Infinity(18)

I repeat it. “I’m going to be a mom.” Saying it out loud seems to make it more real. I repeat it again, feeling a smile that meets my eyes. “I’m going to be a mom.”

As I make my way out of Dr. Starr’s office, still numb from all that has transpired in the past few minutes, I notice the children’s boutique on the first floor of her building, and make a split second decision to enter into the world of everything baby. It’s hard to believe that the little bean growing inside of me will one day be wearing one of these newborn, footed sleepers. I choose a neutral color just so I can show Colin how small our baby will be. When I place my purchase on the counter, I spy a pair of Nike newborn-sized tennis shoes displayed by the cash register. A stroke of genius hits me, and I know exactly how I’m going tell Colin that he’s going to be a daddy. I almost squeal I’m so excited.

The lady checking me out has a kind, grandmotherly face. She smiles knowingly at me as she hands me my purchases and says, “Congratulations.” I can feel my perma-grin cracking my cheeks. This is a new kind of happiness that I’ve never experienced before. I’ll be able to add “mommy” to my list of titles.

On my way home, I send this baby’s daddy a text.

Me: When will you be home?

Colin: Whenever you need me. Feeling okay?

Me: Okay. Are you working out after your meetings?

Colin: Not sure.

Me: Do you mind running with me this evening?

Colin: Sure. I can probably think of other ways to work you out.

Me: Mind out of the gutter.

Colin: Never! Be home in an hour.

When I arrive home, the first order of business is to let Pancho out of his kennel. He’s been such a Destructicon, as Colin calls him, lately, that he must be kenneled when no one can watch him. Just last week, he chewed the handle off of Chef’s Coach leather messenger bag. That cost us eight-hundred dollars.

Pancho howls when he sees me head toward his kennel that we keep in the laundry room. I open the door and kneel down, bracing myself for his greeting kisses. He wiggles so much that it’s surprising his front half doesn’t separate from his back. I scratch behind his ears, and kiss his head.

“Guess what, big boy? Mommy has a secret for you. You’re the first to know. You’re going to be a big brother.”

It feels so good to say those words out loud. Pancho says congratulations by bathing my face with licks. I open the back door, depositing Pancho outside so he can take care of his business.

Next, I walk into the kitchen. Thank goodness whatever Chef prepared for dinner doesn’t smell disgusting. There’s a pile of mail on the granite countertop, but I ignore it. I want to make sure that everything is perfect for telling Colin our great news before I start mundane chores.

Carrying my new purchases into the bathroom, I head straight for Colin’s closet. His running shoes are in their usual spot, neatly placed on the floor under his hanging workout shirts. I slip the tiny pair of Nikes out of the boutique shopping bag, and place them next to Colin’s custom-made Nike shoes. In some wonderful twist of fate, they actually match. Colin’s are only twenty times larger. I take out my phone and snap a picture, for posterity’s sake. Then, I clap like a fool so excited at how this turned out. It’s the perfect way to share our news.

Next, I remove the ultrasound pictures from my purse and instantly become transfixed. Sinking to the floor of my husband’s closet, I take a breath to absorb the enormity of the moment. The positive pregnancy test changes everything about my life. My body has been hijacked by Mother Nature. I can’t control my weight, or the size of my breasts. My abdomen will expand without anyone asking me if it has my permission.

I think back to my earlier nausea. What if I get sick in surgery? What does being pregnant mean to my career? What does a baby mean to my future? Did I go to Harvard to practice medicine for only four short years? Is Rachael right? Have I shoveled shit to get where I am just to give it up for mommy-hood?

I lie back on the soft carpet and close my eyes, blocking out the harsh florescent lighting. Colin’s body scent is strongest in his closet, and thankfully, it doesn’t make me feel bad, even though there’s a hint of his cologne. Smelling my husband tethers me back to reality, and away from the tornado of emotions whipping over me.

Being pregnant is my new normal. Worrying about our little bean thriving inside of me will become a part of my everyday routine, like brushing my teeth. One day, I’ll forget what it felt like to only be concerned about me. In that moment, I wish that I could rewind time one month, knowing that I was about to conceive a child. I would spend that last month being so much more carefree. Maybe Colin and I would do something risky, like travel the Amazon River, or go skydiving. I would definitely wear a bikini one more time in public. However, what I think that I would do the most with my borrowed time is just spend hours upon hours basking in Colin’s attention, enjoying being the center of his universe.