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Into the Light(27)

By:Kat T. Masen


It was the second night I cried myself to sleep.

I spent the majority of the week with Will, taking him to school, picking him up from school. Taking him to the park, museum and library, practically visiting every part of New York. Bulls encouraged me to take the week off since my cases were quiet, and I gladly welcomed the break.

I couldn’t shake how ill I felt. I barely slept, waking up in hot and cold sweats. The vomiting hadn’t stopped so I narrowed it down to Will’s bug. I was sent home by Bulls faster than you could say ‘vomit bug’. That was Monday. By Tuesday I was told to not even step foot in the office. I hated being home alone. It gave me too much time to think. By Wednesday I had gone insane and I didn’t feel any better. I dragged my ass to the drug store to buy whatever I could to stop this. I waited for the pharmacist who was busy talking to a lady who looked like she was about to pop out an elephant. I half smiled at her as she rubbed her belly and complained to the pharmacist about the terrible heartburn she was having. I wasn’t really listening to her but something about her, I just couldn’t look away. Despite her complaint her face glowed; her long red hair had that shine, the one they always say pregnant ladies have. Her loose dress sat comfortably over her stomach and of course her ankles were as swollen as tree trunks. She looked beautiful…and then it hit me like a ton of bricks laced with acid.

My period…

In a panic I scrolled through my phone unable to locate my calendar. My hands shook as I fumbled through the apps, finally locating it. I went back through the months; I got my period like I normally would but my shot…SHIT. Unable to calm down, I searched in panic and there it was, the reminder to get my shot over a month ago.

“Miss, can I help you?”

Staring blankly into her face, I knew I would be lying if I smiled and said everything was okay. I didn’t need help, not when I knew why I was feeling so off. Without warning I fell to the floor vomiting as I cried. A scurry of assistants came to my side with a bucket and cold towel. The voices surrounded me but my body shook, the heaving persistent. Gasping for air I struggled to breathe, another person handing me a paper bag. I took it from her, placing it on my mouth and sucking in the air. I was having a panic attack. In the midst of this breakdown I motioned for my cell. Shaking hands scrolling through the screen, my vision blurred, I found Bulls number. I dialed it and passed it onto the lady beside me. I don’t know how long I was there for, not until I heard that familiar voice that told everyone to back the fuck up.

An hour later I sat on my bathroom floor beside Bulls in a catatonic state staring at the five pregnancy tests, all a different brand, all laying side by side marked with the two blue lines that had decided my fate.

“Charlie. Five tests can’t be wrong. They’re all positive.”

I sat in silence. Not even blinking as I watched, hoping for a miracle that the lines all became one. Just one line. My vision clouded, why was this happening? The lines were staring me in the face, nothing could make them change. Closing my eyes I prayed that this was some awful dream and at any moment I would wake up and everything would be back to normal, but minutes later I opened them, the reality a huge slap in the face still staring at me. Bulls shifted closer to me, placing her arm around me, pulling me into her.

“Look girl, I’m sorry but I gotta ask. Whose?”

Turning to face her, I searched her eyes for any sort of judgment. She was my best friend and if anyone understood it would be Bulls. I closed my eyes again, remembering the past few months. Who I fucked, where I fucked, when I fucked, and what the fuck did I use? I rambled through my thoughts which were causing my head to ache, a migraine imminent. Condoms… I used condoms… I gave head… He fucked me in the ass. My body sunk and the weight of my actions caused me to shake again; any self-respect I had for myself disappeared along with my dignity. I was a whore... slut... whatever you want to call it. I said the names to myself, my head screaming on repeat.

“Bulls… I don’t know.”

“Oh girl, it’ll be okay. Look at Will. Rocky and I couldn’t have been in a worse situation but we made it work and look at him. My life wouldn’t exist without him.”

“But you had Rocky.”

“Yes, I know, but why on Earth would the father not want to be part of his baby’s life?”

“Because it’s all too complicated. Bulls, I can’t do this… I can’t be a single mom and have to look at this child every day and see the face of its father. I don’t understand how this happened.” It wasn’t a question, because no matter how it was answered it wouldn’t erase anything.