Lilac’s voice was filled with joy and warmth as she answered, “I’m glad to hear that, Jason. Is it interesting because of…” She paused. “---a c-certain someone named Keanne?”
Jason almost shot out of his seat, unable to believe that Lilac knew about his Keanne. “Who told you that?” Lilac was not the type to read tabloids, and that had in fact been the reason why she had originally mistaken Jason for his twin Nick.
If she had read the tabloids, Jason contemplated, then things might have happened differently.
She would not have made him fall in love with her, and he would not have known Lilac well enough to fall in love with her.
“…Jason?”
He pushed the disturbing thought away, refocusing on Lilac. “I’m sorry. I was thinking about something.” Outside, early morning sunlight started to rise past the clouds, and a few rays managed to slide into his office, leaving shadows on the carpeted floor.
There was an awkward pause, and then Lilac asked very gently, “Are you…okay?”
The catch in her voice made him grip his phone tightly. Sometimes, he wished Lilac wasn’t so damn nice. If only she would just throw him under the fucking bus or something. Maybe then he could forget her completely. Maybe then he could start thinking about her as his brother’s betrothed.
“I won’t be okay if we stop talking.”
“We won’t ever…s-stop talking.” But the fact that she was already starting to stammer gave away her distress.
Shit…
He had never wanted to be the cause of her distress. All he ever wanted was to be her fucking knight, dammit. “I gotta go---”
“No, p-please!”
Jason stilled.
“Let’s talk…some more. Let’s talk about your Keanne.”
“I don’t want to talk about her,” he said brusquely.
“Yes. Y-you do.” Lilac’s voice became light and teasing again, clearly meant to cajole him out of his bad mood. “I was telling you earlier about how I was reading the news…Nick, you see, was invited to be a keynote speaker…there was media coverage a-and I wanted to create a scrapbook of his…photos. That was when I saw…you. And Keanne.”
Lilac paused again, but this time it wasn’t awkward, and Jason knew she was simply giving herself time to adjust and not stammer.
“She’s beautiful, your Keanne.”
A thread of unease wove around him at the words. Suddenly, it did not feel right to discuss Keanne with Lilac, like it was an act of betrayal that he should know better than to indulge in.
And yet – that couldn’t be, could it?
How was it that talking to Lilac could be a betrayal?
Keanne might be in love with him, but Jason had never returned the words. He did not owe her anything.
“Jason?”
He heard himself saying, “This time, I really have to go. To Keanne. It’s her first day of classes today and I promised I’d drive her to C.U.”
“Oh. Okay.” If a part of him had hoped she would sound jealous, then it was doomed to be disappointed. “Please say hi for me…and Nick.”
His heart twisted. Her…and Nick.
Reid’s words came back to him. She’s not for you.
Keanne’s impassionate cry echoed in his brain. She will never be yours.
He wanted to smash something.
Fuck them all.
They didn’t understand a fucking thing.
They didn’t understand that he knew – that he had always known Lilac wasn’t ever meant to be his.
They didn’t understand that it didn’t matter. Something drew him to Lilac, and even now that invisible cord was strong as ever. Something that might never break…even if it meant loving her from afar for the rest of his life.
****
“You cannot keep doing this.” Nick Christakos’ voice was soft but curt as he gathered Lilac in his arms. He had entered their bedroom, taken one look at her, and knew she had been talking to his twin again.
Her arms wrapped around him as he hauled her into his lap.
“He needs me. You…know that.”
Yes, he fucking knew that. He also knew that he owed his twin a lot, that there was no way he could ever repay Jason’s sacrifice for him. His twin did not have to tell him anything for Nick to know that Jason had given up something precious in order to make sense of the past.
Once upon a time, he had been a broken man, believing only that his childhood love could ever love him. Because he had clung to this belief desperately, he had hurt Lilac endlessly, constantly putting the needs of his former lover above Lilac’s. It was only when Jason discovered the truth about Karla Niall’s betrayal that the veil of deception was torn away from Nick’s eyes.