Now I wonder if they regret it. I'm sure they do. I wasn't the child they wanted, but they obviously never tried to find another, better kid to focus their energy on. Instead they just . . . pretended I didn't exist. Pretended I was a piece of furniture in their tidy lives that they couldn't get rid of but had to put up with being constantly in the way.
I never fit into their lives, and it was easier than I thought to remove myself. Especially when they said they didn't want to support me anymore. I went in search of my birth mother and another life.
Sure, it sounds naive. The dreams of a little girl who someday hopes to live in a castle and ride a unicorn. But is it? What if . . .
Closing my eyes, I slam the folder shut. This is a good distraction from Rhett, but it takes my thoughts into all kinds of dark places that it's hard to come back from. It's time for some comfort food and comfort television.
I grab my phone and scroll through my social media and then cringe at the pictures of the game today where I'm tagged. With Rhett. Because he's the one holding me up. I have my cheer face on and his is one of deep concentration. Still attractive.
"Fuck you," I whisper before tossing my phone to the other side of the couch and turning on my TV. I'm not getting rid of Rhett anytime soon, but if I could stop obsessing about him, that would be great.
* * *
Sunday during cheer season is my main homework day, apart from the hours here and there I get during the week. I load up my bag and head to the library with my laptop. Tobi is going to meet me there. She should have her own section of the library, because she pretty much lives there when she's not sleeping, in class, or at cheer. I'm jealous of her ability to sleep only a few hours a night and still get everything done that she needs to get done.
I had briefly flirted with the idea of going into some type of medical field, but not after seeing what Tobi has to do for homework. It makes my brain ache just hearing about her study schedule. She's going to be a spectacular nurse, though. Sometimes it scares me how smart she is. Makes me feel inadequate in comparison.
She's already been camped out for hours when I arrive at ten, yawning even though I slept for a long time last night. Coach has given us the day off, so I intend to use it wisely.
Tobi barely acknowledges me when I sit down. She's too immersed already and nothing will break her focus. Her glasses make her look even more intimidating than she does already. If the university wanted a picture of the ideal college student, they should take one of Tobi when she's working.
I set up my stuff as quietly as I can and plug my earbuds in so I can drown everything out. Tobi has earplugs in because the sound of my typing annoys her. I asked her if we shouldn't study together anymore, but she just said she'd wear earplugs and went back to her anatomy textbook.
My textbook reading comes first, because I have a tendency to want to fall asleep if I do it later in the day. I'm lost to the turn of pages and the blur of words and the movement of my pen on my notebooks. It's nice to throw myself into something that requires all my attention. Before I know it, hours have passed, and I've knocked out almost a third of my work. And I'm starving. I stand up and stretch my arms and roll my neck. I swear, Tobi is going to have a permanent hunch from all the studying she does. She hates it when I tell her that.
When I sit back down and riffle through my bag for a snack, Tobi pops her earplugs out of her ears.
"Are you hungry? Please say you are. I feel like I haven't eaten in a thousand years and my body is starting to digest my spine. I know that's not medically possible, but that's what it feels like." I snort and agree with her. We pack up our things and head over to the student union for food.
We drop our bags near the entrance and both sigh in relief.
"I know I could get a lot of these as e-books, but I just need the physical books," Tobi says, rolling her shoulders. "And no one can convince me otherwise."
"You're such a Luddite," I say. Some of my books are in e-book form. For some it was cheaper to buy a physical copy and sell it later.
"Shut up," she says, heading straight for the pasta station. I follow right behind her. I need carbs, like, yesterday. We both get spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread and then compromise with salads, but load up our pasta with Parmesan.
"It's all about balance," Tobi says as we take our trays through and swipe our meal cards.
"Exactly. And it's not like we aren't burning off the calories we consume."
"Right," she says, setting down her tray and then going back for a bag of barbecue chips for herself and salt and vinegar for me.