I shook my head. I just wanted to be alone. Just for a moment I wanted to close my eyes and fantasize that none of this existed and I was in my happy place, my office, working hard. I asked Bulls and Eric to leave me alone, which they understood, but said they would be back later tonight. They both kissed me on the forehead before saying goodbye. I watched as they left, Eric turning around one more time to look at me, a tear trailing down his face before he turned the corner and disappeared.
The hospital ward was busy, the voices carrying up and down the corridor, the faint sound of the radio in the nurse’s station playing. I focused on the sound, I knew what it was, and I closed my eyes trying my hardest not to focus on the lyrics of this one particular song. I wanted to scream at them to turn it off; I didn’t want any reminders that he existed, no sad love song to reiterate how pathetic my life had become.
I pressed repeatedly on the red button, begging them to turn it off. After my outburst, the nurses gave me a mild sedative to help me relax. It wasn’t long before I fell asleep, my body and mind finally resting.
Sometime during the night I felt him. His warmth washed over me. I had to be dreaming. His fingers entwined with mine, that jolt of electricity awakening me but I remained still, closing my eyes. He spoke, like the voice of an angel. But I wasn’t prepared for what he said; I wasn’t prepared for him to know about this baby. And as I attempted to lay perfectly still I began the internal battle of what to do, what to say. I couldn’t do this, not again. There was no strength or will left in me, no fight. I was defeated, beaten down, a shadow of my former self. This journey was no longer one I wanted to take. I needed to destroy him, because if I did then it’d all be over. If I hurt him then he would never return, and then I could go on and do this my way.
Hurt him, Charlie. Hurt him so he will no longer love you, he will no longer come after you. Hurt him so bad that he would wish you didn’t exist. The voice inside was telling me what I needed to do.
So I told him it wasn’t his…
As the words left my mouth, I bit my lip till it bled to stop myself from screaming his name, to stop myself from reaching out for him and begging him to hold me and make all this pain go away. But it was the loss of his touch, the footsteps that disappeared into the night that forced me to come to the realization of what I had just done. The tears rolled down my face and it was déjà fucking vu again, lying in a cold hospital bed for the second time, crying for Alexander Edwards…
August 2005
I sat perfectly still; this feeling of being so insignificant overwhelmed me. Around me it was chaos, people rushing to board their planes, others brimming with happiness as they welcomed family and friends. Then there were those waiting to say goodbye, with tears and hugs, some trying to remain brave, but like most people, it only got you so far. But even amongst all that chaos, there were others that sat just like me. Headphones in place, drowning in their fate, their destination.
“Charlie, you don’t have to do this. Who cares what people think? If they got a problem then tell them to become good friends with my fist.”
The battle had been fought. I had lost and had no fight left in me.
“I deserve it, Logan. What on Earth was I thinking?”
“You weren’t thinking. You were infatuated with him. Okay so what, he’s a college major in medicine, c’mon Charlie you could have anyone you want. He’s married…”
“You don’t think I know that? Logan – I didn’t choose this…I mean it was my choice in the end but it was impossible to push aside how I felt about him and I thought he felt that way too…”
“Charlie, he’s a guy, he thinks only with his dick.”
“No…that’s not true. What about you?”
“Well, I was thinking about my dick when we had sex…yes I know, even though my dick couldn’t follow directions for shit.”
I laughed, for the first time in a month, and it intensified to the point that people with their headphones turned around to look at me, but I couldn’t stop. It was the relief I needed and Logan just sat there looking at me, slightly amused and slightly offended by my ability to laugh so much at his pathetic dick.
“Gee, Charlie…I know it wasn’t great but OUCH,” he complained.
“I’m sorry…” I laughed harder. “I was remembering when you were looking for the hole…”
“Oh c’mon, Charlie, it happens to the best of us…”
“…and you were like, are you sure this is your vagina!” I roared.
His grin widened and uncontrollably his shoulders moved, his laugh barreling out as he remembered the moment. “Well, I didn’t think our first time should be doing it back door…Jesus, Charlie, I was hopeless. If it’s any consolation, I have gotten better, much better,” he said with a wiggle of his eyebrows.