Christ Almighty. Rob. Rob? How’s she not ready to dump him after his lies? Close to three years spent loving him and he repays her with deceit?
I want to scream, but I don’t. I don’t because I knew it already and it didn’t prevent me from exposing my desire too soon. I couldn’t stick to my plans, so now I’ll suffer this excruciating refusal, as I predicted, just as Pop warned.
I kiss her forehead and pull back. She looks worried, fearful almost. Jesus, what’s she think I’ll do?
“I’m sorry,” she says. “Are you annoyed?”
I know she’s affected by what’s happened—by me. I could push it and have her tonight, but it’ll only make things worse for both of us. With every ounce of control I possess, I pull away.
“Frustrated. Not annoyed.”
“I’m sorry.” She’s still clutching my forearms with her hands. “Obviously, I care for you. I’m attracted to you. But I’ve unfinished business with Rob. I don’t know how to handle my feelings.”
I lower myself back into a hug and stroke her hair.
“Hush. I know.” I stay locked in a sad embrace for a while. “It’s okay.”
She ran from Rob and almost immediately began taking care of me. She’s barely spent a single day alone. No wonder she’s mixed up.
“Lindsey, I’m leaving.” I start to sit up, but she keeps her arms around me.
“Will I see you tomorrow, or are you walking away?” She buries her face in my shoulder, anticipating my reply. I wrest her from my body and sit next to her, holding her hands in mine. I’m torn as hell but need to be strong for both our sakes.
“Our relationship’s been unnatural from the start. Spending so much time together too quickly has thrown us off balance. Until you came along, I’d never let anyone get so close. But I know what you expect from people and, truth is, I probably can’t deliver it. I should make myself scarce and give us each time to clear our heads.” I kiss her hand because, while what I said is true, I still don’t want to leave.
“Levi . . .” She drops my hands and folds her arms across herself in an act of self-comfort.
“What? What’d you want to say?”
She worries her lower lip and then lowers her head. “Nothing. There’s nothing else to say. Neither of us can make any promises, so it’s better to say nothing.”
I can’t argue, so I lean down and steal one final kiss. “I’ll miss you. If you need anything, you let me know.” I retrieve my jacket from her floor.
Her eyes spill over, but she doesn’t deter me, so I leave through the front door. My chest is on fire from the rage swarming like angry bees under my skin. I loathe Rob and Helene, hate my parents for handicapping me, and despise myself for breaking my rules and setting myself up for this misery.
I’ll be stuck living next door to Lindsey and watching her move ahead, maybe away and back to Rob. My gut had told me she’d be dangerous. I should’ve listened and stayed away instead of playing with fire.
When I get home, I check my PICC line and stretch out on my back. Hell, I probably couldn’t even have made love to her in my current condition. I sure as hell wanted to, though.
I pour myself several shots of tequila to numb the pain. Better to pass out rather than dwell on the few minutes of ecstasy I’ve just enjoyed and may never experience again.
Lindsey
The sunny day mocks my sorrow. My pillow’s damp from the tears I cried throughout the night. I’ve no desire to get out of bed, although it’s already nearly eleven o’clock. I can’t concentrate. My parents’ accusations overlay everything, causing me to doubt my motives.
Am I merely infatuated with Levi or, worse, using him to break away from the past? Is my interest in advocacy simply another fleeting whim that will fade once the real work begins and the bureaucracy bogs me down? Do I belong in California or New York? Am I really in love with Rob, or do I only miss the idea of us? Does being so drawn to Levi mean I don’t love Rob?
Each time I close my eyes, I feel Levi all over me. Memories of his mouth, his voice, and his touch wrack my body with erotic, desperate shivers. Granted, my sexual experience is limited, but even fully clothed, Levi teased out aching needs with intensity I’ve never before experienced. Could I even survive being skin to skin, having his mouth on my breasts, my stomach, or my thighs?
Heat and dampness pool between my legs at the mere thought of making love with him, but is it purely lust? I can’t play with Levi’s heart to test my own, especially not with his history with his mother’s rejection.