Part of me feels like I should be the angry one. He’s the one who got drunk and had a bar fight. He’s the one who was helped home by a beautiful, busty, blonde who’s about ten years my junior. He’s the one who fanned the media’s flames surrounding our relationship. We made the cover of every entertainment magazine at the grocery-store checkout line. Nothing makes them happier than proof of the fabricated stories.
But I’m not angry with him. I know why he poisoned himself. I know why he did what he did. The hurt was so deep that he didn’t know how else to deal with it.
That breaks my heart.
Our bedroom is cast in a green glow from Ainsley’s baby monitor. I roll onto my side and watch Colin’s naked chest rise and fall, ensuring that he’s asleep. Only then do I slide against him, pressing my clothed chest against his ribcage. His forehead is relaxed, and I’m pretty certain that my bold move didn’t awaken him. I carefully pick up my hand and place it over his heart, longing to feel his pulse under my palm.
It only rests there for two beats before he removes my hand and places it on my hip. He doesn’t say anything as he turns onto his side, breaking our contact and presenting me with his back. He doesn’t have to. His rejection speaks volumes, making our bedroom air thick with unsaid angst.
I scoot away from him and cling to the edge of the mattress. Tears slide down my cheeks and collect on my pillow, dampening the area around my face. That’s how I eventually fall asleep the second to last night in Camp McKinney Penitentiary.
****
I attend Colin’s game and pretend that everything is perfect between us. Seriously, I deserve an Oscar for my performance. Last night’s rejection was the nail in the coffin. Something has got to change.
Dallas easily clenches the wildcard spot and advances to round one of the playoffs. It was hard watching him on the sidelines. I saw his face full of joy. Colin was laughing and smiling. It was so genuine unlike our fakeness around our family. I even allowed myself to pretend that it was me who made him that happy. That I was the one that he was laughing with instead of Ty.
I dread going home because I know that the happiness will not extend inside the walls of the McMansion. No. Our home is filled with tension, hurt, anger, and sadness.
As we’re filing out of the stadium in a large crowd mixed with all the fans, the smell hits me. And it hits me strong. Someone very near me has on Colin’s cologne. My stomach takes note, and becomes desperately queasy. Pushing through the densely-packed people, I try to escape the smell while still holding my breath.
Jenny is the only one who notices and follows me to the outer edge of the ramp. “You okay?” she asks as she grabs my arm. She’s clearly concerned, which is rather novel.
I carefully let out the breath that I’m holding and open my mouth to inhale. I’m terrified of smelling the cologne again. How humiliating to vomit in a crowd of people. Once I’ve sampled the air and realized that the offending odor is gone, I reply, “That was so weird. Someone had on Colin’s brand of cologne, and it made me sick.”
“You’re pregnant,” is all she says. There’s no excitement or apprehension in her voice. She might as well have said, “There’s pasta in the refrigerator.”
People are pushing around us, but I remain nailed to the cement on the ramps of the Cowboy’s stadium. All the crowd noise fades to silence. I can’t be pregnant. My husband isn’t even speaking to me. Our marriage is hanging on by a thin string as it is. The last thing we need right now is another baby.
I feel my eyes well up with tears, and I beg them to stay at bay. No point crying about this until I know for sure.
On the way home, I stop by a drugstore and am perfectly humiliated to be buying pregnancy tests while I’m flanked by Miguel. He’s so professional, and pretends to ignore my purchases.
Julie, my other sister, is staying with us, and watched Ainsley while we went to the game. Aiden had asked if Amy could be his date to Colin’s game, and it seemed nice that he’d want her there. I love Aiden and Amy together. He’s the wild to her calm. She’s the support that he needs. They have the same life goals. I’d never have set them up, but those two dating is definitely one of the positives that came out of my father’s death.
Julie and Pancho greet me when I walk into the kitchen. I look at Julie and ask her a gigantic favor, using my pleading eyes. “Can you watch Ainsley this evening, and keep both of you upstairs? Colin and I need to have a talk, and it might get pretty loud. If it does, take Ainsley in the movie room and put on something for y’all to watch. I don’t want her to hear us fighting.”