Infinity(57)
I called Clay and Janis. I think, for one of the first times since I met Clay South, he didn’t have a crass comment. They assured me that they’d be at the funeral.
The next time I check my watch, it’s after eight o’clock at night. Amy has already fed, bathed, and put Ainsley to bed. My breasts ache from not feeding her enough today. I plop down on my new couch, put my feet up on the coffee table, and grab my glass of red wine. I can’t wait for Wednesday to be over.
It’s not until I hear, “I Just Want to Dance With You” that I remember that I haven’t talked or texted with Colin at all today. I’m sure he’s unhappy with me.
“Hey, baby.” I sound as exhausted as I feel.
Colin and I spend the next thirty minutes on the phone getting caught up on each other’s days. He was only an hour late to practice—thank you, Southwest Airlines. He’ll be back late tomorrow night for the funeral on Wednesday. Aiden’s coming, which makes me smile. He’s a calming presence in our life. Also, Rachael will be in town. I’m still holding out hope that they’ll reconcile.
I reluctantly tell Colin goodbye when Brad saunters into the living room, and joins me on the couch with a flop.
The two of us polish off a bottle of wine, and we watch old reruns of Sex and the City, complaining about how terribly they’ve been edited for basic cable. Brad and I’ve watched them enough that we fill in the missing words, or quote the deleted scenes.
Apparently, my breastfeeding days are over. No pump, half a bottle of wine, yup… Breastfeeding is over. I made it almost nine months. I’d self-congratulate more if my heart weren’t so heavy.
Brad is staying in the guest room, or Colin’s former office/back to guest room. I hug him goodnight, and thank him for all of his help today. Literally, I couldn’t have survived without him. He’s amazing.
I walk upstairs to my daughter’s crib in the corner of my old bedroom where the red college chair used to reside. She’s sleeping so peacefully, on her back, head tilted to the side. Ainsley McKinney is a gorgeous child. I’m not just saying that because I’m her mother. She got the best of her daddy and me. I kiss two of my fingers, and touch them to her forehead. “Sleep tight, precious one.”
****
“Hello everyone.” I clear my throat and adjust the height of the microphone so I don’t have to stand on my tiptoes. “For those who don’t know me, I’m Doctor Caroline Collins-McKinney. I’m the second-oldest daughter, if you’re keeping score on the cards provided.” I attempt to make a joke. Fortunately, everyone is kind enough to at least chuckle.
Carmen asked me to speak at my father’s funeral. She wanted his eulogy to be meaningful, and reflect who he was. I reluctantly agreed. Wiping my sweaty palms on the black dress that Brad bought for me, I note how loose it’s fitting. I’ve got to start eating again, and scale back my runs before Colin notices. Push that thought aside and focus on your notecards.
Clearing my throat, I continue. “Looking out at your faces in this packed church just confirms what a full life my father led. Some of you he knew through his practice, and can thank him for his healing touch. Others met Jack through us six girls. I see our tennis coach that taught all of us how to swing a racket. Then there’s the golfing gang that he played with a couple of times a week.” The guys that he was playing with when he collapsed are sitting together, and wearing their golfing attire. Their eyes are bloodshot, and their faces are grey. I can’t imagine how hard this must be on them. “Hello to my father’s business associates and neighbors.
“My point is that Doctor Jack Collins was everywhere. He was passionate about medicine and sports. He loved his community, and was involved wherever he thought he could make a difference. But, above all else, Jack cherished his wife, Carmen, and his girls.”
It was really hard for me to write that part last night. Finally, Colin looked at me and said, “Jack loved you the best way he knew how.” After reflecting on Colin’s words, I know that he was right. Was it shitty for him to leave his wife and four little girls for his pregnant nurse? Yes. Did he love Carmen the rest of his life, and my two half-sisters? Absolutely. I let the anger go, and feel ten pounds lighter.
“I was fortunate enough to work with my father at his medical practice. In fact, I recognize a lot of you here today. It would mean so much to Jack that his former patients attended his memorial service. Thank you, on behalf of our family.” I scan the audience and see Clay wiping a tear from his eye. My heart swells for the gentle giant, whose retirement from football brought me back into the arms of my husband. My eyes lock with Rachael, who’s sitting next to my mom, and Chelsea, blending in with my family as if her last name were also Collins. Next to Chelsea is Amy, and Aiden has his arm draped around her shoulder, comforting her. Interesting. Last, but not least, my eyes lock with my husband. He looks so dignified in his Armani charcoal-grey suit. The green tie that he’s wearing making his eyes sparkle. Right now, the love and devotion for me written on his face almost brings me to my knees.