In This Moment(38)
Before I know what I’m doing, I’m on the floor of my closet looking for my running shoes and I’m lacing them up and stretching my legs out on the sidewalk.
Back when I did this kind of thing, I could go far. Maybe even nine or ten miles on a day that wasn’t too hot or humid. But that was when my body was strong, and when Jillian was next to me to push me for the last stretch.
Everything is different now. My muscles—the few that I have left—don’t do what I want them to do and I’m in pain before I judge that I’ve gone more than a mile. I try to kick it in—to get my legs to listen to my brain and forget about the way that my heart is bursting behind my ribs, but it’s no use. I crack and I’m off on the side of the road, hunched over with my hands bolstered on my knees. Air wheezes in and out of my lungs painfully, and beads of tangy sweat drip into my eyes and my mouth.
A car driving past honks its horn and some jerk leans out and shouts something at me but I’m too focused on not falling down to even care.
Cole
“So what do you want to do?”
Kate’s voice pulls me back to the truck. I shake my head and glance over at her. “What did you say?”
She turns to look at me. It’s dark in here but I can tell that her eyes are narrowed and her mouth is pursed. “Cole, you’ve been acting really weird all day. You barely paid attention to the game and you’ve been ignoring me. What’s with you?”
I push a hand into my hair and shake my head.
What’s with me?
“Nothing,” I say and I want to believe that it’s the truth, but it’s not and I know it. I’m annoyed that Kate’s in my truck in the first place, sitting in the exact spot where Aimee sat last night. And I want to gag because her perfume is so strong that it has me wondering if she’s trying to attract bears or some shit. “I’m just tired or whatever. I have a headache.”
“Well then…” Kate leans over the console so close that her moist breath pricks my skin. She lifts her hand to my chest and walks her fingers slowly downward until they brush the waistband of my boxers. “Maybe we should skip the party tonight and you know… get you in bed.”
I push my back against the seat and briefly squeeze my eyes shut. Despite the overpowering perfume and everything inside my head tonight, Kate’s touch on me doesn’t feel terrible. Her fingers coast lower and I almost don’t stop her. Almost.
“Kate,” I say her name slowly so that she knows that I’m being serious. “I’m going to take you home now.”
Her intake of air is audible and I can tell that she’s pissed by the way that she jerks her body away from mine. Not that I’m surprised. Girls generally don’t like to be rejected. It makes them irritable.
“You know what?” Kate spits out. Her voice sounds the way that Sour Patch Kids taste. “Take me to Brady’s place instead. Last week he mentioned that he was having people over after the game. I wasn’t going to go, but I think I’ve changed my mind.”
“Okay,” I say, glancing in the rearview mirror and switching lanes. I know that she’s trying to make me jealous and a part of me feels bad that she’s bothering to make the effort because it’s not working very well.
The rest of the ride is awkward. Kate’s unasked questions sit like a living, breathing thing lodged into the space between us. I think about explaining myself, but the truth is that I don’t even know how to begin. So, there’s this girl…
Later, I’m home and trying to get some work done for school, but my mind is still elsewhere—a few miles away with a girl that I know isn’t thinking of me.
I’m remembering how she looked last night while we were walking on the beach, and the way the moonlight shimmered like moving water in her hair. And her smile—that one is the killer.
I check the clock on my phone. It’s close to midnight but I’m not even thinking straight anymore. I’m grabbing my keys and looking for my shirt and the DVD case that I know I spotted last week.
Seven minutes later, I pull up to her place and find an empty street spot to parallel park in. The exterior lights are off and the front windows are dark. I hesitate before knocking, but I’ve come this far and I decide that I’m not going home without making this last move.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Breathe.
No worries.
No thoughts.
There’s a sound like footsteps and a light comes on and then the door is being unlocked. I take a deep breath and start talking before I can see who it is because, somehow, I know that it will be her and not her sister. “I know that it’s late but I couldn’t sleep knowing that you haven’t seen this.”