"You should have told us," Holly said quietly, her hand squeezing my leg. "We're your best friends."
"I know," I said, still crying through my words. "And trust me, I wanted to, I just didn't want to hurt anyone."
"Looks like you're the one who got hurt," Becca said.
I shook my head. "Hayes did what was best for his mom, I know that. It was just a crappy situation. But guys, now he's going to school here. I saw him two days ago and I literally lost the ability to form sentences." I let out a soft chuckle thinking about how just the sight of him had rendered me useless.
"What does he want from you?" Holly asked.
I shrugged. "Nothing. He just said he hopes we don't ignore each other if we walk past one another on campus."
Holly looked confused. "And you say you were in love with him? It seems weird that he would drop off the face of the planet and then just show up acting like everything was fine. Were things between you serious?"
"Like, I gave him my virginity serious," I said with a laugh, trying to act like the entire situation wasn't gutting me.
"Wait, what?" Becca asked, pulling away from me with her eyebrows drawn together. "I thought you went to college a virgin."
I shook my head. "No. I lost my virginity in Hayes's college apartment just a few blocks from here."
"Shut. Up." Holly gasped.
"I very nearly lost it in a tent at the Holstater compound that night we had that campout party, remember? Becca opened my tent and he was totally in there, sleeping in his underwear."
"Wow," Becca said quietly. "I can't believe all that happened and you never told us."
"At first I couldn't tell anyone, and then he left and it hurt so badly, I just tried to move on. Telling you guys any of it would have been too painful. But now, oh, my gosh … ." The thought of seeing him walking through campus, holding some woman's hand, having to see him with someone else, it made my stomach roll. "Now I have to see him and pretend like I'm not falling apart all over again."
"So, you're still in love with him?" Holly asked.
I held up my hands and gave a defeated shrug. "I can't help it. There are times I wish I weren't, but it never went away and I'm not sure it ever will." I let out a large sigh. "This is not how I pictured my spring break starting."
"Tell you what," Becca said, standing from the couch with purpose. "We're going to go get lunch, come back here and watch a few chick flicks, and then we're going to go out and get you so drunk, you won't even remember his name."
"Girls' night!" Holly said as she clapped and smiled. I couldn't help but smile back. And the entire plan sounded excellent, so I agreed.
"I'll go put some clothes on."
I had the best friends. Seriously. My love for Becca and Holly only bloomed under their gentle care. They'd spent the entire day trying to make me feel better. They'd fed me, entertained me, and even given me a makeover, determined to take me out and find me some warm body to make me forget about Hayes. I wasn't opposed to their plan. I'd been with a few people since starting college, and all of them were just guys I'd used to fill a void. I never dated anyone and never started a relationship. In fact, one night was the most I'd spent with anyone in three years. I wasn't proud of my track record, but sometimes I was so tired of feeling numb, that any emotion would do. Lust was a perfect distraction, even if it was attached to a person who didn't care if they ever saw me again. At least with those men, I knew the score before the game ever started.
I was four drinks in and we were dancing in a trio in the middle of a club. The music was loud enough I could hardly hear my thoughts about Hayes pinging around my brain. That did not, however, stop my brain from imagining him everywhere. So I closed my eyes.
I wasn't drunk, but I was definitely buzzed. Dancing with my eyes closed made everything sway more, and I had to concentrate even harder on not tipping over, since Holly had convinced me to wear shoes with heels so high it was difficult to walk in them without alcohol in my system.
Suddenly there were hands on my hips and a hard body pressed into my back. My first thought was that perhaps it was Hayes. Maybe he'd found me. But I knew immediately it wasn't him because the hands felt foreign and my body didn't instantly come alive at his touch. My eyes opened to see Becca in front of me, giving me a thumbs-up, mouthing the words "He's cute" at me.
I reached down and placed my hands over his, trying to convince myself that his touch didn't make my brain scream, "He's not Hayes!"
I kept moving to the music and felt him lean forward a bit, his mouth coming to touch the shell of my ear.
