Infinite Us(64)

       
         
       
        

"This isn't in my head. I've … there have been so many dreams, and God, Nash, they're real. They're so real." She stepped close and I let her, too caught up in her words to move. "There are people in my head that seem like family. They seem, God I can't even explain it right, but there are people and they are you and me, Nash. They are us and they're not us and there are a lot of ignorant people trying to split us apart and there are promises, my God, the promises and they all feel so real. They feel like truth." She'd gone breathless and her eyes glistened the faster she spoke. She exhaled, shivering a little and started to cry. "Nash, they tell me that everything I feel for you isn't some random accident. With everything I am … I … God … "

"Willow … " her name came out of my mouth like something amazed, something broken in two, as though the disbelief I felt was a pathetic thread that loosened every second she spoke. I'd heard that phrase before, somewhere in a dream. It was tucked away with Sookie and Dempsey and the promises they wanted to keep. I could relate. Looking at Willow, seeing how glassy her eyes had become, right then I knew exactly how Sookie had felt when Dempsey kissed her. But how could Willow know? That phrase, those dreams, there was no way she'd heard that from the nights the dreams were too much. There was no way she had the same dreams.

"Will," I said again, stepping closer to her. She moved back and it felt like punch in my gut. "Please don't be upset."

"How can I not be upset you don't … wait." She moved her chin, tilting her face toward me as though something had just occurred to her. "You talked about genetics and DNA … Nash, what do you believe?"

She held her breath, like whatever my answer, she was prepared for it destroying her.

"Willow … "

"Please," she stepped back, breathing in through her nose. "Tell me what you believe."

I'd had the argument a half a dozen times with everyone, even Roan. He didn't believe in the supernatural or an afterlife, at least I was sure he didn't. Roan had always told me to make decisions on what I saw. The things I could prove.

"I believe in science, Will. I believe things that can be proven, things that are bolstered with evidence. I believe in the things I can see, the things that are right in front of my face, not in things that ride on feelings and hunches and wishful thinking."

For a long while she only watched me. I read her expressions and the thoughts that seemed to move around her face as she kept quiet, sorting through whatever it was that kept her attention inside her own head. Finally, tears began to collect in her lashes and I stood away from the window reaching for her. "Will … " 

"I can't … Nash, I believe in everything. I have to. This life, it can't be all there is. It's just not that cut and dry. I've seen things, felt things that you wouldn't believe. My belief, it's important and I can't just …  If life can only be narrowed down to facts and evidence and something you can point to and say, 'there it is', then what I feel in my bones is a lie. And it can't be a lie. It can't be."

Disappointment choked me as tears spilled down her cheeks, as she shook her head like she couldn't believe me, as if I had erased her.

"This doesn't have to be a deal breaker, Willow. It's just silly … "

"No," she said, voice high, shrill. "Whatever else it is, it's not silly. Not what I believe and I could never … " The room had gone still. Only the sound of our breathing and the rustle of the sheet sounded as she moved away from me, picking up her clothes that had been discarded around the room. "I can't be with someone that doesn't have any faith, Nash. I can't be with someone whose life is so damned narrow."

I wanted to stop her. Something old and angry inside me burned in my stomach, knotted hard as she dropped the sheet and tugged on her clothes. Even as she reached for me, kissed my cheek, I wanted to pull her close, do away with the work she'd made covering herself up again. But Willow was too determined, too sure, too angry, and I could only watch her as she walked away, wondering what faith had taught her to slam the door on something she wanted. Worse yet, I wondered what logic told me the same thing.





Nash



Everything felt old and empty. Stale, like a hangover.

It was nearly four a.m. and Willow was everywhere and nowhere at all. My bed still felt warm where she'd been. My body cooling, starting to go numb every spot where she'd kissed me.