“It wasn’t like that, Colin, I swear. She…” Aiden starts pleading his case, again looking as innocent as can be.
I cut him off. “I know. I was kidding. As long as Amy is putting Ainsley’s needs first, I’m not upset that she’s seeing you.” I pause a heartbeat, and add, “But let me be clear, Aiden, you’re treading in dangerous water. I’m not kidding. You fuck her over and we will choose her over you. I don’t give a fuck that Ainsley is named after you or that you’re her godfather. Hell hath no fury like a pissed off Caroline Jane McKinney.”
Aiden nods and offers me his hand. I shake and give it one final, hard squeeze. “Let me be the one to break the news to Charlie.”
He looks very relieved.
****
Sunday, feels like a goddamn morgue in our house. All the family is gone but Aiden and Amy. I haven’t shared the news about their relationship with Charlie yet. Selfishly, I didn’t want to give us anything that might cause a fissure to form in our perfect week together.
When Ainsley began to babble in her bed this morning, I turned off the baby monitor and raced to my angel. She’s sitting up banging a soft toy that must have gotten left in her crib. Her gorgeous chubby cheeks light up when she sees me, and she reaches her arms out for me to pick her up.
Charlie keeps lecturing me. “Colin, she’s never going to learn to crawl if you carry her everywhere.” My reply, “Haven’t seen a kindergartener yet who couldn’t walk in to school on the first day.”
Ainsley babbles to me, and I swear that there might be a “da da” in the mix, but I refuse to count it until she looks at me and just says, “Da Da.” Then, my heart will overflow with joy.
“How’s Daddy’s baby princess this morning?” I ask her as I kiss both of her rosy cheeks. I carefully place her on the changing table and remove her night diaper. Then, I blow thousands of raspberries on her round tummy.
She kicks and wiggles with excitement, and it just eggs me on. I savor each Ainsley giggle, knowing that I won’t have them for another two weeks or even longer, and sadness grips my chest.
I remove her from her lavender PJs and replace them with an outfit that either Amy or Charlie left out for her to wear today. Her and I sit down in the middle of her room on the pink flower rug and choose toys that we want to play with. I find a set of stacking cups and show her how you can place them on top of one another, building a tower where I’m going to lock her up to keep nasty boys away. Once again, the thought of Aiden and me as teenagers flashes through my head and I shudder.
As if the kid understands me, she gives me a half smile and then uses her fat little hand to knock the tower down. The clanking sound must wake Pancho, because he quickly joins us for playtime.
I observe how gently she pets him. It’s really more like a very soft pat, but Pancho freaking eats it up. He begins to smother her face with licks, and she laughs harder, letting him bathe her with his tongue.
Noting the time, I know that these precious moments with my baby are coming to an end, so I pick her up and cradle her against me. “Daddy loves you with all of his heart, pumpkin. And you and I are going to be together every day very soon. I’m going to read you books every night, and sing you songs every morning. And I’m even thinking about teaching you how to two-step, but you’ve got to learn to walk first.”
She reaches up and grabs a bit of my hair that’s fallen on my forehead and gives it a tug. She laughs at how the curl springs back up. I hold her tightly to me, trying to memorize every inch of her. When I see her again, she’ll have grown. She’ll have learned a new skill and changed in appearance. I want to remember everything about how she feels in this second. I memorize her weight in my arms, and I inhale her fresh baby scent.
I begin to sing “Love Without End, Amen” by George Strait to my baby girl. It’s been our song since she came home from the hospital. I figured she should love George just as much as her mother and I do.
“I hate to break up the party, but we’ve got to hit the road,” Charlie says from behind me, sounding as sad as I feel.
Battery acid floods my stomach, and this all-consuming feeling of loneliness drowns me. I think about throwing something crazy out there, like, “Don’t leave. Let’s take Ainsley and disappear to another country.” Or, “Fuck football, I’ll go to Houston with you.”
I don’t do either. I get my breathing under control before Charlie notices. It’s not like she needs to add another stressor to her life. She’s already working herself to the point that I’m concerned about her. She’s so damn thin, and there are dark circles under her eyes. I’ll be glad when her dad’s practice is back on solid ground for more than just the obvious selfish reasons.