"Maybe. And . . . and maybe we can do some other things too. Outside of cheer and everything." Her face is a little red and she's being so cute about everything that I want to kiss her, but that's actually the last thing I should do right now that she's decided to start letting me in.
"But. I have things that I need to do and that I can't be distracted from. So if that starts happening, we'll have to tone it down. Okay?" I'm not so on board with that parameter, and I'm wondering what she needs to do that I might derail her from doing. She's handling school and cheer and did so before me. But maybe she thinks that I'd cut into her study time. I don't know. But I definitely don't want to do that. This is probably the worst timing for both of us, but I'm not thinking about that right now.
"Okay," I say, sticking my hand out. She reluctantly shakes mine and we have that moment again, where everything pauses and I think she's going to lean in and kiss me. But she shakes her head and drops my hand.
"We're not dating. We're hanging out. As friends. That's it." I nod. Fine with me. For now. That one kiss notwithstanding.
"You're fine with that?" she asks.
"Yup," I say, moving around her to rinse my plate off. If I don't hurry, I'm going to be late for work.
"Oh." I guess she prepared herself for the possibility that I'd push for all or nothing. Well, I'm not that guy.
"Listen, it's fine. We'll just be friends. No pressure. Whatever happens, happens." I rinse off my plate and put it in the dish drainer.
"Sure," she says and I sense that she wants to say more, but an alarm goes off on her phone.
"Shit, I have to go. I'll see you later?" She dashes toward the door and grabs her coat off the hook.
"See you later," I say, but she's already out the door.
10
Freya
Yeah, so I said I was going to cut myself off from him, but then I had another thought. What if I let myself hang out with him? Gave in and stopped trying to tell myself not to. Maybe then I might be able to shove him aside in my brain. Or I might find something about him that I didn't like so he would stop being such a paragon of male perfection.
Giving in to a craving so that I don't binge later. Ugh, I have no idea what bingeing on Rhett would look like, but it would probably involve nudity.
Yeah, let's not think about that, Freya.
After I leave Rhett's I still have a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I do feel a little better about what's happening with him. Now I can stop obsessing and focus on the shit I need to focus on. My schoolwork hasn't been slipping, but I haven't been putting as much into it as I should.
I'm going to do better. I'm going to do better at everything.
And I'm going to find her.
I will.
* * *
My plan to get my shit together lasts about three days until Rhett asks me if I want to come over for dinner after practice. He's been pretty much the same as before. Still flirty, still always lurking in the corner of my vision. Still giving me that smile that turns my knees into liquid.
I'm also not having any luck with searching further for my birth mom. I have a Skype session with Mia, and she asks me what's going on. I don't want to tell her about my dismal failure to do the one thing I came here to do. So I blather on about Rhett to distract her, but it doesn't work.
"Are you doing okay? Really? Mom has been next to impossible lately, asking me for details about you. I wish you'd let me tell her." I groan. Why does everything have to be so complicated?
"I'm fine," I say, but that's the wrong thing to say. No one says they're fine when they're fine. People only say they're fine when they want other people to think they are.
I take a breath. "I'm okay. I swear. Everything's going well. I'm doing good in my classes and cheer is . . . well it's not the same, but there's a chance for this squad to start from the bottom and grow into something. I'm okay, Mia." She's silent for a while and then sighs.
"I don't want you to be okay. I want you to be amazing. I want you to have everything you deserve. You were happy here and you just up and left. And you don't seem happy there. I just . . . I don't get it and I miss you. You can come back here and we'll work things out. You know that my parents will support you or rob a bank or do anything to get you back in school and back on the squad. I wish you'd come home." Her voice cracks on the last few words, and I realize she's crying.
Shit. I miss her too. So much.
Now we're both crying and telling the other one not to cry and it's a big mess. I have to get up and grab some tissues and come back. Mia's blowing her nose and wiping her eyes.
"I know it doesn't make sense to you and I know I'm being difficult, but I need to do this. I have to look for her and I can't be back in Texas. It just reminds me of my parents, and it's like having my entire shitty childhood shoved in my face all the time. It's just too hard, Mia." She sniffs and nods.