Infinity(38)

The most natural and overwhelming feeling baths me again. It’s the need to push.

I yell something that’s intended to be the word, “Push.” But Doctor Starr gets in my face, staring at me with stern eyes, and says, “Wait.”

Well, that’s like telling a drowning person to give up and start inhaling water. I can’t wait. Mother Nature is now running this show, and she’s using me as she sees fit.

Awareness that my body is moving grips me. I’ve gone from all fours to Colin behind me. I’m leaning against his bare chest while he’s gripping each one of my thighs in his large muscular hands. He brings my knees up so they’re almost to my ears.

I get a moment of clarity, and realize how absurd I must look. I’m naked. My big breasts are pushed up against my stomach, so they’re almost to my chin. My unpainted toes are dangling haphazardly, as if my legs belong to a puppet. Doctor Starr is waiting at the end of the bed, which seems to have been partially removed. Mary is next to her to assist. I’m on full display in the most immodest position possible.

I don’t give a damn.

A crazy laugh erupts from my chest. I have an out-of-body experience and see the ridiculousness. I’m a Harvard-trained physician. How did I get myself spread-eagled and naked on a table? Oh yeah! Colin Fucking McKinney.

Suddenly Mother Nature grabs my face and says, “Let’s get this baby out of you.”

They’re telling me something about push counts, but I’m not listening. I’m pushing just like Mother Nature is screaming at me to do. I figure she has more experience than anyone in this room. Colin’s mouth is pressed against my ear, whispering words of encouragement. “You’re doing so well. I love you. So brave. So strong.”

I push for God knows how long. My sense of time is completely shot. All I know is that Doctor Starr looks at Colin, and says something. Then Colin whispers to me, “The baby’s head is right there, Charlie. Give me three more strong pushes.”

Suddenly, I’m so tired that my muscles feel like Jell-O. Three more pushes? Hearing that I have to do this three more times is just too much. My head falls back against Colin’s chest, and I feel tears or sweat running down my cheeks. Surely Doctor Starr can do the rest.

When I’ve all but given up, and don’t think that I can push another time, another wave of nature’s drugs hit me, and I push with everything that I have.

Colin is in my ear, whispering his words of encouragement. “You’ve got this… Almost there, Charlie… Two more pushes… One more push, my brave, beautiful girl…”

I can hear the sounds of my grunts filling the room. Then, they’re replaced by the most incredible noise that has ever tickled my ears—the sound of our baby’s wail.

I collapse back on Colin’s chest, unable to support my weight any longer. My head flops to the side as Colin kisses my temple over and over again. He releases my legs, and they fall brokenly to the bed.

Doctor Starr places the squirming, pink, bloody angel on my naked chest and says, “Meet your baby girl.”

I open my mouth to speak, but all that comes out is, “Girl?”

I run my index finger over her soft skin. She begins to cry again, so I place my hand on her back and snuggle her against my racing heart. She’s so tiny. This was just inside of me. Once she’s pressed against my chest and in between my breasts, she calms down. No more screams, just sweet little content mewing noises.

Colin drops his head to my shoulder looking at our daughter. We’re both silent, feeling the love and peace soothe our baby. At some point his tears mix with mine as we stare at our greatest collaboration.

Mary has a twinkle in her eye. “Good job, Mom.” It’s the first time I’ve ever been called that. I look up at her and smile.

“I need to take your princess for just a few minutes. We need to give her a bath, weigh her, and some of that other good stuff. You just relax while Doctor Starr takes care of you.”

Colin takes this as his cue. He crawls out from behind me, and I flop back against the pillows, missing his warmth and comfort. I wonder briefly if I look as bad as he does. He walks over to the mustard-yellow vinyl couch and sinks into it as much as it will allow. He rests his elbows on his knees, and drops his head in between his legs.

“We have a daughter,” I whisper to him.

He doesn’t move, or look up to acknowledge me. I watch my tragic hero trying to process the last couple of days.

The room is quiet except for the sounds of our baby whimpering, and Doctor Starr and another nurse talking amongst themselves while they’re cleaning the room.