my ear even though he’d hung up. I was disappointed for sure, but I understood. At least, we’d have a rare Saturday together tomorrow.
The five minutes had long expired, but I was dilly-dallying, pretending to read an article on home schooling. Now that Jake wasn’t coming home anytime soon, the thought of being alone, wallowing in the results of another disappointing test seemed dreadful.
After several minutes, I threw the magazine aside, forced myself up and walked into my dark bedroom.
The door to the bathroom creaked as I slowly turned the knob. I took a deep breath and shut my eyelids tightly before looking at the test.
I opened my eyes to two pink lines.
Holding the three positive sticks in my hand, I paced the bedroom unsure of what to do with myself. I’d taken the other tests in the kit just to be sure. I was most definitely pregnant.
Bursting with excitement, I jumped up and down and waved my hands in the air, feeling like a fool. It seemed surreal after all this time. I had seriously given up all hope. Jake and I were very sexually active, so to not get knocked up even once in over seven years made me certain there was a real problem.