I let my gaze wander around the porch, and the moment it landed on Olivia, my chest ached heavily. The sweet girl had already lost so much, and now she had another loss to bear. Her gorgeous blue eyes were highlighted by glossy tears. Red and swollen, her lower lip trembled as she attempted to hold it together. Amber sat at her side, holding her hand, offering comfort.
Olivia looked up, and her eyes met mine. She forced a smile, and damn if it didn’t make me feel nauseous. Too many memories came back all at once, along with the raw, exposed feeling of loss. Yes, the circumstances were different, but the outcome was the same. We were both learning to live a life without someone we loved being a part of it.
On my way to Gabe’s apartment that day, I told myself I had allowed him enough time to regroup. He’d been home from his deployment to Afghanistan for a few weeks, and it was time for him to rejoin society. I planned to force him to go to Lake Michigan for the day with a group of our friends who had decided to make a day of it. If he refused, I had a bag of chick flicks I would force him to watch.
When I found him hanging from the beam that separated his kitchen and living room, I was shaken to my very core. Gabe had always been my hero, the big brother that kept me safely tucked at his side, shielding me from all harm. We were always so close, and we’d shared a lot of the same interests and dreams. His death broke something inside of me. Something I knew would never fully heal.
Today brought back so many memories of that dark time. My world had fallen apart in the blink of an eye. Not only had I lost my brother that day, but my once-loving family became cold and angry. My father blamed my mother, and in turn she blamed him. Neither of them wanted to admit we’d all missed the signs. We all thought Gabe needed time to heal from what he’d been through in the war, when in reality he needed us to save him. We’d all failed him, and in the end, the world lost an amazing man.
“You okay?” Amber asked as she placed her hand on my shoulder. I hadn’t even realized I was crying. This entire day brought back so many feelings I wasn’t prepared for, including that deep emptiness nothing could fill.
I nodded and wiped away the tears that had escaped. “Yeah,” I whispered hoarsely. “I’m okay.”
I could tell by the look on her face that she didn’t believe a word I had said. Amber knew me too well.
I looked past Amber and noticed Ryan approaching from behind. He wrapped his arm around her waist and placed a gentle kiss on her temple.
“We’re gonna take Jackson for a ride. He needs to clear his head, and being here with all this as a reminder doesn’t seem to be offering any peace,” he said.
I looked back out at the stables and found Jackson still sitting in the same spot, his head hung as his elbows rested against his knees. My heart instantly ached for him.
“Do you wanna take Liv home? Maybe do something to keep her mind busy?” he asked. “Aunt Jeannie is staying with Mom for a few days.”
“Sure,” Amber assured him as she rubbed his arm soothingly before giving him a kiss. “Bailey and I can take her back to the bakery. Spend some time with your brothers. If you need me, just promise me you’ll call.”
“I will, baby,” he whispered before kissing her once more.
My chest tightened as I took in the love they shared. Ryan adored Amber, and I longed to have a man look at me and adore me the way he did her.
After gathering Olivia, we walked to my new Jeep and piled inside. As I backed down the driveway, I looked toward the barn one last time and saw Jackson hunched over at the waist as both his brothers knelt at his sides, consoling him. Watching his grief made me feel so raw inside, as if his pain was my own.
When we arrived back at the bakery, we busied ourselves baking cookies and even slinging batter at one another on occasion to provide Olivia with as much distraction as we could. I too tried to refrain from letting my mind wander, but I couldn’t shake the grief. I may not have known Bill too well, but he was a good man, and he had meant so much to his family that everyone felt their sadness.
Chapter Two
Jackson
I hated feeling helpless. I didn’t like the lack of control or the inability to make the hurt go away. But the ache in my chest and the emptiness my father’s death brought upon me were things I knew I would never get over. I felt hollow. I knew my brothers were only trying to help, but I honestly just wanted to be left alone to grieve. I wasn’t used to showing weakness around others, so it was something I definitely didn’t want to share.
I had tried more than a dozen times to enter the barn, but I just couldn’t do it. Every fucking time I tried, the vision of my father lying helpless on the ground came crashing back. Seeing it the first time was crippling enough; the flashbacks felt a hundred times worse.