I slam the Rhett Miller door of my brain shut and focus on just moving my legs and trying not to die. It's fortunate that running takes most of my focus, but once I get into the swing of things, my mind drifts back to Rhett. How he smells. The way he blinks when he wakes up. The sounds he makes in his sleep.
I really need to stop thinking about those things. Because they make my heart ache and a lot of other places ache.
Somehow I get through the run and decide, yes, I am DEFINITELY taking the day off. Full stop. The end. I have some bath bombs and a new season of a trashy TV show calling my name. I feel a tiny bit guilty about it, but fuck it.
"I'll see you at practice," I tell Tobi as I shove all my stuff in my bag and head out.
"Okaaaay," she says, giving me a wink. I resist the urge to give her the finger.
* * *
A few hours later I'm in my tub, my fingers are pruney, and I have soothing piano music playing in my bathroom. Ahhhh.
And of course my brain is torturing me. I keep thinking about Rhett smiling and laughing and going down on me and cooking and breathing and he's just . . .
Somehow I can't remember a time before him. BR. Before Rhett. Obviously I know that I lived for twenty years without him, but it all seems a little fuzzy. I've definitely laughed and cried more since I met him. Maybe that's a good thing? I don't know. I don't know if this thing with Rhett is good or bad. I only know that it IS. It is and it's . . . it's everything.
I groan and lay my head back on the rim of the tub, closing my eyes.
Why? Why did he have to fall into my life now? I had my plan and my mission and I don't need him. I don't need this.
Or maybe I did. Maybe the universe dropped what I need into my life. Or who I need, I should say.
I definitely have some serious feelings about Rhett, and it's idiotic to deny them now. But how strong are they? I mean, what do I really think is going to happen? That we're going to date and get married and have babies and be an adorable little flannel-wearing family?
No. That's . . . no.
But my brain grabs onto the idea of being with Rhett. Being with him for a long time. Seeing his hair slowly gray at the temples. Watching him get more and more attractive as the years go by. Being held by him not for hours, but years and decades. Being safe.
With Rhett things are . . . both quiet and loud at the same time. He reaches parts of me that I don't show to other people. He touches things inside me that no one has.
"What the fuck," I say to myself as my eyes pop open.
I have some serious, serious feelings for Rhett and this might turn into a disaster.
* * *
Rhett is quiet at practice, and for one of the first times ever, he seems preoccupied.
"What is up with you?" I say after he drops me for the second time doing an easy stunt.
"Nothing," he says, giving me a smile, but I know him too well to believe it. I still get weak in the knees, but something is up. I jab him in the ribs and he winces.
"What is up with you, Rhett Miller? I'm not taking my clothes off for you until you tell me." I say it low so no one else will hear, but of course Tobi does and winks at me. I wave at her to tell her to mind her own business. She huffs and turns around, pretending to give us privacy.
"Will you go on a date with me this weekend? On Sunday? We could have brunch. Not in either of our houses." We've talked about going out, but we usually want to have sex so much that it's mostly impossible. I mean, I suppose we could always use one of our vehicles, but I'm not a big fan of backseat sex.
"So you won't be cooking?" I ask. He shakes his head. "I don't know about that."
"I'll pay."
I don't hesitate.
"Deal."
He gives me another odd smile and then adds a thumbs up.
"Dork," I say, reaching up to mess with his hair.
"You like it." I sigh.
"I do," I say before I can stop myself. Now I get a legit smile.
"You definitely like it."
"Shut up."
* * *
I feel super shitty at the game on Saturday. I almost fall out of my bow and arrow and end up having to do a single twist dismount a few counts early so I don't come down altogether.
"You okay?" Rhett asks before he sets me down.
"Yeah," I say breathlessly. I don't know what's up with me. Maybe I'm coming down with a cold. That's probably it. I haven't had a cold in a while so it seems like I'm due for it. I'll have to dose myself up when I get home.
"Sorry about that," I say to Rhett as we're walking to our vehicles. Tobi has already bolted since she's got a huge exam next week and is running on pure Red Bull. I feel like I haven't talked or hung out with her in ages, but we've both been . . . busy.
"No worries," he says. "Shit happens."
"Yes, it does," I say with a sigh.