In the Cards(54)
Suddenly, my chest is crushed by doubt. Did I just adhere to a valid stop-loss policy, or did I fold while holding a royal flush?
Lindsey
The nurse informs me Levi’s surgery is scheduled very early tomorrow morning. He doesn’t want me there. He doesn’t want to be my friend. He doesn’t want anything from me at all.
If I recall, you have your own issues to sort out. Yes. Yes, I do. I’ve spent the past several weeks pretending I’m on some kind of vacation. But it’s not a vacation—it’s my frickin’ life. I’m no closer to making a decision about Rob, or anything else, than I was the day I left New York.
I arrive home flustered and antsy, but eager to take one step. Determined to do something, I call Rob at his office.
“Robert Whitmore.”
“Hi, Rob, it’s me.” I hear a whoosh of air.
“Lindsey, what’s wrong? What happened?”
“Nothing happened. Why?”
“I didn’t expect to hear from you, so I assumed something happened.”
I wince. Something did happen, just not the way he suspects. “I’ve been considering our last conversation. Part of me wants to pretend these past few weeks never happened, but every time I think I might be able to, I can’t. I’m afraid. And I really hate you working with Ava. I’m sure she’s told others in your office about her conquest. How can I face them? How can you?”
Ignoring my questions, he replies, “Come home. Come home and I’ll rebuild your trust.”
It’s so tempting. He still loves me, but is it enough? What does his love mean? What do I need for myself and from him? And what about these feelings for Levi I’m repressing?
“Rob, why do you love me?”
“What?”
“Why do you love me?”
“Because you’re you. You’re beautiful and warm, we’re compatible, you understand the demands of my career, and we want the same things.”
“Do we?”
“Do we what?”
“Want the same things? I don’t like how your job always comes first, for instance. I doubt I’d be happy living with your seventy-five-hour workweeks for the next thirty years.”
“Who says I’ll work here for thirty years? I’ll be able to retire by forty if I want to, Lindsey.”
“That’s still more than a decade away, and you’d never retire so young. It’s not in your nature.”
“So, now this isn’t only about my infidelity. Now my ambition’s a problem? What else suddenly doesn’t work for you?”
I can almost hear his jaw clench through the phone.
“I’m just reconsidering what being partners who can love and support each another for life really means. Trust is the cornerstone, but there are other things, too. Things I can’t quite articulate.”
I hear Rob’s exasperated exhale. “How can I say this politely? You’ve been in LA for a month and you’re already sounding very ‘granola.’ Have you been pretending to be happy with me all these years?”
“No, I was happy.” I frown. “I thought I was happy. You’re an amazing, talented, and persuasive man. But something’s changed. Instead of worrying about pleasing everyone else, I’m thinking of my own needs. Maybe I’m not good for you, or anyone, until I figure out who I am and what makes me tick.”
“I’m trying to be patient, but you’re making it difficult. Why do you have to be in California to find yourself?” Rob’s sarcasm bursts through his final words, which irritates me. “Can’t you do it here in New York?”
“In New York, you and my parents constantly tell me what to think. You shape my responses. The geography’s a buffer.”
“I’ve never tried to control you. Don’t lump me with Helene and Bill. That’s not fair.”
“Sorry, you’re right. But I anticipate your expectations and conform my behavior to meet them.”
“Then be honest with me, but don’t run away and break everything apart.”
“I need this time and distance.”
“So we’re back to square one. What else can I say that I haven’t already said?”
“Nothing. I only wanted to hear your voice and let you know what’s in my head.” I bite my lower lip. “That’s all.”
He huffs. “Do you feel better now, or worse?”
“Better.”
“Okay. Well, I don’t, but I’ll deal with it. I guess I don’t have a choice.”
His resignation is apparent.
“Thanks for trying to understand. It means a lot, Rob. Really.”
“What I understand is you’re pulling away from everything you are and unilaterally changing us. I don’t like it, but again, what can I do? I thought you left because of Ava, but obviously your doubts extend beyond her. Maybe it’s you who doesn’t love me.”