"I've been watching you and your friends for a while. You're the hottest girl here and I couldn't understand why you were dancing alone." His fingers gave my waist a squeeze. "What's your name?"
"McKenzie," I said loudly.
His hands suddenly spun me around, which I didn't appreciate since the heels needed a little more thought and practice than he'd allowed. "Hi," he said with a smile. He was cute. But he was all wrong. His hair was too light, his face too round, he wasn't tall enough, and he just wasn't Hayes. "I'm Paul."
"Hi," I said, trying to smile.
"Wanna get out of here?"
I leaned a little closer to him so I didn't have to yell. "I'm here with my friends tonight. Girls' night." I smiled again, but this time it was an apologetic smile, and pointed over my shoulder to Becca and Holly.
"I'm sure they wouldn't mind. They want you to have a good time, right?"
He was cute and a little bit charming, and I imagined that lots of girls would take him up on his offer. Hell, last week I might have. But I knew I couldn't go home with anyone. Not while Hayes was saturating every thought I had.
"Thanks, but I'm going to have to pass." He shrugged with a smile, but then turned and wandered off, perhaps looking for a more willing participant.
Suddenly the noise of the music and the heat of the people all around were too much. I was wobbly and sweaty and I just needed one moment of peace and quiet.
"I'm gonna go on the patio for a minute," I yelled in Holly's ear. "I'll be back in a few."
"Want us to come with you?" she asked, still happily bobbing to the music.
"I'll be all right."
She gave me a thumbs-up and then I went to the bar, waited for a glass of water, then headed for the patio doors. Thankfully, there were only two other people outside and they were huddled together in the far corner, making out.
I took a long drink of my water, knowing I'd thank myself in the morning for it, and I pulled my phone from my pocket. I activated the screen and pulled up my contacts. I thumbed down until Hayes's name was highlighted, and then I paused.
I hadn't called him once since he'd left for Montana and I had no idea if his number was still the same, but I'd been thinking about calling him all day. Not once, in three years, had I called him. But knowing he was in the same town as me made me itch to reach out. I was afraid it could only lead to more heartache, but at that point, everything hurt anyway.
I pressed the call button and held the phone up to my ear, fully expecting to hear an angry stranger yell at me for calling so late, or to be sent to an unfamiliar voice mail.
What I didn't expect was to hear Hayes's voice.
"McKenzie?"
Oh, God. His voice made all the hairs on my arm stand up. It was deep and raspy, like he'd been very close to sleeping when I called. Shit. He knew it was me. Damn cell phones.
"McKenzie, is that you? Are you all right?" He started to sound a little panicked and I hadn't meant that, so I answered.
"Yes, sorry. It's me. I shouldn't have called."
"No, wait, don't hang up. What are you doing?"
I looked around, thinking about making something up, but instead, the truth spilled out. "I'm standing on the patio at a bar. There's a couple dry humping in the corner."
"Are you alone?"
His tone was suddenly protective and the effect it had on me was terrifying. And also really wonderful.
"Holly and Becca are here. They're inside."
There was a silence between us and I wasn't sure what to say. I wasn't even sure why I called him. But I knew I didn't want to hang up.
"Do you guys need a ride home? Is there a designated driver?"
"We'll walk. I live just a few blocks away."
"It's just the three of you?"
"Yeah."
"Shit, Kenz. The three of you can't walk home alone."
"We do it all the time," I said, slightly defensive.
"Well, that makes me feel much better," he said, the sarcasm coming through loud and clear. He let out a breath and then said, "Just let me come walk you guys home. I won't be able to sleep now, knowing you'll be walking home alone. In the dark. Three beautiful college girls. In the middle of the night."
At that point I couldn't help but let out a tiny laugh. He sounded sort of like a grumpy father.
"I don't think they're ready to leave just yet," I said through my laughter.
"Are you ready?"
My breath stalled at his question. Was I ready to see him again? Was I ready to pass up an opportunity to see his face? To walk next to him? To possibly take in his scent or feel the back of his hand brush up against mine?