“Well sweetie, it’s quite simple. You got caught up in the hot sex and forgot about Mr. Jizzy and his million buddies.”
“Bulls, I married him.”
“What?” She raised her voice, her eyes wide in shock.
“That last night in the Hamptons, we got married. Don’t ask me how he pulled it off, I still don’t know but it happened. He kept asking me to marry him and he took me to the house. Outside in the gazebo, the man, he performed the ceremony.”
“Are you fucking with me? You married Lex? You are Mrs. Edwards?”
“Please don’t tell anyone. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“So you are married to Lex and this may be Julian’s baby? My God, Charlie. It’s like Melrose place.” She shook her head, muttering something to herself.
I don't know how long I sat there, numb, unable to process how fucking foolish I felt for being caught up in all this. I didn’t cry, not one single tear had been shed since my breakdown in the drug store. Maybe I should have, I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I was unable to feel the pain now. Like I had some sort of shield. Staring blankly at the tests, it was hours later when I spoke again.
“Bulls, you need to get back to Will.” It was all I could think of. She had a family that needed her, her son needed her, her husband needed her. Family. Why did that word frighten me to the core?
“Charlie.” She spoke softly, moving a loose strand of hair away from my face and tucking it behind my ear. “They are fine. Do you want me to make you something to eat?”
I laughed out loud, very loud, unable to stop, hysteria finally taking over. The tears of laughter rolled down my face. Bulls couldn’t cook to save her life; the irony wasn’t lost on me even in the state I was in. She laughed along with me and minutes later we both sat there trying to catch our breath.
“Okay, so can I order you something to eat? Charlie, you need to eat, whether you like it or not, it’s not just you that you need to take care of now.”
Of course I knew that. The memories came flooding back to me, the pain now overpowering as the tears that left my eyes were tears of sadness. I couldn’t stop sobbing uncontrollably as the fear set in. I couldn’t be a mother; I couldn’t carry this baby inside me. I couldn’t face that, not alone. Bulls held onto me and sometime during the night I fell asleep curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor.
I awoke the next morning on the floor, a pillow under my head and my grandmother’s knitted blanket covering me. I sat up, quickly searching the room, but it was empty. Wait, did I dream all this?! My body ached as I took in my surroundings. I had slept on the bathroom floor which only meant one thing, I really was pregnant. I heard the click of Bulls heels on my floorboards. She was dressed, ready for work. She must have gone home sometime in the night. She handed me a mug. Thank God, I needed coffee. Taking a sip, I scowled as the taste of tea lingered in my mouth.
“Don’t look at me that way. No more coffee for you.”
“Bulls, a cup won’t hurt.”
“No it won’t, but you don’t know how to drink only one cup a day. Listen, I have the Henderson Court meeting in an hour. Will you be okay? You know I wouldn’t leave but I’ve been working on this case for months.”
“Of course I understand. I’ll just get changed and see you in the office later.”
“Look, I’d rather you rested but I get it. You need the distraction. Just promise me if you feel ill you’ll go home right away? I’ll have my people watching you so don’t try to be a hero today.”
I nodded. Bulls grabbed her briefcase and made her way towards the door, but before she opened it she turned around one last time.
“Charlie, you’ll always have us. Rocky, myself and Will. We are your family. Even when you have lost hope and think you are walking through this pain alone, remember that we are here for you no matter what you decide.”
I smiled the tiniest of smiles that I could muster up. As she closed the door I sunk back onto the floor, my tears falling without my permission. The walls felt like they were closing in, the roof caving. I had to do everything I could to find the strength to just get through this one day, and maybe tomorrow I could start answering the questions that plagued me.
…
As I stepped into the office later that day, I felt different. The confidence that I usually carried with me was shattered. Instead I carried this burden, this thing, this… I couldn’t even bring myself to say the word. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I could this… Do what? Carry on with work or raise this…again that word. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, like they all knew. In a self-conscious move I scanned my stomach; impossible, I was only, what, a few weeks along? Fuck, I didn’t even know. I would have to get scans, hear the heartbeat. No…not now…not here at work.