Twice in two days I'd gotten the advice to pull my head out of my ass. Roan spoke it because he was old and thought he knew best. Nat did it because she thought I'd never realize what was in front of me without a little push. I didn't even want to stop to think if they were right or not.
It was both their voices I tried to block out as I got dressed that morning, as Nat went on and on about me coming to visit her out in Cali, though I knew she only asked because she wanted to "accidentally" run into our father while I was in town. I wasn't an idiot.
"Maybe next year, when things are a little more settled with my company," I'd told her, holding open the door for her as we left the lobby.
"You said that last year. And six months before that. It's been almost two years since you came to visit me. That's three times now I've flown out here to see you, little brother."
"You said you only came to town to check out a new designer. Don't play like you came here just to see me." But that frown was tight and the glare was lethal. Nat might have added me to her itinerary but I was not afterthought. "Sorry."
It really had been that long, though I would have sworn she was wrong. Stuff gets messed up in life, promises are made, then broken, intention paves every path you make, even the one that leads to hell. I'd spent so much time focusing on my own stuff that I forgot there were people who needed me. People like Nat who lived on her own in California. People like Roan who pretended he didn't need anything but a good book, his birds and a windless day. No matter what I'd tried to make of my life, no matter how many times I promised myself I didn't need anyone, I forgot that people still needed me.
"Hell, Nat, I'm sorry. Really." She lost the small wounded look on her face and her expression softened, head tilting as she watched me. "I honestly don't think … I mean, the business and investors, God I've been working so hard on getting ready for this meeting next week that I forget to eat or sleep or even check up on you." She smiled then, waving her hand to hail a cab as I shook my head. "I got to be the worst damn brother in the world."
"Nah," she said pulling her bag up on her shoulder. "Just sometimes remember the world doesn't need conquering. Plenty of fools have tried and failed at that." Nat's eyebrows went up and she looked over my shoulder, smile lethal now. "And try to remember that even if you manage to rule the world, the view from the top is a little boring when you're sitting up there all alone."
"Sis … "
"You think, maybe, when you're ready, when you come to see me that you'd be up for seeing … "
"No." I hated to have my sister leave with my frown and that sharp bite in my voice, but there are some things you can't squash so easy. Natalie shook her head, like she was amazed by me and how tight my grip was on the past, how close I kept my anger. But sometimes, hating my father was the only thing that kept me warm at night. "I'm sorry. You … you know I got you, no matter what. But this, Natalie? I just … I can't … "
"I know," she said, stopping me to pull me close and hug me. "I know. Just, instead of 'no', say 'not yet', okay? For me."
She held me a little, right there out on the sidewalk and for the first time in weeks, my entire body relaxed. I hadn't felt that since the night in my apartment when Willow worked her wild juju on me. My sister pulled away, touching my cheek and pushed the smile back on her face. "I'll see you, Nash." She kissed me then, pulling me into another hug that threatened to break my bones before I opened the cab door for her and she was off, back to her life away from me.
It was only when I turned around to head toward the station that I noticed Willow on her cell, glancing away from me, then back up again. I wanted to stop her before she walked off. I wanted to tell her I was sorry for being a punk, for trying to make her jealous. I thought about just grabbing her and kissing her and doing my best to forget all those walls I'd built to keep from failing myself or anyone else that came along.
Willow's face was drawn, her skin paler than it had been last night. She carried a white box under her arm, more magical cupcakes I guessed, and from the way her hair fell more tousled than normal, I guessed she'd spent the night in her kitchen baking, because it helped when she was restless, because it distracted her from the things she didn't want to face. Same as me, Willow deflected.
She still had no clue that Natalie was my sister, and now she had just seen me say goodbye the "morning after"...
I wondered just then if Willow would talk to me, or if I'd messed things up with my childish jealousy so bad that she wouldn't have anything to do with me again, and I would have messed up any chance I had with her, whether I wanted it or not.