Indiscretion(22)
Chapter 9
Princess Cecile
I have done it. I have put my fears aside and threw caution to the wind. My Julian will never know what it took. The agony, or the fear of rejection, but the whispers had seen me overcoming whatever fears held me bound and now I am glad of it.
I laid abed the next morn after that most glorious night, my body still suffering tingles and that place between my thighs sore and alive. For the first time I knew what it was to feel like a woman, whole complete. As was my right.
I had been wed four years and some to a man I once loved. A man so broken of spirit, that his flesh refused to perform the most basic of tasks when it came to the marriage bed.
Poor Frederick, what torments had driven him, I do not know. He had never shared with me what it was that had plagued him so. And though he had never said an unkind word to me, when he deigned spend time in my presence that is. Over time the warmth and admiration I’d held for him had dwindled and died.
It was not hate I felt for my now dead husband, but remorse I think. My youth had been wasted, my chance to bear children frittered away, or so I thought. Now at twenty, a bit long in the tooth to be sure, but not too late, I was finally going to fulfill my purpose.
The decision had not been an easy one, and not for the reasons one might imagine. It was guilt that had held me in its grip. Grip for the times while my husband had been alive that I had had the thought, why couldn’t I have been married to the king?
The stories of his prowess were legend even before I was betrothed to his dear brother. It was rumored that he had got an early start, seducing one of the ladies of the court when he was a mere lad of thirteen.
I had no interest in such scandalous mutterings back then, and until I first laid eyes on the king had only dreamt of Frederick. There had been such promise shown during our courtship.
It was no small fete to be betrothed to the son of a king. My sire and said king had been fast friends and of course I am of good breeding.
In those days though I had heard much of Prince Julian I had never laid eyes on him until the day of my nuptials. By then his father was long gone and he sat the throne.
I remember the feeling of disbelief when he’d smiled at me. The way my heart had hurt in my chest. I remember well the hours spent on my knees begging forgiveness for my thoughts.
Had Frederick known, had he suspected? No, I think not. Whatever ailed him had been there long before he and I ever crossed paths.
I had put my girlish feelings aside, it was natural after all for one to be drawn to beauty and Julian was that. It was nothing more than the silliness of a young girl’s heart. One who had been sheltered much in her life by a father who did not trust the court and so never allowed her there.
I was kept at home on our country estate learning the ways of a woman as was fitting. The only glimpse into the outside world the gossip of the servants and whatever news a guest might bring.
Frederick had been handsome, dashing; so soft of speech and all that was kind. It was easy to give my heart to him. I had woven such dreams around us, and what we would be. But alas none of it was meant to be.
I hated myself for comparing the two men when once I got to know the king. But it was hard not to. They were so different in every way. Where Frederick was pale and soft, Julian was dark and masculine it was hard not to notice whenever he was in the room.
Thankfully we had not spent much time at the king’s court, though Frederick spent much time with his brother, after the first few failed months of our marriage my presence was not necessarily required.
I had been spared the sin of lusting after my brother in law in body, if not in spirit. No one knew of my suffering. Frederick and I were very careful not to show that we had not yet consummated our union and whatever disappointment I bore was buried deep.
Of course there were questions about my inability to produce an heir. That hurt most of all. That I would never know the joy of bearing children of my own always destined to fawn over my nieces and nephews.
The loss had been like a dagger to the heart. But then Frederick had died. I had mourned him, as I should because except for the issue of the marital bed, I did like my husband.
But then I had another problem. Now that I was a widow without a child, I was once again at my father’s mercy. I despaired of going through the same farce of a fixed marriage again. It was that mixed with the whispers that the king may soon wed that had sent me to his bed in such an unladylike fashion.
If he did wed, I will mourn that loss as well, but at least I will have a part of him always. The thought will have to sustain me when that day came.
Chapter 10
Princess Cecile
The door to my chamber opened in the early dawn before the palace was quite awake, other than the scullery maids. I turned my head expecting maybe my sister in law who had grown rather close these last few days, but instead it was he.